FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Feeling so desperate

Elsam
Community Member

I am desperate, I have had to take Valium tonight to ease my Anxiety

i am so in love with this man, he has pursued me for 5 mths and we have seen each other twice.

i told him on Wednesday night that I am so attracted to him and he replied:

Oh boy... Blushing

I replied: You wanted to know!

i want to message him but am so scared of scaring him off or losing him.

I feel such an amazing connection with him and feel so crazy in love with him

i don’t know what to do, the waiting is killing me!
Why has been become distant?

Is he thinking about me being attracted or is he is getting his thoughts together or is he ignoring me??

I don’t know what to do with him!

Do I send a message and say:

Are you not talking to me now? Or it would be nice to know if you are not talking to me now? But that makes me look desperate!

I sent him a nice message this morning:

Happy Friday!

Hope you have a nice day! xx

Got no response

I am dying with anxiety and can only think he is with another woman!

I cannot think straight

56 Replies 56

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Elsam,

I’m glad to hear. It certainly does seem very suspicious that he won’t talk on the phone even once over the past 5 or more months. And the constant trips to the US is unusual, particularly during a pandemic. Unless he is not really going there all the time and is doing something else here? He could just be sending old photos from other trips? Who honestly knows what is real and what is not with this guy. I would almost want to hire a private detective to find out what is actually going on, like on one of those shows lol. Not saying that is what you should do, and I certainly don’t think you should waste your money on him, but it would just be nice to know what his actual situation is because I don’t think you’re going to get the truth from him unfortunately.
The reality is Elsam, that you deserve a man who is not just going to see you sporadically on a Saturday night but also take you out on a Sunday for a walk in the park. Someone who will message you during the day and ask you how your day is or call you after work, and remember things about you and become a part of your life. Someone who you can count on to be there for you when you need them, not just when it suits them. It’s a shame that he isn’t this person as I know how exciting it can be when you feel that spark of attraction, it can be intoxicating and he has led you on in many ways. But you will feel that way again, I promise you. It’s a sad and painful lesson to learn that not everyone out there is as genuine as they first seem. I’ve learnt that the only way to guard against getting hurt is to take your time and really get to know the person before rushing in.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hiya Elsam.

So sorry your hurting , l am myself to actually have a thread here somewhere. Thing is , he didn't pursue you much really at all , half the time you went on a limb and contacted him bc he'd disappeared again. And when he did it wasn't really much sorry.Few line, pic or two , doesn't really carry much wait l'm afraid. Same with saying he's attracted , he can feel attracted yet not more, yaknow.

They're right he isn't sure of his feelings but l'd go one more and say he isn't feeling more. On the US , of course he has to go back , he's children are there, my God how does he bear having his children on the other side of the world. He'll be going back forever just not as often when they're adults and with their own lives. They might be now actually are they , maybe that's how he can only go a few times a yr now bc if they were younger any father needs a lot more time with his children than that.

rx

Sorry l see they are adults now so that would at least explain how he can be this far away from them.And l agree with Juliet it is odd how he chose in the middle of a pandemic to go this time.

ps , the date site thing well yeah he met you on it , he may have met a lot of women on it but that doesn't mean he's fallin in love sorry. He's just spent a little bit of time with you talked a little bit too l mean that's what you'd do meeting somebody to see in time how you feel about ea other.

rx

Hi randomx,

I see what you are saying as well, that even though he has given some signals of maybe being attracted, he really hasn’t committed all that much. Two dates in a 6 month period, which both resulted in sex, and then just text messages, which don’t really take that much time or energy. I think the confusion for Elsam has been perhaps what he has been saying. Whereas I’ve learnt over the years to ignore what people are saying and focus on their actions and whether the two line up. If they are seeing you one a week or a few times a week, calling you after work to see how your day was, running errands with you just to spend time with you, or visiting you at work to have lunch with you and remembering important dates or coming to functions etc, those are all signs to me that someone is interested as they are expending quite a bit of time and energy to get to know you and become a part of your life. People often make the excuse of being busy, I’ve done it myself, but the reality is that you make time for the things that are important to you. I have worked for a number of specialists and surgeons, incredibly time-poor people, but they still made time for their families and were able to manage both. Please don’t beat yourself up Elsam, I don’t think that you did anything that made him lose interest, I just think that he wasn’t particularly clear with his intentions at the start.

Yeah you are right Juliet , even presidents find time for love , hell they still find more time for affairs in the side.

So sorry again Elsam but as Juliet's saying , yeah he hasn't spent any real time with you at all. He's not becoming part of your life your world , you , at all , there's no depth to he's few messages either really. l'm sorry but coming from a guy there's nothing much at all indicating a man newly in love .

Elsam
Community Member

Thank you so much amazing people, you all make me feel better and see things a little clearer.

Can I ask your opinions on me giving him a phone call possibly Saturday afternoon.

That way he has had 5 days to think about things before I give him a call out of the blue!

i am worried he might get angry and hang up on me though?

I was going to respect him and and ask if we could have a chat on the phone but that only gives him the opportunity to make excuses!!!!

If I call him it will ease my mind that way I will be able to get some clear answers if he answers my questions.

I want to ask him can I come and see him or catch up for a coffee.

Both times we have been together he has got us drunk straight away that way you don’t have a chance to really talk about anything and it was when he was drunk that he kept asking me what I was thinking!!

Hanna3
Community Member

Hi Elsam

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I am sorry you've been distressed and I can see others here have been giving you good advice.

Elsam if the relationship isn't progressing he isn't interested. Please don't ring him you're just setting yourself up for more hurt.

He's made it clear he doesn't want anything more than a casual fling. He is quite possibly seeing other women.

I can only repeat what the others here have said to you.

Give up on this man unless you are prepared to be used for no more than occasional sex with him, which it seems to me is only going to cause you more anguish and be a waste of your time and quite honestly insulting to you.

Don't waste your time on this one.

It's a lesson learned. Walk away with at least some dignity left.

He's made it clear he doesn't want anything more. You clearly do, and fair enough - but not with this man.

Find yourself someone who is truly interested in you as a person and who cares about you.

This guy isn't and doesn't.

I'm sorry but move on now.

You've waited half a year for someone who gives you crumbs. Don't waste any more time on him.

I'm sorry but everyone here has been telling you this.

Keep your dignity and spend your love on someone who is deserving of it.

Not this guy.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Elsam,

I agree with Hanna, when someone shows you their actions you need to believe them the first time. He has shown himself as callous and inconsiderate of your feelings. If he does by some miracle he does answer your call and does agree to meet up, you would more than likely end up in bed together and then you would be back in the exact same spot afterwards, with him ignoring your calls and feelings. But more than likely, he will be on high alert for your calls and not be answering any unknown numbers. It doesn’t matter what this man has to say, he’s shown you what he’s like. Don’t waste any more time by chasing him anymore, get back on the dating app and keep looking for someone who wants the same things as you.

Hanna3
Community Member

Elsam he has either ignored your messages or given you a flippant reply. He's been rude to you and treating you with contempt for your feelings.

Take time to care for yourself and pamper yourself as you've been hurt.

Think about what you want and need in a future relationship. What qualities do you want in a man? What interests can you share, what sense of humour do you like?

Can you work on improving your own self-esteem?

Then go out and find a man who treats you with kindness and generosity and genuine regard.

Hugs 💗

Hanna3
Community Member
Juliet, you give very thoughtful and kind advice to Elsam!