Financially dependent on narcissistic mother

[sadsally]

I’m 28, I’ve been working on and off for my mother my whole life, i have various physical (POTS, chronic fatigue syndrome, ITP, endometriosis and idiopathic narcolepsy) and mental health issues (anxiety, PTSD, ADHD and depression) that kinda prevent me working full time and my dr has told me he would fully support me going on the DSP but my mum has been paying me this whole time so on paper I look like I have been working full time so my application was rejected. She will not let me try having another job without cutting me off completely and I honestly don’t think I am capable of holding down a job so I’m to scared to try. I do appreciate what she does for me but it comes with a cost, I am like her verbal punching bag, especially if she is stressed, she will scream at me infront of other staff, tells me I’m lazy, incompetent, stupid and has me in tears most days even when I’m not working, she sets impossible tasks for me like putting me in charge of website design and management while having no training in coding or web design then gets angry and berates me in-front of everyone when I inevitably fail. She has had multiple workers take her to fair work and lawsuits for bullying and I cop it a hundred times worse than they did. I have incredibly low self esteem and I feel like a shell of who I’m meant to be, I have to watch every word I say and have to take note off all her facial expressions so I can predict and de-escalate, it causes mass anxiety for me and I shake and stutter in her presence. She threatens to cut me off if I try to say anything back to her. I fear I will never be financially independent and I’m beginning to think that’s exactly what she wants. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear about the challenging situation you're in. It's clear that you've been dealing with a lot, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed. It takes tremendous strength to share your feelings, and I want you to know that your experiences and emotions are valid.

On one hand it sounds like you are financially ok (?) with your mother as employer, and at the same time, you are a verbal punching bag, which is not cool. And then there is this fear about what would happen if you did leave her to own devices. 

One thing that comes to mind is to write down the positives and negatives of staying vs going?

(Though I suspect you might have done something like this already if not written down. And I suspect that your Dr  has own thoughts on this situation as well.) And that staying vs going is difficult ... there was a time when I starting getting help that it was suggested I stop the job I was doing. It took about 3 years before I could or did. I had the same financial concerns. (I have wife and kids and ...) It was not bullying per se, but I was also the one to cop the angry customers, or frustrated staff when things did not work as they expected.

So I don't really have an answer without being hypocritical.  But i am listening ... if that helps.