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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team keeps the Forums anonymous, posts are still online for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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RebeccaS How to deal with my boyfriends porn addiction which is now involving one on one communication with them
  • replies: 13

My boyfriend has a life long porn addiction which came about because of child sexual abuse he suffered, he's now in his 40s. I knew he watched it but was only aware it was an addiction when he told me 4 years into our 8 year relationship and he later... View more

My boyfriend has a life long porn addiction which came about because of child sexual abuse he suffered, he's now in his 40s. I knew he watched it but was only aware it was an addiction when he told me 4 years into our 8 year relationship and he later had some therapy sessions which didn't seem to change much. I haven't been too concerned about it I think now it was because I don't think I understood just HOW addicted he really is. My major problem right now is that I have found out that he pays for a subscription where he is chatting, swapping photos and videos and Im fairly sure he is accepting video calls from the girls too. THIS is a problem for me. He is cheating on me by doing this. I am very understanding as to why he has this addiction but this cheating is not something I can support but I also don't want to make him anymore ashamed of the addiction he has. I knew all of this (he didn't know I knew yet) and I had given him the opportunity to tell me is it a subscription and chatting too or just watching porn and he lied. I told him my boundaries that I can support him through the porn watching addiction but the cheating I cant support and told him to unsubscribe and stop the chat stuff and he hasn't done it. I want to support him through this awful addiction he has from an awful childhood trauma but I'll never be ok with him cheating with these porn star girls with the communications he has with them. I'm afraid he's now become addicted to contacting them. I'm so upset I can barley eat or sleep. I love him but how can I ever work this out?

Amme3000 Unhappily married feeling lost and confused
  • replies: 18

Thanks for reading. I have been with my partner for almost 12 years and we have 2 children. He is a really nice man however he has never really listened to me. This includes my needs and wants even if I am really clear. So there have been times where... View more

Thanks for reading. I have been with my partner for almost 12 years and we have 2 children. He is a really nice man however he has never really listened to me. This includes my needs and wants even if I am really clear. So there have been times where I really needed his support and he wasn't there for me even though I drop everything to support him and make his life easier. Now in January 2021 I was in a bad place psychologically, having anxiety attacks and suicidal ideation. I am no longer in this space and have gotten a lot of support around this. Anyway I stood there and told him how I was feeling and that I needed his support. I explained what I needed from him at this time to help me through. I was very vulnerable. I was honestly scared for my own safety. Things did change and he was there for me....for two weeks, and then things went back to how they were. So I got support from my psychologist and a male friend. Forward on a few months I felt like I was having an emotional affair which I didn't think was fair so I told my husband. I told him what was happening and the reasons behind it. Again nothing changed. Since then he has been through my phone behind my back (on several occasions) and he became incredibly jealous. He has made me choose between my friend (who has been one of my best mates for years) and him, which I do get but is hard because I miss the person who was there for me in my time of need. We are now going to counselling and things have changed but as soon as we are put under pressure things go back to how they were. I don't know why I am rambling here I just feel like 12 years is a really long time to be in a relationship with someone who never really cared about your needs. But on the flipside of the coin it is a really long time to just throw away. I am feeling so lost and confused in regards to my relationship and I don't have anyone that I can talk to about it. Especially as we continue to have to go into Lockdown together with our 2 children. I can't get away from him to get the space I need to work through this.

lunaloo19 I need help with my mum
  • replies: 3

Hi all, This is my first post. I’m really lost and need help. Things with my Mum have been really rocky, ever since corona virus started she’s become obsessed with conspiracy theories and it consumes her entire life. She’s losing friends and family o... View more

Hi all, This is my first post. I’m really lost and need help. Things with my Mum have been really rocky, ever since corona virus started she’s become obsessed with conspiracy theories and it consumes her entire life. She’s losing friends and family over how aggressive she gets to someome not agreeing with her. For some background on me. I’ve had diagnosed depression, anxiety and ptsd from my childhood for about 7 years now. (I’ve been in therapy the whole time). I’ve always felt that my mum dosent believe I have any reason to feel these ways and she always invalidates me. For this reason I’ve never really opened up to anyone expect my therapist. Im a very very reserved person. anywho, onto my dilemma. my mum is an alcoholic. She refuses to accept this (even tho she’s been to rehab before) and instead blames everyone else. Tonight she told me in more words that I make her feel like she should kill her self because I don’t listen to her covid conspiracies. She’s always reassured me she would never kill her self because she wouldn’t do that to me but she’s never spoke about it to this extent? I’m unsure what to do. When I said do you want to kill your self she said no I didn’t say that but It wouldn’t matter if I did. what do I do? It’s 12am so my family is asleep. Do I call someone? She’s drunk so that’s why she’s sayinf these things but what if she means it? She often says things when she’s drunk and dosent remember the next day. It’s usually abusive things

Little_Miss_Molly Not coping well with breaking up with my ex, him finally realising he is gay and he is moving on after a week
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone I am so confused about things at the moment and have no one that I can talk to about it. After a bipolar psychotic episode I decided that the 4 year relationship I was in was toxic and I needed to leave and work on me. I moved out a week ... View more

Hi everyone I am so confused about things at the moment and have no one that I can talk to about it. After a bipolar psychotic episode I decided that the 4 year relationship I was in was toxic and I needed to leave and work on me. I moved out a week ago today. I have always known that my partner was bisexual and would talk to guys at times, but he never hooked up with anyone. In particular he would talk to M to F transsexuals. We were always very open about these sorts of things. But 3 days before I moved out he said he believed he was gay. This really wasn't a surprise for me as I had suspected it for a while. We had no sexualising relationship and there had been almost no affection for a long time. We still love each other, but in a different way. I was at the house today and he started telling me about a couple of guys that he is having full on chats with. I shut the conversation down very quickly. But the last comment the made was a kick in the gut. He said "You knew that I would start talking to men straight away didn't you?" I knew he probably would start talking to guys more, but to hear it was so full on and obviously very intense (there was a tube of lube on the coffee table) hurt so bad. Now I'm at my place with just my cat and realised that I can't talk to anyone about it. How am I supposed to feel? My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry that he thinks I want to hear about it (or see the evidence) even though I was okay with it when we were together. I'm angry and upset that he seems to disregard the last 4 years. I feel sad that I couldn't offer him what he needed. But I am also feeling so lonely, displaced and confused. I wish I could call my closest friend and talk to her, but she is fairly narrow minded and can't deal with the idea. My other friends husband works with my ex and he isn't ready to tell everyone just yet. I have an appointment with my psychologist next week, but I need some advice in the meantime.

Cavvie_Mum Empty Nest?
  • replies: 2

First timer here…..My adult daughter and her partner have told me they will be moving interstate shortly. I am absolutely devastated and do don’t know how I am going to cope..outwardly I am putting up a brave front but inside I am heartbroken. I just... View more

First timer here…..My adult daughter and her partner have told me they will be moving interstate shortly. I am absolutely devastated and do don’t know how I am going to cope..outwardly I am putting up a brave front but inside I am heartbroken. I just cannot imagine how I am going to live without her not being in the same city as us. I know that I do not see her everyday or every week for that matter. We do not have any other children and have no other family where we live. I do have a “life” of my own and want to be happy for my daughter and her partner but at the same time I am petrified. My husband simply says you can always just hop on a plane and go and visit her, but that does not help. I know that I can do that. It is just this awful fear that they are not going on holiday, they are leaving for good and not coming back!!! I feel some anger towards my daughter and her partner that they are leaving and want to be supportive but am finding it very difficult. All of her partners family live in the town that they are relocating to. I feel like we are being abandoned. So many mixed emotions at the moment. I am really struggling….. .

Nattttttt I dont feel safe in my home right now
  • replies: 2

I don't feel safe right now. I don't want to delve into it too much but I have a lot of evidence that my sibling is planning on or is strongly wishing to harm me, which will result in something bad happening to me, or me getting kicked out. I suspect... View more

I don't feel safe right now. I don't want to delve into it too much but I have a lot of evidence that my sibling is planning on or is strongly wishing to harm me, which will result in something bad happening to me, or me getting kicked out. I suspected for a while they were manipulating evidence to paint me as the 'bad one' but literally tonight I discovered they are twisting evidence in order to worsen the situation. And that scares me. I feel so sick thinking about it and the confrontation that will happen soon either today or this week, is killing me. I have no where else to go, I desperately need some of the commodities in my home, such as the computer, since it has my university assignments on them (and it's not something I can easily copy into the cloud, the machine is set up for the assignments). Although my parents are 'book smart', they don't really understand conversations and situations, so if I tried to describe or explain something they don't really get it. And that scares me since the sibling can easily manipulate them. I feel really scared and sick. I've mentally prepared an escape route from my room if things get to an escalated level of violence (which I hope it doesn't because how am I going to 1 v 3). I'm so scared my hands have been numb and shaky for hours. I have no friends to go with, and no where to go since I'm not technically homeless or experiencing assault. I wish I could have a 24/7 body guard. It's 3am right now so I have time before the day comes to think of something. I'm not in the position to drop everything and escape, since my uni will get screwed over. I also am not in the position to fight since I would definitely lose and probably die as a result. I would like to calmly have a civilized conversation and come to a good consensus - but let's be real on what planet does that go down well?? My current plan is to lock myself in my room and never come out unless I need to use the escape route. I need help. What do I do?

WhoUnderstandsEmotions_ Everyone picks my twin over me
  • replies: 1

I’m not really sure if i’m being unreasonable or if it’s valid to feel so upset about this but i don’t know what to do. I have a twin and I love her, we used to be best friends back when all i needed was her but sadly we’ve grown apart. We used to sh... View more

I’m not really sure if i’m being unreasonable or if it’s valid to feel so upset about this but i don’t know what to do. I have a twin and I love her, we used to be best friends back when all i needed was her but sadly we’ve grown apart. We used to share everything - parties and friends and I used to be okay with that until i realised that they were her parties and her friends. When it comes down to it, even at my own birthdays, I am alone. I would invite friends over for sleepovers and never actually see them because they spent the entire time with my sister, didn’t even say goodbye. After highschool i finally made my own friends, I was in uni and I was happy for the first time in a while. She sort of knew a friend of one of my friends and they all ended up hanging out together clubbing which i’m not really into so i tapped out early and went to sleep. I’ve had no contact from any of my ‘friends’ since, they’ve created group chats without me but with my sister and my only other friend. I understand them not always texting me but they’ve been hanging out with my sister since then and just don’t invite me. I had talked to them about my insecurities with my sister being more fun and interesting than me and losing everything to her and so the fact that after they all said they’d never ditch me for her that they immediately did so hurts. I was going to move out of a bad family living situation with one of them next year and now the sight of them (always with my sister) causes me to have anxiety attacks. It’s almost as miserable being at home but i’ve stopped going to uni classes because i can’t bear to be there anymore now that my sister is constantly around. I feel like i’m just being unfair because my friends are allowed to have other friends and i’m not a big party person so i wouldn’t always take the offer to hang out anyway but it hurts more that it feels like they’re deliberately excluding me. I tried messaging them about it but they just said ‘thats totally valid’ and never messaged me again. i just don’t know what to do. My sister says she’s not doing it on purpose so its not her problem if people just like her better than me. I just want one person to choose me over her, I’ve lost all my friends and even my parents. I’ve been the best person i can be, i’ve even tried making myself useful and being the friend that always has cookies or gifts or advice but everyone still leaves.

understanding90 Self abandonment and Loneliness
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone. I'm a 30yo Male who has recently split with my partner of 18months. Our relationship for the last 9 months consisted of a lot of clashing over mostly basic day to day topics like who does this, who does that, who pays for this, etc etc. ... View more

Hi everyone. I'm a 30yo Male who has recently split with my partner of 18months. Our relationship for the last 9 months consisted of a lot of clashing over mostly basic day to day topics like who does this, who does that, who pays for this, etc etc. In hindsight it seems shamefully inconsequential. The things i'm struggling with most at the moment are loneliness and regret. I live alone and 80% of my friends I met through her so now I am spending most of my time feeling lost and alone. I also quit my job when we broke up - she had been encouraging me to leave it and make a change for a year but I never had the courage to do so. I feel regretful because I have been through other breakups in my life where I don't make changes required of me throughout a relationship that are causing me discontent which then affects my happiness and the way that I treat my partner. I often end up pushing them away emotionally and dreaming of a escape. I've come to realise that most of the problems that I see in the world and in my relationships are within my mind and my perspective of the world. I feel really disheartened that i'm nearly 31 and now have had a few failed relationships under similar circumstances. Why do I find it so hard to 'be a responsible man' and commit to loving myself, my life and my partners? I constantly try to change external factors rather than looking within and doing the inner work. I've started seeing a psychologist, 3 sessions so far and planning to do many more and i'm going to study psychology because I have a keen interest in it now. But at the moment each day is really hard, I often feel crippled with regret and loneliness and I wish that I could have made my relationship work.

SR2333 Be Tough
  • replies: 5

So I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, supposedly we are b/f /g/f. We both have our issues. I’m not sure who’s are worse honestly. Anyway I’d see about a once week. Sometimes we would go out, stay in and he gave me a swipe to get up to his apart... View more

So I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, supposedly we are b/f /g/f. We both have our issues. I’m not sure who’s are worse honestly. Anyway I’d see about a once week. Sometimes we would go out, stay in and he gave me a swipe to get up to his apartments, I’ve left medication there and toiletries. He had to go to court a few weeks ago that wasn’t great and I haven’t heard much, last Wednesday I did a welfare call, we talked but he had to see his parents, and then Thursday I received a long message telling me he really cared for me, but he had to go through all the court stuff on his own, that’s how did things, he knew it wasn’t healthy but that’s how he did it. I wrote back and thanked him for the explanation but said couldn’t we at least say Goodmorning/ goodnight. Honestly I’m worried, perhaps suspicious too. But nothing I have heard nothing. Not a well no that won’t work. so my question is when do you think I should either put the key pass in his mailbox and give up? Or do I do another welfare check? Or do I wait? My issues are fairly huge, so this added isn’t the best, but in some ways it’s the easier one. But I do find myself checking the papers everyday as he is somewhat well known, so I guess that’s not the greatest but perhaps understandable, I guess some may also be wondering suspicious, there was a story that he may have deceived a woman but in saying that apart from now he has been overly transparent with me the entire time. I guess I don’t want another I told you so either, but I also have evidence of someone not coping well at all, I just wish he would damn well let me know a little more. Perhaps the old adage of you can lead a horse to water applies. Or perhaps people in stone houses or maybe it’s just been 3 days and I should just give it the rest of the week.

m0ira Not coping after the break up
  • replies: 3

My boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up about 5 weeks ago. We started seeing each other when the Melbourne lockdown finished and he became my whole world. I was trekking across the city to watch his cricket games, or to just hold his hand while he co... View more

My boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up about 5 weeks ago. We started seeing each other when the Melbourne lockdown finished and he became my whole world. I was trekking across the city to watch his cricket games, or to just hold his hand while he coached because all I wanted was to be around him. I knew that he was a busy guy when we got together but at times it was hard, between uni, work, cricket (he was at cricket events min 5 days a week) and our relationship. This became something I said bothered me because I felt like I was the last item on the list and the solution was for me to cope through cricket season and then he'd have more time for me when it finished. This happened for a period of time which I was grateful for, we seemed to be getting on well and even planned a holiday away together with friends, this is where the cracks started showing. When we were away he was always making remarks and comments, comments that would belittle me and make me feel small and when I would get upset I was 'ruining the holiday'. The Saturday after we got back was our 6 month anniversary which I was really excited to celebrate with him but he bailed on me to watch the footy with his dad and then got really angry at me, thinking that I was trying to control him when I would make comment on how it made me feel sad that he wasn't spending that day with me. Later that night he came round with flowers and apologized and I forgave him. Then his dad gets drunk at his 50th and starts laying into me about how I was trying to control his son and how I needed to back off. I went to bed beside myself in tears feeling confused because my ex called the shots in our relationship. I was still upset the next day but my ex refused to come see me and comfort me. Fast forward and from here we spent the next 2 months fighting every other day and not getting on, he wanted to leave multiple times but I was always convinced that we could fix things. The intimacy stopped and he became more physical with me. He would push me, pinch me, trip me, scream at me for taking up too much of the bed. I know that in reality the break up was for the best because in the end he started treating me really poorly, doing things like screaming at me in the street on nights out and punching walls to make me feel physically unsafe, however, I've not been able to shake this feeling of missing him and loneliness since and all I want to do is reach out to talk to him even though I know I need to let go.

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