Hopefully I have made the right decision...

[TheMich]

About 18 months ago I discovered my male partner of 21 years was heavily infatuated with a mutual female friend of ours. This started on Snapchat and also because they work at the same employer. He has since admitted that he is infatuated perhaps obsessed with her but denies that he is in love with her. I beg to differ as on his phone are several 'quotes' he has saved and sent to her. For example, being in love with my best friend but having to keep the feelings hidden, marrying late is better than marrying the wrong person, one day we will be together, soulmates, best friends, beautiful person, etc etc. Likes every post of hers on Facebook. Sends her messages about what to cook, how to design her house etc etc. He has also purchased things for her online. I confronted her and was told she is not interested in him but they are great friends.

So I believe he has been going through some midlife crisis, as I get told he doesnt love me and doesnt want me in his life, and then it all changes around around and he does. He also taunts me by saying they will get together after I leave or he is waiting for her husband to die (he isnt sick). We have also been away together a few times. My gut feeling has always said something is wrong.

I have 2 adult children from a previous relationship and he doesnt have any. Eventhough it was never discussed about us having a child together. He now has lots of regrets as he hasnt had enough girlfriends, hasnt got kids, wants to marry and reckons he only has 20 years of life left. He is 48. He has anger issues and seems depressed. He says he just wants to be alone.

After all this time, I cannot stand it anymore. I have got to the point that I just dont care anymore. I have purchased a unit about an hour away in the town where I work. I intend of staying there during the week, or all the time. I have told him this. There is only so many times I can hear I want you out of my life, so I needed to act on it.

He claims he doesnt send her stuff anymore or hardly speaks to her. But i cant believe anything he says or does. He has hurt me so much, but he cant see understand why. I think he is a delusional creepy stalker and cant see that she doesnt want him. She does not reply to his messages.

So I hope I have made the right decision... but I believe I deserve better. I have been loyal and never done anything wrong to him, and I have never lied.

[Guest_3256]

Hello and welcome here.

I love to read up and help where I can. You must feel very emotional and physically exhausted from his inappropriate behavior. I am just wondering who he thinks he's in a relationship with because from what you said, not even you mutual friend is interested in him. He may benefit from a health check up with a GP.

Please continue to be strong, you are a good person, I will however, say that no one is better or deserves better, that's not a healthy way to see things. 

Love yourself and good luck. 

[Imogen2]

Hi Jsua while reading your story it really jumped out to me as very similar. My relationship lasted 12 months but we had so many breakups lasting 2 weeks then we’d get back together as he always wanted “space”, ours was a long distance relationship and covid occurred right at our last breakup in March. Many phone calls and texts later, he realised it wasn’t working and shut me right out. I wasn’t happy, tired of his egotistical comments about women he had dated prior to me. It was terribly heartbreaking as I still loved him but it was obviously one sided and we didn’t text or talk for 2 months June-Aug but it was I that called him and it got difficult again. It’s over finally have not seen him since March. I lost trust in him. I believe it was just ego as I made him feel attractive again. I would advise you to not contact him at all and see if he chases you if he doesn’t as my ex didn’t, he really doesn’t have your back. Ask yourself, if you were stranded, sick or in trouble, would he be empathetic towards you? If not definetly forget him. I see a lot of red flags in your story. I hope this encourages you. Hey psychologist GUY WRENCH on TED and YouTube is great at explaining heartbreak and Emotional First Aid. Best of luck.