Thinking of ending 5+ year relationship

[KyraMuse]

Hi, this is my 1st post. I am female and in my late 40's, as is my partner (male). We love each other and the relationship has been great, but I am feeling insecure about our future. One issue is marriage, which I have asked him about on and off (every 6 months) if we are heading in that direction, and he always answers yes, but seems to put delay tactics in place and never seems to be planning or doing anything towards making it happen. 

A few days ago there was an incident at his family's house where his father made a 'joke' comment about me not being welcome in their house (because I'm voting yes in the referendum and his parents voted no, fyi my partner is also voting yes with me). The next day I told my partner the comment was hurtful and offended me. My partner conveyed no empathy, told me I had misconstrued it, I was being sensitive and essentially wrong for being offended. I felt very deserted by my partner and I now feel that I can't trust him to understand my feelings. He has not been this unempathetic towards me in the past, I can understand it's his dad against his partner, and I wasn't expecting him to completely take my side, but I really wasn't expecting him to be that opposed to me. This trust issue on top of a general feeling that he doesn't want to commit to me is making me feel like I should break up with him. Any advice? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think I know how you feel.

In the 1980's I lived on and off with a lady for 7 years. She would never commit to marriage but didn't outright discount it. As it was important to me in that era, we separated. Yet in the 2000's I lived with another lady for 10 years and never married. I'm happily married for 12 years now.

Marriage means a lot to some people. If marriage doesn't eventuate then the hard decision follows because failure to satisfy one's partner is not showing due consideration,  even bordering on lack of respect or regard. 

However to many its a piece of paper that invites complexity if later separating. And/or they see no need, a been there done that feel. Can you see why this would result in little interest in marriage?

IMO for what it's worth, love is hard to find. If you have true love should that be enough? Would you be fair to continue to force your need to marry when same could fracture the relationship? Is it worth it? Can you feel lucky and content with the love? 

Your in-laws are a relationship between you and them. That "joke" has hurt your feelings whether meant as a joke or not. Such a comment AT THE TIME could have been tackled with your FIL then or before you left their property (just the both of you). (Im just hurt that you joked about me being banned from here, i love you, you werent serious were you?) This protects your relationship because your partner isn't drawn in. I'd go as far to say that drawing him in, if he supported you then contacted his father for mediation could be seen as triangulation and the results can be devastating to them both. 

I've always believed if you have an issue with someone sort it out directly.

Finally, religion and politics are no go zones with loved ones. My wife doesnt even know how im voting tomorrow.

I hope that help and thankyou for posting.

TonyWK  

[KyraMuse]

Thank you, your reply makes sense and helped me to think about things. 
When it comes to marriage, your perspective describes how I’ve been dealing with things for the past few years. I’ve always realised that I love him, so it doesn’t matter if he proposes or not, I’m still staying with him, so I may as well accept things the way they are. But I guess when I didn’t feel supported it actually made me feel unsafe in the relationship, as if I couldn’t trust him to understand my feelings when they’ve been hurt by another person making a badly-formed joke. So then my feelings on the marriage issue become: well am I really happy to stay in this relationship no matter what? Or could I be just as happy on my own and without that fear of being let down by my partner?
It feels like my FIL could say something racist about me (I’m not white Australian, but they are) and as long as it’s supposed to be a joke, my partner wouldn’t stand up for me because jokes are allowed to be offensive. 

I understand what you mean about it being between me and my FIL, but he didn’t make the comment to my face, I was in the adjoining room and in earshot, so it wasn’t intended for my ears, it was intended for the others listening to have a laugh at my expense. It wasn’t a situation where I could have confronted him about it, and I just don’t feel welcome at their house anymore. 

I’m feeling a bit of a shift in our relationship and also less emotionally secure than I did before.