Is this wrong?

puzzlegirl · ‎18-09-2021

Hello, and apologies for the crass-ness of this post. I am in the middle of a marriage that is completely disintegrated. He doesn't love me, doesn't want me. Recently told me he doesn't want to have sex with me. Then the next day tells me he doesn't think it's wrong for another girl to give him oral sex, and vice versa. We have always been monogamous, and he has said that sex is the line that crosses into an affair. Mind you, the relationship he has had with a woman these last 4 years I already consider an affair. Now with this new relaxed morality I've heard from him, I am questioning whether these two have already crossed that line? I certainly feel that there is nothing sacred left in my marriage, and this makes me feel even more like dirt. Do you think he's crossed the line? Or am I being super moral and should I lower my standards also? He also encouraged me to go out and find a man to give oral sex to. It just makes me feel worthless. I'm just not sure if my view is clouded by my hurts. Thanks for your input.

puzzlegirl · ‎05-10-2021

Thanks for the check in. Life is really awkward and strange really. There are moments where life feels 'normal' again- talking and sharing a coffee, then the next minute he will remind me of all of the reasons why we shouldn't be together, why he just doesn't like having conversation with me. Hugging in bed, then he will remind me how much he just doesn't want me and that he wants me to move out of the bedroom. It's a pendulum swing, and it's making me dizzy. I see that he is conflicted- we have shared more than half our life together, and I am certain he has his moments where he feels like a jerk. He says he feels sorry for me- but I don't want his pity. If he can't love me as his wife, then I want nothing. But at the same time, I don't really want NOTHING, I want my husband to be my husband. I don't want to start over, like you, the prospect scares me. I think to sum it up, I am just feeling really confused right now. Confused because there is no future, because the next steps are only going to hurt, and at the bottom of all of it I feel like this whole thing isn't fair. I'm ok. I guess it's just a day at a time thing, because I've lost the confidence I had in our relationship, I guess because there isn't one anymore. So every day needs to be taken on it's now merit- with the hurt and grief and the good times too. Sorry, I think this was a bit of a ramble. Appreciate the check in very much. Right now, the BB community is my only space for verbalising my feelings. Thanks.

puzzlegirl · ‎09-10-2021

Hello BB friends. I'm hopeful for some more advice... Husband recently told me that he is reconsidering divorce, but the description he gave boils down to him simply feeling pity for me at the moment. I'm not sure that's a reasonable reason to backtrack on such an enormous decision. I'd prefer not to have his pity. Further to that, there are some things that he and his 'friend' are more and more becoming a united front against me about. For example, I really don't like her, and so I am pretty non-committal around her. I'm not rude to her, but she also doesn't have a place in my life. She's kind of a 'nothing' to me. Well, she complained about this to my husband, feeling that I am unpleasant. He's totally sided with her. I have no forum within which I can express my feeling, and have been told to 'man up' and pretty much just be happy all of the time. How can I be? I am broken hearted. Now, sure, I could admit that 'maybe' she's got a point- but she's just destroyed my marriage, so, you know? We don't have to be buddies. I tolerate her at best. But what's got me is that my husband would totally throw away ALL compassion for me, I guess it feels like he's abandoned me and I don't have anyone to fight for me anymore (that used to be him). So I am feeling very alone and abandoned. Add to that, I have no space to have any feelings, just gotta plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything is ok. Gah! Am I over-reacting to this? Do I just need to man up and forget how much it all hurts right now? Thanks so much.

WaterFront · ‎10-10-2021

Hi puzzlegirl,

I think you are absolutely not over-reacting. How could your husband and his 'friend' possible expect you to be friendly and happy under the circumstances. I applaud the fact that you are even able to tolerate her. It shows strength of character. I understand people have complicated relationships and maybe I'm simplistic in my ideas but I think the level of insensitivity they are displaying is staggering. It might be time to push back and set some of your own boundaries and expectations in relation to how things should be dealt with. You have a right to have your feelings and should be allowed to express them, they are yours.

WaterFront

geoff · ‎10-10-2021

Hello Puzzlegirl, I have read all the many excellent replies sent back to you and am truly sorry that your husband believes this can happen, and because of this your marriage can't survive, your husband can't expect that he can have this type of affair and for the two of you to live under the same roof, the trust has been broken.

Sometimes the belief of our spouse, on this occasion, breaks the marriage vows in every possible way, and even if he stopped, he can never be trusted again, because every time he looks at another person, the doubt would come into effect, as disappointed as you are.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that he should be told to leave and live elsewhere, as much as this hurts you, as there are so many other factors involved here.

It certainly is heart breaking and you have all my sympathy.

Geoff.

puzzlegirl · ‎10-10-2021

Thanks Geoff and waterfront.
geoff, your thoughts on the ‘belief of the spouse’- wow! It is THIS that has broken our marriage vows. Because of her, he has become a brand new man, of her making. There’s no coming back from this. After 20 years, I have become his nothing, and she has become his everything. I can’t turn the tide on that. And the more he sides with her, disrespects me, and demonstrates he is done with me, the more I just need to let him go. ‘Be warm and well fed, and enjoy her bed’. Sounds simple. I just guess I need to work through that ‘gap’ where I know what needs to happen practically, and navigate the hurt as it comes. Thanks waterfront, I have been feeling crazy like I’m not entitled to my feelings, I just guess I need to learn to express them respectfully otherwise I’m as bad as they are.

I look forward to waking up one day and NOT feeling like I’m stepping into a nightmare- every day it’s heavy on me. Maybe this is my biggest indicator that this is well and truly over, despite his ‘maybe we’re not’ approach.

Thanks so much.

Guest_1643 · ‎10-10-2021

Hi puzzle girl,

It sounds to me like u are interested or open to saving the marriage, and this might be used against you.

If you were kind to your husbands special friend, that would be really weird. U owe her nothing.

Guest_1643 · ‎10-10-2021

Hi puzzlegirl, just reread from the beginning. I think anything Ur husband is saying urgently is not necessarily because of you, or her, or anything. It sounds like he's admitted he's wanted to do something awful to jeopardise Ur relationship over a year ago. Take him at his word on this. He ,as say later that he warned you and told you. Sometimes we want to look away in the hope that our guess or wrost fear may not be true, but when someone makes such a statement, I think they are letting us know who they are. What could your life look like if u left? Where would u live? Who would support t you as friends or a good support system? I think that could be a helpful focus for you now, to prepare to make sure you are safe and OK, if he tries to leave abruptly.

puzzlegirl · ‎10-10-2021

Oooh so much truth here. You are right, and I think I have been coming to a slow realisation that my husband is this person. I've been blindsided by it, I have known him for almost half my life (22 years). I so much want him to be the person I once knew, or perhaps even the person I blindly still think (or wish?!) he was. But he is this person. He is a stranger to me- no longer intimate with me, but intimate with another woman. That is a freaking big pill to swallow. And I guess I can't change this new person he has become- someone else has already beat me to that. He likes who he is, he likes what he likes, and none of those things include me anymore. It's all about her. Honestly, I do hope that he finds happiness, it sucks to be the one constantly told that I'm the reason he is unhappy. Why not wish another person well? I'm almost at the place where I wish him well with my blessing, because it would also mean freedom from the difficulties experienced by staying with him. Where would I be if we split? A happier person!! I'd be free. I'd be immeasurably heartbroken, but perhaps that's better than living with this toxicity. Still, it is too overwhelming to think about. I still wish I could wake up tomorrow and know that this was all a nightmare and that it's over and that we are back to the good that we once were.

quirkywords · ‎10-10-2021

PUzzlegirl

I have just read all the posts and all the supportive replies. You have been honest and open in sharing the details of your marriage.

The only thing I have learnt and that you mentioned too is that you cant change other people you can only change yourself. I was in a relationship once where I changed so much to hopefully see my partner react differently . In the end I became a person I didnt like, always excusing his behaviour .

It is overwhelming and I have deep respect for you and am sorry fo what you have to go through.

Only you will know what you want to do and what is best.

Please be kind to yourself.

Dadmeister · ‎12-10-2021

Hey Puzzlegirl, As previously mentioned my situation is pretty much a replica of yours. Its none of my business whether you have kids or not, but I decided to remain calm as possible through my wife's affair as we have 3 amazing daughers together who still need both our love and support. For now since this all unfolded we still live under the same roof and she still sees her new man but when at home we play happy families for the sake of the kids. Over time we will do our best to work out an amicable separation but front of mind is the fact that we will be tied together for the rest of our lives because of our daughters. I am in no rush to rebound or start a relationship so I am happy just being present for my girls and being the best father possible. I really hope you have something in your life whether its children, friends, hobbies, studies etc that can keep you grounded during your upcoming challenges.