Fortress of survival
Xmas tests us folk. Its a time every year that has the most stress, sadness due to family divide and the close of the year has us reviewing our relationships. Fear not for its actually a great opportunity.
Only you can take control in the new year to ensure that Xmas next year will be a better one as will 2017 overall.
We need to take control by making hard decisions. We are soft people that don't have the hardened mentality of others. We need to draw a line in the sand and build a wall to self preserve.
Im into my 7th year of doing thus. Each year I fine tune my relationships. People know now that my dealings with them are conditional. They know if they are disloyal, manipulative, uncaring, demanding or inconsiderate...their time with me is limited or even terminal. The way they've seen how I've removed some from my life...even my mother.
In fact my now 85yo mother is the best example. Likely with chronic BPD with heavy narcissistic and manipulative tendencies she ruined my first wedding, lied about her health and would not assist me with my mental health struggles as her issues were always more important and severe.
The line was drawn. The wall was erected. The cost has been loss of relatives that she was able to convince of my wickedness. So be it. As I say to some "my mother has some good points...its the bad points I cannot live with" and "only a child of my mother knows what that is like".
But most importantly, those that you keep around you also need care. Having a mental illness isn't a one way street, we need to, when able, reach out and show appreciation.
I have a dear friend a single grandmother. She told me quietly she was depressed a few weeks ago. Since then I subtlety sent her a beyondblue link about depression and asked how she has been. Last night she had recovered and thanked me for my input. She knows of my struggles. It was a good feeling helping someone that has been there for me.
Reach out to the right people but save up your bricks for that wall to hold back the intruders.
Forgive them for they not know what they do. But don't feel guilty when you mortar in that last brick.
Those types don't know how to treat you or help you. Let those birds of a feather flock together.
Then next year you can learn to fly around with your own, because you've created a "safe mode" of your own life. You would have in effect taken action as important as some medical treatments
You were decisive to ensure a happier survival...
Hello Tony & Ggrand
I hope you can forgive me for the very late response to your thread. There is great value here so I can learn to better my mental health which has been hasnt been too flash in the last 3 months or so
I love what you wrote "most importantly, those that you keep around you also need care. Having a mental illness isn't a one way street, we need to, when able, reach out and show appreciation" This has helped me a lot Tony and thankyou so much (I hope you dont mind me quoting what you have said)
Not at all Paul.
People without a mental illness still need to balance their chatter about lifes priblems with care for others. However we with emotional baggage, baggage that people cant treat, nor help much with, often think our issues are so severe we have a right to their attention, sympathies, suggestions and advice but some of us dont see that the problems the friend has, although not mental illness, is as huge for them as ours is to us.
If we fail to nurture their issues, even in tokenism, we fail the friendship. It is terminal.
Reading what you and Paul are talking about brought home to me that in some sense it does not matter if the hard things in life have been mental illness or other misfortune, it is the fact that there have been hard things which alow us to see more clearly the problems of others.
I've known a few who have seemed to lead a charmed life, getting all one would wish for anyone, and not having major hiccups along the way. I don't mean they might not have worked hard, or not made the right decisions, it's just that unfair disaster has never struck.
While they've paid lip-service sympathy to the catastrophes others including myself have had to bear they do seem to me to shallow or unfinished.
Yes, those "lucky" individuals seem to lack lifes experiences.
My close mate I went to school with 4 decades ago never cried. His emotional level was on the opposite end of the scale compared to me. Also no close family deaths.
One sad day his father passed away. At the cemetery he, understandably, broke down. A few days later I asked him how he felt when he broke down "terrible, Ive never felt like that before".
I tactfully told him that his highly emotional friend, me, felt similar twice a week. Not the grief but the emotion. He really understood then. It was quite a moment.
My wife and I often talk about how lucky we are. Country haven here, animals, birds, nice newish cottage with attic windows on one acre, dam, wild ducks. Paradise. Yet we havent and will not get inheritance. .
Long story. And our super very limited. Weve survived on DSP so we've learned how to budget. Our neighbours just inherited a huge sum. We arent jealous. Yes it would be great but that's how it goes.
Does having money, flushed with it change us? Only a little what do you think?
I guess I've had three sets of conditions and will draw a conclusion from my behavior in them.
I grew up in quite a wealthy environment, if I wanted something from a suit to a car it was not a problem. I was thoughtless and arrogant as a result.
When I separated from my parents I was broke, and this made for a radical change in outlook and behavior. Life became earnest and employment very necessary and to be prized. Commitments had to wait. money could never be wasted and prioritizing had to be rigorous. I can't say I was unhappy as at the time I was in love.
As time went on I reached hte stage I've been at most of my life, with enough to pay foreseeable bills and a bit to save too. I see this as being a pretty ideal state.
When my fist wife passed away medical expenses ate up everything except the house. Again in time I returned to the ideal state, though the impetus to save was greater as a result.
If now I was to receive a large sum I'm not sure it would make that much difference. If my partner set her heart on something I guess we would accommodate it, however I'm sure I'd not return to that initial arrogant youthful state and the habit of thrift would not leave.
I guess by my stage in life (born late 40's) the things I value don't realy depend too much on money - once a base-line of security has been reached.
I havent been on your thread for a while....I have just re read your opening post what you mentioned is so true..
"most importantly, those that you keep around you also need care. Having a mental illness isn't a one way street, we need to, when able, reach out and show appreciation"
This is more than noteworthy....its spoken from the heart and very helpful for me and my set of symptoms