Family & the guilt of breaking it

[Family2026]

Hi everyone, 

im at a loss of what to do, I feel like i need & want to end my nearly 10 year relationship / 3 year marriage, we have more than 1 child. My fear is that I will be in a foreign country that I can not currently work due to my children’s health & I can not get any government assistance. My family support is all in another country I want to move back to but I don’t think my husband will let our children leave with me. I feel out of options staying is effecting my mental health and my children’s as well but they love their dad & would hate for us to break up but I feel physically and emotionally drained. Is there any advice on how to go about this situation? I feel when the time comes and I  mention separation & moving he is going to become very difficult to come to understanding my reasonings and I am not in the position to obtain a lawyer. 

has one one else gone through anything like this?

[Croix]

Dear Family2026~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Support Forum. You sound as if you have no action you can take and are physically and emotionally drained yet need to break off your relationship.

I guess in order to give you more than general advice may I ask why you feel this way, is it perhaps because of the way you are treated, either by your huband or something else?

Being with children and no assistance or support or abiity to work in a foreign country is a very scary thing.

Can you think of any remedy the might allow you to stay? do you think it is something where family counseling might help?

You imply you wish to take the children with you back to the country that will support you , this is a very big legal matter and I would not be surprised if you are correct and your husband would object.

In general as I'm guessing at the issue so I'd suggest you consider the following:

Firstly, whatever happens see a GP and explain how you feel. Your feelings and your circumstances that lead you to being emotionally and physically drained to the extent you want to separate.. The GP may be able to help you cope, or refer you to someone who can.

Secondly find out your exact legal position - whether you take matter further or not. I can suggest Women's Legal Services who do not charge and are familiar with family matters. They have a branch in each state

Thirdly in any case have a discussion with one of our councilors  (available 24/7) who may give you advice and may even know of a migrant service that can help.

If you would like to come back and say more that would be great

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Family2026~

I did pop down some suggestions, and as they were a guess as to your circumstances and feelings may have been way of track, if so please tell me so I can offer whatever  expereince I've had that is closer

Croix

[Family2026]

Hi Croix, 

I guess part of it is how I am treated, the behaviours and poor choices my husband makes at times, the lack of support and understanding and just drained of it always being his way without being able to reason.  If he was to think the sky is pink then it is pink and no one can change his mind. 

Myself and my children have therapy but my husband is very against it for himself or for us as a couple. 

I am worried that if I am in the country he will object and I will be under his control still as it’s like he knows I’m stuck here even now and he knows that I am easy to wear down when I am so mentally exhausted.

i am so worried I will be stuck in this country with no support for months or years waiting to come to some agreement over the children and in that time I feel like it would be even more unsettling for our children. 

i will be contacting some legal advice very soon as I would like to know my options and how to go about this better 

[Ggrand]

Dear Family 2026…

I did a google search….about one parent taking their children out of the country without the other parent’s permission and it’s not allowed….maybe contact Legal Aide (a free legal service) so you can ask about all this….

I stayed with my abusive husband because 1..I was afraid, more like terrified  to leave him (consequences) , 2..my children loved their father and I didn’t want to take their dad away from them…BUT the guilt I feel still today around their upbringing is still tormenting me….They endured violence and saw a lot of abuse directed at me….Husband has passed 13 years ago, my children are adults now, with children of their own, not long after he passed they both asked the same question….why didn’t you leave him and take me with you….I realised then, that even though they loved their father, they also loved me and constantly worried about the abuse they witnessed and often received…I thank God every day, that they grew up to be caring, kind and loving men…

I think the question you should ask yourself is….Is the life I’m living now…the life I want for the rest of my life?..Today their is so much help for women who live an abused or a controlled life with their husband…that they have a choice for a better life….I feel that if you move to another country, that you will be stuck their, unable to be able to move you and your children out of that country…Please contact Legal Aide to get all your options, before you make a decision to move to another country…

I can understand your words about a pink sky…my husband was the same…never wrong, always right and if I didn’t agree with him…I was stupid according to him…

My kindest thoughts and care…

Grandy..

[Croix]

Dear Family 2026~

Grandy has given you a lovely reply and pointed out among other things that staying because of the children is not always the best course, most kids are smart enough ot see what is happening and how their mum is being treated.

It is no coincidence that both Grandy and I feel your wises course is to see exactly what options you have, and I'm glad you are going to seek legal assistance for that . Both the organizations mentioned are good ones.

When one is worn down and tired over a long period of time it might be easy to blame oneself for not disagreeing and going along with what you husband wants. It really is a mistake to judge yourself as if you were in normal circumstances because you are not. Judging that way just sets you up to be a failure, when in fact you are persevering and seeking the best thing to do - exactly right.

We are here for you

Croix