First time poster. Marriage is falling apart

[Delilahblue22]

I’m in love with my husband. And he says he loves me. But the issue is he wants and an open relationship and I can’t handle this. What else can I suggest. His libido is far higher then mine, and our sex life has always been effected. After weight loss surgery he said he needed to feel lusted needed and wanted. And wanted to get Into bdsm. But told me I couldn’t fulfill this. I need help.

[geoff]

Hello Delilahblue22, can I welcome you to the forum and for posting your comment.
I have to be careful here in what I say.

Marriage is meant to be a monogamous partnership, someone you have fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with, together, and to produce a family and help them though under the right circumstances.

An open r/ship is what your husband wants and if you say no then what's to stop him from doing it behind your back, but there are many problems that could arise from this, many you will know about, but what happens if a baby is produced or an illness develops, this will complicate the situation.

Another problem is what happens if he falls in life with another lady, this may then destroy two marriages.

After having weight loss surgery this should have been discussed.

To me, this is a no-no and the consequences would be too risky.

His doctor can help reduce his sex drive!!!

Geoff.

[Delilahblue22]

Thank you for your reply Geoff.

We can’t have any more children, he had a vasectomy. We seem to go back and forth with this conversation him and I. For him it’s not about love. He just wants lust and needs and desires met. He says that if feelings develop then the relationship ends and he moves on. He can be very cold and calculated like that. He says he finds from sex a power rush from strangers and can disconnect from reality.

[quirkywords]

Delilah

I too welcome you to the four.

Geoff has written a helpful comment so I will not repeat what he said.

In your last post I read that he wants, he needs, he says, he wants lusts, etc but there is nothing about what your needs are and what you want.

Does he know how you feel?

I can understand after weight loss surgery and maybe feeling before he was not as desirable that now he feels different.

The trouble is is his needs are not compatible with our scoiety's idea of what marriage is.

Have you been to a counsellor together and spoken through your thoughts together? Would that be possible?

Thanks for being honest.This must be very difficult for you.

Quirky

[geoff]

Hi Delilahblue22, thanks for getting back to me.

Lust and needs certainly isn't love as you say, and for him to say that if a relationship develops he will move on, but it's not as easy as that, because he hasn't taken into account about how the other person feels.

Nothing in life works one way, it does if the rest accept it, but when love and sex evolve in a relationship, you just can't break it off straight away, one person will be hurt and will be trying to stay in contact with him.

This has a chance to create anxiety and depression and that's what we are trying to avoid, however that's what I worry about now.

Geoff.

[Delilahblue22]

Hello quirky,

We tried counciling. Individually and together. Went a Couple of times claimed it wasn’t for him. Tried medication. Said it made him feel like a zombie. Refused to have his testosterone hormones and moods tested.

this morning he officially ended it. Saying he refuses to feel suppressed any longer.

[Juliet_84]

Delilahblue,

I’m so sorry that you are going through this, it must be devastating to have the man you love and agreed to share the rest of your life with act this way. This situation almost seems untenable, you would have to absolutely run yourself ragged trying to keep up with the needs of a man who, quite frankly, doesn’t seem to give a stuff about yours and how you are feeling. You are entitled to want a monogamous, loving relationship with someone who respects your boundaries. I also don’t understand why he is making this out to be your doing and that you are “suppressing” him, this isn’t exactly a reasonable request to spring on someone. Had he raised that he wanted this before you were married? If not, I find that a bit deceptive.

[quirkywords]

Delilah

I am so sorry that he officially ended it. I am not sure what that means.

Has he moved out?

Do you have any family support for you and your children?

I worry that you need support now. I am sad that he has not thought of your needs. Would you consider seeing a counsellor by yourself to focus on your needs?

Quirky