Is this wrong?

[puzzlegirl]

Hello, and apologies for the crass-ness of this post. I am in the middle of a marriage that is completely disintegrated. He doesn't love me, doesn't want me. Recently told me he doesn't want to have sex with me. Then the next day tells me he doesn't think it's wrong for another girl to give him oral sex, and vice versa. We have always been monogamous, and he has said that sex is the line that crosses into an affair. Mind you, the relationship he has had with a woman these last 4 years I already consider an affair. Now with this new relaxed morality I've heard from him, I am questioning whether these two have already crossed that line? I certainly feel that there is nothing sacred left in my marriage, and this makes me feel even more like dirt. Do you think he's crossed the line? Or am I being super moral and should I lower my standards also? He also encouraged me to go out and find a man to give oral sex to. It just makes me feel worthless. I'm just not sure if my view is clouded by my hurts. Thanks for your input.

[Miz]

Hi Puzzlegirl,

Thanks for posting - it sounds like you've been going through a bit of a tough time! To me, this sounds like your husband no longer respects you or your marriage. If you have previously had a loving, monogamous marriage then being with someone else is definitely crossing a line and breaking the marriage. I think he maybe thinks this is now okay and is encouraging you to do the same thing so it doesn't make him look like a bad person. You should not feel pressured into having an affair to even the playing field - he is showing you very little respect by demanding that of you. I think you should think about your boundaries and what you need to feel confident and respected, if your husband is making you feel worthless that is not a good sign.

Here if you want to talk more.

Help is always around.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear puzzlegirl...

I am not sure how to reply to you..so I’ll share a bit of my story..with my late husband..

Ill call him J..He wanted the same as you’re husband does...except he wanted me more then anything else to go out and have sex with other men...I refused....So he started looking for a women to have an affair with...without success...This went on for many many years...He used to bring men home to me...I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time until these men left..then I would pay the consequences when I came out of the room I locked myself into...l

J then started to drop me off at the beach, with no money to get home...just so I could “pick up” someone...he even dropped me off at those adult video shops and left me there...many times I would sleep under the stars until he picked me up the next day....

Why did I stay...I had nowhere to go...I was terrified of him...plus back then their wasn’t very many shelters for woman....dv wasn’t a big thing...I made my bed my mum said..so I need to sleep in it...this continued until he passed from cancer 8 years ago....and it’s had a terrible impact on my mental health...because I felt like dirt, unworthy of respect...even though I did nothing with other men....It still all haunts me today...To J sex wasn’t sacred...after J stopped working..he said to me..”What else is their in life except having fun with sex”....and he said I was ugly and boring...

Why I’m sharing my story..is that.what your husband is saying he wants to do and wants you to do...is showing you he has no respect for you at all....he is only thinking of himself and his needs....Plus in time your husband might want you to do more then he is asking you now...I’m a little concerned that he might also bring men home to you...so please, please do not lower your values or standards for anyone...

puzzlegirl...You are a beautiful person and it sounds like your husband is trying to manipulate you...No one can tell you what to do..it has to be you to decide...It’s your body and no one has a right to force you to do things you don’t want to do....

Most important thing to do lovely puzzlegirl...is to look after you...you are important...you need to do what you feel is best for you...not your husband in this circumstance...

Stay true to yourself....

My kindest and most caring thoughts lovely lady...

Grandy....please take care of you puzzlegirl...

[puzzlegirl]

You are both spot on- he certainly doesn't respect me or our marriage. This is obvious in him frequently talking about me as his obligation, and spending time with me is just 'doing what he has to do'. He also often comments about how marriage is a trap, and recently has made remarks asking if some man I mention (like my physio, or colleague who is 20 years older than me) is my 'boyfriend'. My answer is 'no, I'm married, I'm not gonna cheat'. But I can't help but wonder if he provoking this to satisfy his own guilt at having a 'girlfriend' that he refuses to acknowledge as such (though there are clear signs- always out with her, affectionate with her, she is his No. 1 priority). He is mostly low-key rude to me, and if he is kind it is out of obligation. I seriously want to just bust him and her crossing the line, so I have justification for 'why' I feel so shit. Then perhaps it'd make me feel less like I'm worthless, and more like he is the scumbag who couldn't bother respecting his wife of nearly 20 years. It would also make me feel less crazy-I just want peace in my mind. Thanks for your comments.

[WaterFront]

Hi puzzlegirl,

I am sorry to say that yes, I think he has crossed the line. It sounds like he is just trying to find a way to justify his behaviour so that he doesn't have to be the person doing the wrong thing in the situation. (whether the oral sex has occurred or not). I would say that's also why he is encouraging you to do it too. I am so sorry to hear that you are being treated in this way and wonder if you should think about whether you should be allowing him to do so. Of course, that's for you to decide as you are the one in the situation. If someone isn't valuing you, is doing and saying treacherous things and making you question your own sense of worth, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. I know the idea of that is extremely hard and difficult.

WaterFront

[Petal22]

Hi puzzle girl,

Sorry to hear this….

This is absolutely disgusting that he would think that having oral sex is ok with another person out side of his marriage…….. how disrespectful! And for him to tell you to go out and find a man to do this with is horrible…..

If he has told you he doesn’t love you then puzzle girl I think you deserve a lot better! And you can definitely meet a man who will value you …..

Know your self and love your self……… you really don’t have to live this life with him…. You can do so much better!

Here to chat

[Petal22]

Hi Ggrand,

Sorry to hear you went through this…..

You are such a beautiful person and I think you deserve the best in life…

Have a nice day ❤️

[puzzlegirl]

So, I thought I'd post an update. Husband has since apologised without my prompting for saying such a hurtful thing. He has since also told me that he has a plan in motion that will see us slowly separating over the next few years. It is official- he is well and truly done with me and though I forgive him for the horrible thing he said about the oral sex, I just think it's an indicator that he actually is looking forward to something/one new and exciting. I am numb. I am finding this new information difficult to process- only a few days ago I thought there was a small glimmer of hope that things could be reconciled, but once he makes a decision he sticks with it. So, out I go. Any tips on how to navigate divorce over a few years while still living together would be great. Because right now it's just freaking awkward.

[Harlow88]

Hi Puzzlegirl,

it’s my first day here and I had to respond to this.
Your husband sounds like he doesn’t deserve you at all. It may not seem like it now but this is a blessing.
You are way too important and special and loving to put up with his immaturity.
he sounds dodgy as hell.
you deserve better. And now you can love your life the way you want to and that’s a wonderful thing that in time, you’ll believe too.
I hope in the last few days you’re feeling better and doing ok.
sending much love xx

[Dadmeister]

Hi Puzzlegirl, what I see here is a different moral code for each of you. Unless you are both consensual to the same code then it will be very hard to move over. For example I am an old school guy, only ever been with the one girl my whole life since we started dating in 1989. Over the past few years wife has struggled with the fact that she has only ever been with me and started an emotional affair with another man. I do not believe this has turned physical but it took over our life and his marriage has ended as a result and my wife has not spoeken to me for nearly a year when i called her out on it. She would often would pass comments about what is wrong with dating others, what is wrong with threesomes etc. I said it is not for me to judge others but i am only interested in her and my marriage is monogamous and exclusive. My wife admitted her code has changed as she reached menopause but she cant understand why I dont go along with the change. The marriage counsellor agreed with her and said that many women approaching 50 feel they have missed out an want to be free spirits. This is a hard dilemma and took me to a very dark place where I questioned my own existence, but after a heap of therapy I have found joy in myself and with my 3 daughters. My wife and I are living separated under the one roof and i still love her and my anger is gone however she still maintains regular contact with the other guy including packaging and delivering meals to him since his separation. I know that this cant go on forever but for now I know that I am a great father and for the first time in my life am putting myself first. Puzzlegirl learn to love yourself again. I cant stress that enough.