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girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

floydoss
Community Member

so i know it seems stupid but it really bothers me that my girlfriend is still friends with guys she used to sleep with one is an ex from high school (years ago) and the others are just friends she had casual sex with now and again before we met. i know it shouldnt bother me and it seems childish but i really hate that she hangs out with them and talks to them, i was brought up fairly conservative like ive had a few partners but after we break up we you know, break up and go our separate ways. ive never really had to deal with this situation before and i dont want to come off as controlling or crazy but every time i see her friend that she used to sleep with i just want to break his face to bits. btw i do trust her and im pretty sure she is not sleeping with anyone else at all but the fact that she hangs out with them bothers me on some instinctual level like i almost feel like im not a real man if she still feels the need to have them in her life like am i not enough for her? or sometimes i wonder if she thinks about the fact that she used to sleep with them when they hang out, does she get nostalgic sometimes? am i in the wrong here for being really annoyed about it? i convinced her to throw out all the clothes she had of theres from when she was with them because to me wearing another guys hoodies is pretty much him walking onto my lawn and slamming his flag on my property and i hated it. am i just being an asshole or do i have a right to be angry about it all? i need advice

11 Replies 11

HannaMelb
Community Member

In my opinion, yes, you are being controlling. If you think she's your property. SHE IS NOT.

If you can't trust her and let her be friends with whoever she wants and wear whatever she wants to wear then it may be better to end the relationship. 

so you would be completely ok with going to your partners place and seeing him in bed with another chick just hanging out not touching or undressed but hanging out watching a movie, can you honestly say that that situation would not bother you in the slightest

Paw Prints
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Floydoss,

To answer your question... no it would not bother me... relationships are about trust & allowing your partner to be how they wish to be.. with the friends they choose.

Back in my younger days I went on a week long trip around Tassie with a male friend... we shared the same room each night... his girlfriend was fine with it because she trusted him... even though he & I had gone out briefly before her time. Some 40 odd years later I'm still friends with both of them. It is possible to stay friends with an ex...

I'm sorry to say but if you can't/won't trust her then you need to work on overcoming these feelings... if however she is sleeping with others... well that is her choice... you have the choice to end your relationship.

Paws

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello floydoss...

I’m wondering if you have sat down and talked about how your feeling with your partner..Is this something that you would consider doing...maybe boundaries needs to be made...

If your partner still wants to be friends with their previous partner...I don’t think their is much that you say will stop the friendship... setting boundaries such as being together when your partner wants to visit them..

Its a very hard position that your in....I’m sorry your going through this...I think the question to ask yourself is..Do you 100% trust your partner?...

I am not very good with relationships..but I do know, complete honesty and trust is the best foundation to build on a relationship...

Sorry if i haven’t been much help..but wanted to try..

talk here anytime you feel up to it..hopefully more community members will call in with more insight then I have..,

Wishing you my kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

Guest909
Community Member

Hi floydoss

I can understand your frustration and your feelings. Many in your position would feel the same.

I think Ggrand has offered some good advise about making your feelings known and setting some boundaries. Definitely worth a try.

 

Good luck floydoss

Guest909
Community Member

Hi floydoss

I hope you are still with us; or a least monitoring your thread.

In an earlier post Paw Prints made a valid point when she said, "relationships are about trust". I think this is very relevant; no relationship will survive without trust.

The problem is, trust is a double edged sword. It is something that has to be earned through actions, not words. You have to earn your partner's trust and she has to earn your trust. Unfortunately, this is not happening.

I hope you guys can work it out together.

Cheers

Guest_3256
Community Member

ATTN - please do not make inappropriate comments on the forum and keep comments in-line with forum rules.

Hi floydoss.

You are not alone in how you feel and it's totally healthy and fine to feel concerned about your partner's friendship circles. It is only controlling when one partner is not letting them hang out with their friends or to be independent. However in saying this, it is not healthy if your partner doesn't invite, share or let you join in on or meet theses friends of hers.

There are plenty of relationship therapists and experts online and YouTube who identify that if a spouse prefers to keep their friends private, then there is suspicious grounds to be concerned about.

  1. Does a SO let you engage with their fiends?
  2. Does a SO share or talk about their friends with you - this shows openness and truthfulness.
  3. Or does a SO hide their friends from their partner.

If it is the answer is 1 & 2 - this is a very healthy and open relationship.

If the answer is 3 - it's time to talk about your concerns with them and set up boundaries.

If a SO refuses to comply by a boundary, you do have the right to terminate your relationship and move on.

Please know that you can chat with BB is need to speak to about your concerns.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Floydoss, I'm sorry but I appear to go against what's been said, whether it was the way I was brought up but yes doing this would certainly bother me.

You can't have a present and future with someone who's still stuck in the past and I'm sure if the reverse were to happen, she would not be entirely pleased, I wouldn't be.

If you were to have an argument and she contacts an ex, and it doesn't matter whether you trust her or not, private issues maybe talked about and then compared with the past, to me that's not healthy, but how to stop it, is believing in trust that she won't and by telling her that no past partners of yours will ever be contacted.

For me, this is part of the trust in your relationship, because once she contacts an ex it's broken.

Take care.

Geoff.

Guest909
Community Member

G'day Geoff

"I'm sorry but I appear to go against what's been said .."

I don't think you are going against what has been said.

"You can't have a present and future with someone who's still stuck in the past and I'm sure if the reverse were to happen, she would not be entirely pleased"

Well said!

Cheers

Paul