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girlfriend still friends with guys shes slept with in the past

Community Member

so i know it seems stupid but it really bothers me that my girlfriend is still friends with guys she used to sleep with one is an ex from high school (years ago) and the others are just friends she had casual sex with now and again before we met. i know it shouldnt bother me and it seems childish but i really hate that she hangs out with them and talks to them, i was brought up fairly conservative like ive had a few partners but after we break up we you know, break up and go our separate ways. ive never really had to deal with this situation before and i dont want to come off as controlling or crazy but every time i see her friend that she used to sleep with i just want to break his face to bits. btw i do trust her and im pretty sure she is not sleeping with anyone else at all but the fact that she hangs out with them bothers me on some instinctual level like i almost feel like im not a real man if she still feels the need to have them in her life like am i not enough for her? or sometimes i wonder if she thinks about the fact that she used to sleep with them when they hang out, does she get nostalgic sometimes? am i in the wrong here for being really annoyed about it? i convinced her to throw out all the clothes she had of theres from when she was with them because to me wearing another guys hoodies is pretty much him walking onto my lawn and slamming his flag on my property and i hated it. am i just being an asshole or do i have a right to be angry about it all? i need advice

11 Replies 11

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi floydoss

I can't say I blame you for finding this situation incredibly challenging. In my opinion, it makes sense that you would be asking a lot of questions about the situation you find yourself in.

I can't help but wonder why these guys are still in her life. If it's not obvious, maybe that's a question worth asking of her. While I've been with the same guy for more than 20 years, when I think back to my younger years, typically I would go out with a guy and when the relationship ended I would evolve beyond seeing them unless there was a good reason to continue seeing them just as a friend. There was only ever one guy who I retained as a friend because we were really good friends to begin with, for many years. There was a bit of intimate experimentation on a couple of occasions within the friendship (well before I met my husband) but nothing too intense.

Another reason for maintaining contact with them might involve them still being a part of her overall social group. If she wants to remain seeing the group, they come with the deal.

At the end of the day, I really can't help but wonder why she's still in contact with them. For me personally, life really is (to some degree) about letting go and moving on in order to gain new experiences so we can evolve beyond who we used to be. As long as we're holding on to a lot of stuff and sometimes people, we can't move on in a variety of ways that really do turn out to serve us well.

Again, I'd be asking out of sheer curiosity as to why she still has a fair bit to do with these guys. Another possibility involves perhaps each holding a trait that reflects a trait she likes within herself, such as elements of the philosopher or elements of the adventurer and so on. If she hangs out with them solely based on her loving attention and a sense of feeling attractive, then I believe this is unfair on you and perhaps something she needs to work on within herself.

If she's obviously 100% detached from these guys in the way of anything more than friendship, they don't sound like much of a threat to the relationship but if instinct tells you she's not (detached in this way), this is definitely an issue that needs to be raised, so you can move forward within the relationship. Doubt and fear are horrible things to live with.

All the best with the way forward 🙂

Community Member

Hey mate my me and my girl freind work at the same place and shes had sex with two people from work one being a supervisor that she's super close with laughing all the time very close in each other's face and going out clubbing after work and I 100% agree with you it's bugs me alot i trust that she has not done anything when we where together but she once said if we ever did break up she would just go a bang another dude to get over me and i can put one and two together to who she would do it with and the people that say "iF YoU CaNt TrUsT HeR.." are being arrogant to the fact that they literally had sex and would probably do it again if I wasn't in the picture. I don't want to change her in anyway and for that I'm thinking about ending the relationship but idk if it's stupid to throw it all away because of this guy but I can't control my thoughts and how I feel no matter how much I try to ignore them