Feeling so desperate

Elsam · ‎24-09-2021

I am desperate, I have had to take Valium tonight to ease my Anxiety

i am so in love with this man, he has pursued me for 5 mths and we have seen each other twice.

i told him on Wednesday night that I am so attracted to him and he replied:

Oh boy... Blushing

I replied: You wanted to know!

i want to message him but am so scared of scaring him off or losing him.

I feel such an amazing connection with him and feel so crazy in love with him

i don’t know what to do, the waiting is killing me!
Why has been become distant?

Is he thinking about me being attracted or is he is getting his thoughts together or is he ignoring me??

I don’t know what to do with him!

Do I send a message and say:

Are you not talking to me now? Or it would be nice to know if you are not talking to me now? But that makes me look desperate!

I sent him a nice message this morning:

Happy Friday!

Hope you have a nice day! xx

Got no response

I am dying with anxiety and can only think he is with another woman!

I cannot think straight

Guest_206 · ‎13-10-2021

Hi Elsam,

I 100% agree with what Juliet has said. I think you definitely need time to grieve the loss of the relationship that you were so yearning for. Maybe you could even contact Relationships Australia to help you with processing this grief. How are you feeling now?

Maybe this could also be an opportunity to reflect on what you might do differently next time you dip your feet in the dating world. here are my thoughts:

1. clarify up front whether the guy is looking for something casual or is looking for a relationship

2. On a first date, meet somewhere public and just have coffee/go for a walk.

3. If you feel a big initial spark and feel yourself falling head over heels at first sight - proceed with caution and remind yourself that you are still getting to know who this person is.

4. If you want to be exclusive, clarify if they are dating other people.

If you look up safe dating tips online, you will find more info.

Anyway, let us know your thoughts and how you're going.

Xg

Elsam · ‎13-10-2021

Thank you all, for the messages and support.

I am totally broken, I don’t know how I am getting through each day at the moment.

I will never date again, I am so scared of being hurt and going through this pain.

I am so lonely, I feel like I am dying.

Honestly, I am still trying to talk to him as I cannot move on with no answers

I do not understand why he has put a stop to everything even though o told him I was not ready for a relationship either.

I can’t do this, I cannot lose him

Sophie_M · ‎13-10-2021

Hi Elsam,

We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support.

In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

• Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

• If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Guest_206 · ‎13-10-2021

Hi Elsam,

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I can see that it's heartwrenching for you that you can't understand why he's gone cold.

But I believe that you will be able to move on from him in time because I believe that you are stronger than you think even if you can't feel it now. Can you think of a time in your past when you never thought you'd be strong enough to do something but in the end you did it?

Right now you just need to be gentle with yourself, and know that you're not alone as you have this community backing you.

Xg

Hanna3 · ‎13-10-2021

Hi Elsam

I'm sorry you're still so upset.

You know, they say "the worst relationship is the one you can't let go". It might be worth you looking that up online.

Because I think what you are grieving is whatever was the part of this encounter that at the time made you feel happy and you are not thinking about all the time you spent feeling anxious and lonely and confused and hurt by this man.

Most of the past five months have been spent by you in anticipation of what amounted to only two weekends - and then only part of those weekends!

In reality you only had two meetings with him in nearly half a year. Yes I know he travelled but he made no effort to see you again before he left and has seen you only once since he returned.

Can you have a think about the time you spent anguishing over what you should text and when, wondering why he wasn't replying or wouldn't ever let you ring him, all the time you were left alone, all the time he had you waiting while he was away and only sent texts of a few words and a pic - which would have taken him all of about 30 seconds to do?

Don't you think you are worth more than this? Would you have treated him this way?

I'm sure he was charming when he did meet you but I think he just wanted to get you into bed with him. Sorry, but I'm being brutally honest here.

Clearly men can find you attractive and I'm sure you are happy, enjoyable company and lovely to be with! Can you use the knowledge that you are a person people find attractive and great company to give you the confidence to let go of this lousy relationship and find someone who will want to spend time with you? Someone who won't keep you dangling and anxious and unhappy and alone.

Move on now. You'll be lonely for a while only because I think your hope this man would be "the one" has kept you going. Spend time with friends and family and you'll get over this guy and find someone better.

You know you will be OK! You have support here and people who are trying to truly help you.

Big hugs girl!

💝🥀🌼🙂

Guest_1643 · ‎14-10-2021

Hi Elsam,

Hang in there. I read how you used to wait for him to ,essage first, and that way know he is keen.

I used to do that, but games are games, he could also do that, to test if u are interested...

feeling unsafe and unstable in a relationship shatters self esteem. To out so,one through that is awful. I hope u can love urself so so much to the point where u woild not want him. If he treated u this way once, he could do it again, to u or others..., I'd want to be as far away as possible from that. What would happen if u never heard from him again? But then 1 year ago you bump I I him, he's between things, breaking up, making up, lost....and u are happy with so,eone who adores you. You have a lot to gain....in Ur beautiful future

Juliet_84 · ‎14-10-2021

Oh Elsam, it is clear you are going through a storm right now and I hope you can find peace soon. In reality, you have your answer from him, he is not interested and not after anything serious. He may have problems with commitment or just be after something casual. You say that you are not ready for a relationship, but for someone afraid of commitment, your desire to meet up and keep in regular contact (perfectly reasonable things for a person to want), likely spoke otherwise to him. While he may be an avoidant attachment style you are likely an anxious preoccupied attachment style and so the withdrawal causes you to fear abandonment and become increasingly persistent, causing him to withdraw further. If you have some time, maybe reading about these attachment styles may help you understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately I think you are unlikely to get any more answers from this man and I expect he will most likely stop responding. Have you been able to make an appointment with your psychologist? If not, would you consider calling the beyond blue helpline and speaking to someone there?