Separation

[Guest_96730108]

Hi all it’s been 2 weeks since it’s come to my attention I have self sabotaged my 14 year marriage. My husband is a great guy it’s not his fault I pushed him away unintentionally through no intimacy he says we are more like friends.

I don’t feel this way I am shattered it was my own doing in this marriage he says he’s numb and it’s like a stone wall.

How did I get here..

what do I do now?

We have a son together with special needs

My husband says he’s not going to kick me out and he is actually wanting to teach me to be independent

I know self care is important but I’m not eating or sleeping I’m throwing myself into work to distract me

I have Dr appointment next Wednesday for blood results, I love him so much but I don’t want him miserable

Don’t know what to do

Sorry and thank you for reading

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Such courage to post that, well done there.

The difficulty I face replying is that I'm not sure how far the marriage has collapsed... is it salvageable or never can be? Some times we think its terminated but I've seen in these pages and with friends that some of the worst acts by one partner can be overcome - depending on the individuals involved which is very unique to them like forgiveness levels and even nostalgic reasons with a long term marriage. In your case a boy with special needs can be the glue that keeps you united.

Some times its also acts towards the partner that makes them realise their love is still there. On one occasion in despair with a past partner I went for a walk, saw a rose, picked it and presented it to her upon my return- it was the tokenism that worked. In other couples a pledge of love and plans for the future, a declaration of "we'll work on this together".

Sadly but true some acts aren't forgivable for some. A famous footy player had an affair with his wife's best friend. They have two young kids. She returned home interstate on the other side of the country. His price to pay? heaps and the kids? So the onus is on the wife to process the hurt and make decisions, some will reunite and forgive others cannot for trust reasons or other. 

So with limited information I've brushed over and generalised to hopefully show you that we are supportive no matter the cause of this tragic situation you find yourself in.

THE SUN SHINES AGAIN

The rolling on of a stone 

be the marriage and a home

A husband and a loving son

No longer seems as one

The holding of a clenched hand 

The ability to understand

Is to give hope to the brand

And win back your best fan

Take a breath and you know what?

Give it your best shot

Because thats all we can do 

Is say "sorry... I still love you"

The cards will fall where he stands

That results in apart or wonderland

But your honour of being "you"

Is your best and thats all you can do

Your very best is good enough

And life isnt easy, its tough

We make our own rainbows from the rain

Until the sun shines again...

Reply anytime. I'm here daily. Take care

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life.

Sometimes it's not until both partners become fully conscious of what needs to change that things actually start to change. I believe there needs to be a healthy open minded sense of wonder involved in such change, otherwise the questions that need asking just don't get asked. Things like 'When did I become so shut down? Why/how did this start? Why hasn't it been entirely clear to me until now?' and the list goes on. I think if our partner can constructively help us wonder and question, we can reach the answers so much faster (compared to wondering and questioning on our own).

It's not enough for one in the relationship to say 'That's just the way I am' or 'That's just me and I'm not going to change'. It' not enough to say 'Look, I don't know why I do that and I don't want to talk about it'. From what you say, you're now taking the approach of wonder and questioning, as opposed to declaring you're not going to change while preferring to ignore things that need addressing. Maybe if you indicate to your husband your serious desire and intention to address what needs to change, then that's a start. If you indicate your interest in questioning yourself, your past ways of thinking and acting, then that's also a start. To begin your overall investigation with blood tests (which may provide a piece of the puzzle when it comes to where you now find yourself), that's not just a start, that is taking action.  

From my own experience, for my husband of 23 years to say 'That's just me' or 'I don't want to talk about it' (which happens often), it feels hopeless. If he was to turn around and begin making or searching for a difference, I would feel what 'hope' feels like. Sometimes hope is what's needed to help rekindle a relationship. A spark of hope, fueled by the actions that follow.