Feeling like I have lost everything...
I've just had a breakup with my partner of 11 years. Happened a few days after my 50th birthday, so on top of feeling old this came as a complete shock (there was no warning) Although we weren't living together, we spent every moment we could together when he wasn't working (he works away), and I often flew up to be with him inbetween. Plus all we had together, paperwork and such. The past few years have been difficult. I was diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis after years battling fatigue and joint pain, and this year I finally felt like I was getting on top of it all. Learning my limitations and dealing with medications.
Anyway.... losing my relationship has been a really big kick in the guts. I feel completely deflated these days, no motivation to do anything, no desire for food (have lost almost 9kg in 3 weeks), no eagerness to be around any people. I sit and write endless letters that never get sent. I wait for calls that never come. I feel the loss of him so deeply that I actually ache, somewhere, everywhere. We used to talk every single day. For 11 years, he has been my best, and really my only, friend. So I have lost my best friend and my lover, all in one gigantic hit.
I don't want to go speak to my gp about this because he will tell me I need medication to help get me through - and I already take so many other drugs for various conditions that I really don't want more.
I know that eventually there is an 'other side' to all this pain; it's just that right now I am struggling to see it ending. After 3 failed relationships in my life - first one cheated, 2nd father of my children cheated also, and now this - I am almost convinced that there is never going to be a special someone who loves me for me. I see people all around me in loving relationships and I have to wonder what is so wrong with me that I can't seem to keep that for myself?
Add to this the fact that I have always been a bit of a hermit, plus that I live in a place with very limited scope for socialising anyway, and I see nothing ahead except loneliness. Limited earning capacity so it looks like I am going to stay poor, limited social life so I will be alone and poor, limited ability to deal with my emotions -so depressed, alone and poor.
I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by posting this here. In a way, I guess it might help just to get it all out instead of holding it inside. And nobody here knows me, so in another way it feels safe to vent here.
Thanks for reading my ramble.
You sound a very sensible and aware person, and have said yourself there is another side to get to, after the pain. You are quite right of course, however that's not much help at the moment. It is all realy awful for now. You are also right it is a safe anonymous place - and you are welcome to vent!
I can't exactly understand how you feel, at roughly your age my partner of 25 years passed away and life sort of came to an end. True I did not have the same feelings of wondering if it was me, but the loss was similar, just as much hurt. Life emptied out.
I never found an effective way to feel better, I did find things that did help. I worked, and did more, made it a source of distraction to fill in the hours. It made a big difference. I tried to keep occupied. I did not have your physical problems and was able to get out. I volunteered my services and trained people. This was as well as work. This got me in contact with others and also helped fill up all the lonely times.
My 2 dogs helped too, they demanded attention and routine.
I'd imagine with only 3 relationships, and the last one 11 years that you are not a hard person to be with, in fact frankly I'd look at your partners' failings first. Nobody is perfect of course so I guess you can point to things in yourself you might like to improve, however any sensible and caring person realizes a relationship will always have good and bad times, and you don't cheat or walk away, you get and give help and get thought it to better times together. Your partners did not do that.
There are good and faithful people out there, I've been blessed with two. Admittedly I hurried the process along finding the second one, I actually advertised. I found another who's partner had passed away so we understood a lot to start with. I'm not suggesting anything, I think you are quite capable of maximizing your chances of meeting someone if you want another partner.
You are not alone, you are welcome here anytime you wish
I am a great believer in the healing ualities of crying- yes I kno it feels very painful now but by acknowledging your grief it will help you work through your pain.
50 is not old, I just turned 60. My second relationship ended when I was 53 . I thought that is it so I will become a nun but I was the wrong religion.! At 55 I met my present partner. I had almost given up on men and felt I would be alone for the rest of my life.
I am not saying you will find someone but life is not over at 50. You are in shock as you were not expecting the relationship finish.
You are a strong woman who has been through a lot.You were together for 11 years so you need to grieve and it will take you a while to take in what has happened.
Go with the tears, I am here giving you more tissues. Have a bath, do something that you like, spoil yourself.
let us know how you are going?
Your story felt so similar to my own that I felt as if it was me writing it. I too have a medical condition, and like you I had to face the end of my relationship to my best friend two years ago. He was the first (and only) person that I ever felt truly “saw” me, he was my support, my friend, my whole world. But he had an abusive side to him. I tried to put that out of my mind, that my best friend could be this other person, because I was desperately clinging to the hope that it couldn’t be. I am a loner by nature, although I also bond deeply with a select few and have always joked that I want to find someone that I can be a hermit with.
But I have made the conscious decision that, whatever happens I will be ok. I get one life and it’s not very long in the scheme of things, I’m not going to hand over my happiness for someone else to decide. So I do little things that make me happy, I go to breakfast and read the newspaper in the sun, watch movies I like, and I’m about to join a netball team. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a start. But it’s taken me a long time to even get to this point. My point is, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes you need a big cry 🙂 but then I want you to pick yourself up and keep going. You are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Do you have any family that you get on with?