My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything

[Loveanimals]

I recently posted about my son's issues with drugs.  Yesterday I took him to our Doctor.  The Doctor was very kind and helpful.  He told my son that every single person he has treated for Schizophrenia in his 50 year career, had been drugs users.  He told my son to stay away from it and he prescribed a very low dose anti-anxiety medication to get him over the week (withdrawals).

Today I picked my son up from work and he immediately attacked me.  He has googled and claims he has schizophrenia? He said it is my fault because I am an 'alcoholic c..t".  I am so done with him.  Yes I do have a love for alcohol but I am not an alcoholic and he knows that.  Anyway....how dare he call me that word!!!  Besides the fact that the Dr never once thought he was schizophrenic?  He is a total drama queen and his actions are destroying me.  He has also said he 'doesn't believe the Dr' about the drugs.....????

The night before his Dr appointment he drank a 2 litre cask of wine and half a bottle of Baileys.  This was all whilst I was asleep.  This alcohol was hidden and he knows he is not permitted to drink it.  But he did anyway and needless to say the next morning he vomited all over the toilet floor... ?  Of course I had to clean it up?  

I do not know what to do with him anymore.  I am starting  to hate him.  He is an emotional blackmailer and is never grateful for all of the money/sacrifices/things I do for him. 

Please help. 

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

You recently wrote about feeling empty and hollow and was given some good advice as to what you might do to feel better. Even so I'd suspect at least part of that feeling comes frm unsuccessfully trying to cope with your son where even hte greatest and most understanding efforts on your part simply do not succeed.

You have tried everything a loving parent can do, from driving hm to work to taking him to seek medical assistance, and it simply has not worked. If anything he feels more entitled and in charge and shows no love or consideration for you - quite the reverse.

If you step back for a moment you may get a new perspective, one in which you always try, he takes, does not believe he is ever in the wrong or needs assistance,  and then blames and abuses you anyway.

In that sort of situation I'm not sure you can do anything about your son to improve the situation. Maybe what is in your power is to try to look after yourself.

Obviously that is good for its own sake, but may well have the extra effect of making you more able to cope with the very unpleasant part of your life. It also sets an example.

TonyW/K did mention some sensible things you can do, I've no idea from your circumstances how many are practical.  I would suggest too (if you are not already) you seek counceling or medical assistance for yourself. This amout of stress, frustration, anger and receiving toxic abuse is terribly bad for you and trying to face it on your own makes it extra hard.

If you would like to come back to this particular thread here and talk some more I'd like it as I have the greatest sympathy for your position.

Croix.

[CheaB]

Hi Loveanimals,

I am really sorry about everything that has happened. At the same time, I am glad that you took your son to the Doctor because medical advice is key in this situation. 

It is evident that your mental wellbeing has been adversely affected by your personal situation and I would definitely recommend seeing a mental health professional to take care of your state of mind. Seeking support for your mental health will allow you to unpack your emotions and feelings regarding your relationship with your son. Furthermore, you will be provided with a third-person perspective which may allow you to navigate through this situation with a lot more ease. Receiving professional medical advice on how to cope with these circumstances will allow you to contribute positively to your mental health.

As your son battles with his mental health issues, it is crucial to remember that he has access to professional support and medication because you are concerned for his wellbeing. Now it is up to him now to navigate through his emotions, as per the feedback that he receives. You have been very selfless, generous and loving, which is why it is important for you to draw boundaries for your peace of mind. 

If it is becoming too overwhelming for you, I would consider communicating about a separate living arrangement, especially since your son is working. As per everything that you have shared, I can see the amount of effort, dedication and forgiveness you have shown towards your son. I understand that you are a mother, but the role of a parent does not mean overlooking how your child's behaviour is consistently exhausting you. 

I hope this helps!

Take care,

Sarea.

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou for your response.  I of course don't hate my son.  I hate the situation.  He is I believe playing up more due to withdrawal from the drugs.  It is 3 days now that he last had any and I am telling him to remain strong as he will start to feel better soon.  He was up until 2am due to insomnia.....I suggested he take a warm shower and try to sleep again.  It is now 8 am and he is asleep so I hope he feels better later when he does get up.

I don't have any options other than to keep living here with him and truthfully I don't have the strength anyway to move or sell up.  I still believe we can work through this.  

I am seeing my Dr next week for help with this situation as it is no way to live; having no support from anyone (least of all his father).  

Thanks again.  

[quirkywords]

I am very moved by your situation.

it must be so hard when you love your son so much and see the way he is behaving, 

Have you thought of getting some support from Alanon which provides support to people who have family members who have drinking problems. 
I know this does not suit everyone. 
I admire your strength  and determination. 

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

I really admired you in this last post, you are showing all the love, determination and understanding anyone could ask for.

Sometimes one does not realise how much good one is doing, at the back of your son's mind  and as an example to all.

Please see yourself as needing support in order to endure this horrible situation, nobody has unlimited capacity to deal with these circumstances wihtout help.

Croix

[Loveanimals]

Thanks for your lovely words.  

He is absolutely doing my head in.  He was up all night; came in to my room at 2 am to say he couldn't sleep and was going for a walk.  I couldn't sleep until he got home at 3 am.  I was then up at 6 am as is my habit.  He got up at 11.30 and was saying how great the walk made him feel and how he knows he can deal with things and sort stuff out. 

In the last 3 hours he has said that he thinks the issue is his Visual Snow disorder..which is actually a 'thing'.  Another thing I have tried to get him help for which he has always bailed on.  He has now  gone full circle and is saying unless he can get medicinal cannabis he won't be able to live  He is actually driving me insane.  I definitely need support 

Next week I will be busy looking after Dad as he has surgery booked on Tuesday.  How my son will cope without me hear to be his constant sounding board will be interesting.  I am so over this.  It is absolute rubbish. 😞

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

I hope Tuesday goes well and that afterwards your dad is fine. I'm glad you see him as the priority and that for once your son has ot take a back seat. At 19 he seems to be using you for everything from venting his anger to excuses not to seek help.

So yes it will be a sort of trial for him not to be first on the list and able to lean heavily on you. How he reacts I've no idea and I suspect you might not know either. If you make sure he has the Kids Help Line Number 1800 55 1800 then at least if he feels bad there is an action he can take without having to feel completely lost.

Yes you certainly need support, not only loocking after your dad (do you have anyone to spell you?) but also help you cope with the constant heavy weight your son places on you

Croix

[Loveanimals]

Well the proverbial hit the fan last night.  He was actually quite psychotic and off his head and he bought some u know what.  I was at my wit's end.  I let him go.  He came in to my room around 3 am and was terribly upset.  He had a bad batch and he actually understands and believes now how bad the stuff is.  He is remorseful and has claimed he definitely not having  it anymore and he is going to do all he can to improve his life.  He was so upset and apologetic to me.  I love him.  I understand.  I forgive him.  I am glad last night happened as it has finally made him see sense.  All stuff and paraphernalia has been disposed of.  I have made one more appointment for him to see Dr before Dad's surgery etc.  Just to make sure that he will be ok and that he has that support if required. 

Meanwhile I am ok.  I know he has it in him to stick to this.  I will support him anyway I can but he also knows full well that he has to be in the driver's seat.'

Thankyou so much for caring.  I have nobody to help about this.  I think you are wonderful.  

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

Of course you still love him, though trying to keep up with his changes in moods and habits is very hard.  I hope that bad experience does help him turn the corner. The only thing I've picked up with someone trying to kick an addiction is praise is as important as anything else, any small victory should be recognized.

I realy hope he come to see you as a support, not an opposition or soemeone to blame.

I hope your dad goes well tomorrow, if you would like to do so I'd be pleased to know know how you go

Croix