feeling numb and disconnected

[Chicflutterby]

Hi all,

I have never really been depressed or suffered from anxiety etc. Lately, however, I feel completely numb. If my husband and stepdaughter walked out of my life, I don't think I would feel anything. I love them but I feel separate from them.

I recently got married. I was stressed out by the wedding. Things were going wrong. We got a notice to leave just before the wedding which caused stress. Husband-to-be got into a fight with his adult son. He and his girlfriend decided to not come to our wedding and sent some disgusting messages to me saying husband was living a double life, felt trapped into marrying me etc. I asked my husband if he loved me and wanted to get married. His response was that he shouldn't have to tell me. But I really needed to hear it. The wedding was a disaster (I didn't feel loved or wanted and to this day wish I had not gotten married). Then after the wedding we had to move. Husband is now smoking weed inside our new house and has all his mates coming over all the time to smoke with him. I hate my home. I hate coming home to the smoking in my house. Husband only works a few hours a day and I have to work 10 to 12hrs a day to pay our bills. Husbands income doesn't cover his bills. I don't know what he does in the 1/2 day each day he doesn't work. Husband says he loves me but I don't really believe him. Since the wedding we not only moved, but I resigned from my job and have a new one to move to. We bought a new home (which my money paid the deposit on) so we have to move again. Husband and I fight all the time. He doesn't care if we are fighting, if he wants sex he thinks he should get it and will put a lot of pressure on me. I give in, I feel nothing. 4 months after the wedding I feel like I am not living my life but a bystander. I don't really feel anything. I don't really care what happens anymore. I feel like if he wants things that bad he can just have them. whether that's my body or my money or using me to babysit his daughter so he can do what he wants or using my body. I feel disassociated and not connected to anyone or my life. I think its just all the stress. Moving, getting married, buying a home and changing jobs. but I also just feel like I want to walk out of my life and never look back. Is there anyway to fix the numbness?

[GoodWitch]

Hi Chicflutterby

I started to respond to this yesterday but had to get back to work and couldn't finish. I've been thinking about your post though and wanted to say a couple of things.

I'm sorry your wedding went badly. There can be a big crash to earth after a wedding bc I think sometimes we build it up in our head as this beautiful thing that will pan out like it appears to in magazines and movies. Not saying that's what you did, but there is a lot of expectation around weddings, and I know that I felt let down after mine for various reasons, like a bridesmaid that wasn't very involved, passive aggressive relatives, even the wrong flowers being delivered seemed like a huge deal! No day goes perfectly, and what counts ultimately is the marriage.

So about that: a marriage involves compromise and negotiation. It's really not okay for your hub to invite friends over to smoke weed if you don't want him/them doing that in the house. You're allowed to set that boundary. Also you are the primary breadwinner so he must be spending a portion of that money you are earning to buy the drugs. This is not respectful to you. It's a big problem if you've asked him to stop and he won't.

Do you think he will listen if you talk to him about how upset it makes you? About how you don't feel comfortable in your own home? Will he go to a counsellor with you if you ask?

I also want to say the giving in to having sex thing is a huge issue, I know from experience. You might think you can switch off and just do it to keep the peace, but it catches up with you eventually. I know it is hard. My hub was the same, no matter what else was going on he just thought he was going to get sex anyway and I gave in bc at the time it was easier and I was tired. Now I don't even know who I am sexually anymore. I don't want that for you. Your body is yours, it does not belong to your husband. Try to remember you have every right to say no, and if you can articulate why you don't want sex (no doubt the weed/money situation would turn most wives off) that's best. He may not understand or accept it but at least you'll have said your piece and feel better for it.

Running out of characters, but I wanted to make sure you knew someone read and identified with your post. I hope you post back again. I understand the numb feeling, the not caring. You can move out of it with help.

Best - GW

[Chicflutterby]

Hi GW,

Thank you for replying. I am seeing someone at RA. I haven't been for a few months and things have certainly escalated since the last time I went. I tried talking to husband but he doesn't validate my feelings. He just says things like, yes I know I'm a scumbag (and worse) but somehow that really isn't helpful. He doesn't address or solve any issues. The wedding was bad because hubby decided to spend the night outside of the reception smoking with his mates. I was alone the whole night. Hubby has no understanding of how I feel about anything. We fight, things get bad, nothing is resolved, I stop talking to him and retreat. The next morning he acts like nothing ever happened and we are all fine. This is doing my head in. Hubby is going to a 'Man Up' group and apparently he is supposed to be seeing someone at RA too (soon) and he will say he's trying to change. He feels that should mean he's forgiven for everything he done in the past, even the unresolved stuff. I am really beginning to feel like I just can't win. There is no way out. I have to live in this hell forever.

CF

[GoodWitch]

CF

I'm sorry to hear you sounding so down. It's good that you are seeing someone, keep doing that if you can and be as honest with your counsellor as possible. Sometimes saying things out loud makes you face them in a way you can't if you keep the words locked inside.

It sounds honestly like your hub might have a dependency on the weed. People say it's not addictive but I've known plenty of people who let it take over their lives and so that's just as bad as any addiction IMO. I'm nodding along to a lot of the other stuff you've said, about your hub not acknowledging/understanding your feelings, pretending things are ok when they're not...it is frustrating because after a while you start to wonder if you're the crazy one. You're not crazy to have feelings and want them acknowledged. Him admitting he's being a jerk isn't any use to you unless he's willing to do something to change it.

But him going to RA and Man Up seems like a very good step in the right direction for him. I hope he follows through.

You mention a stepdaughter but it doesn't sound like you have children with this man. If you don't, and you are not reliant on him financially, can I ask why you feel so trapped in the relationship? That there's no way out? Has your hub threatened dire consequences if you leave? Or do you feel that you made your bed now and just have to lie in it? If it's the latter...you really don't. That's an old saying my mother always used but nobody should have to stick in a relationship that hurts them because they said vows.

I'm saying all this because I'm concerned about your last words, about being stuck in hell you can't get out of. Maybe your hub really will start doing the work on himself he needs to, and the situation won't seem so hellish. Or if he doesn't and things don't improve, there are choices you can make that are for your betterment, one of those might be to leave. What do you think about that? Is it something you've considered?

Do you have any other hobbies or interests, friends outside the relationship you can feel connected to? Someone you can rely on for support?

Wishing you strength,

GW