Why doesn’t my dad love me

[Guest302]

I seriously never thought that this is something I would do, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to. To start with, my parents had me and my brother when they were really young, didn’t get married until they had me. Note-my parents lived up in Austria and I was born there. When I was little, I never really noticed anything wrong with my family but know I can’t notice anything right. My dad was a big time alcoholic and  druggie I didn’t know it back then but he was always doped up on something. I have memories of walking in on him smoking weed and he may have also been selling it. Over the years he would live with us and then move away back to Austria again. Then for 5 years straight he lived with us. That’s when I grew up enough to understand everything. My parents would fight everyday, glasses would be thrown, hundreds spent on smokes, beer and drugs. It never really effected me but now I know I’ve had been shutting me out. It’s been 2 years since he left for good, 2 years since I’ve spoken to him. 2 years of no childcare and 2 years of going completely broke. And for all this time I’ve never really felt it you know, I’ve never felt it dawn upon me that my own dad has never actually loved me. And how every time I thought he was being a good parent he was actually doped up on drugs. I don’t know if it’s teen hormones but all of a sudden such a large emotional toll has fallen on me. Because I have no one to talk to. No one to ask why doesn’t my dad love me why doesn’t he want to live in the same continent as me. I’ve had to hold up my mum and brother who keep breaking down, clean, cook, hold them when they cry. I’m the youngest mind you. I just idk I’m ranting but I just want to know, is there something I could have done. Could I have prevented it. Does he actually love me, will my mum leave next or my brother, am I too clingy now, to desperate to get attention and stick my claws in someone so that they don’t leave me. Thanks if you read all the way through, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to end it and I probably left stuff out but I’m tired and needed someone anyone to listen. Thankyou - am I alone

[randomxx]

Hey there op , and l'm really sorry about how your feeling and everything that happened along the way.

l think he probably does love you though and the fact it shows a little when he's doped up or whatever , prob proves it. Parents, especially under whatever influence constantly , we can lose ourselves to and completely forget or just not even realize, especially if he's half out there all the time, that we've been so neglectful or unloving. l know there was a stint for me where l was just so stressed and so overwhelmed with work and and our housing stresses for a few yrs back there, l just completely neglected my family, d and w, but l didn't even realize it. l wasn't drunk or drugged up, just let the stress over take me without realizing it . l was a b of a dad for a few yrs there and had let it all completely over take me and the real important real things in life and family yaknow.

l'd imagine with drugs and booze, this could go on and on and he probably has been so self absorbed it sounds mad but he might not even know how he's been and completely lost sight of it. You sound like a pretty amazing daughter though and if he ever gets off all this crap one day he's going to realize and remember you and that again.

l'm sorry l can't help more but hopefully some others will drop in and have ideas. 

You take care of yourself hey.

rx

[blues23]

Hi guest 302

as per my own experience with my dad which our relationship is complex nothing to do with drugs or alcohol more so I guess it could be named as using me for his own benefit. As a bandaid for his life I guess I don’t know if my dad loves  me either I have doubts he’s told me in the past I wasn’t his kid ( this was during him getting mad at me for asking him to stop doing something, he’s also threatened to cut me out of his will numerous times because I won’t do what he wants which is visit my mother ) he’s also betrayed my trust and I haven’t spoken to him or seen him since despite sending him cards ect I’m kinda at the point of not bothering anymore . at the end of the day I think you should try love yourself ,try not to base your worth on someone who isn’t able to make you feel worthy ,you have to remember your own worth and the great things you have done to be there for your family and others and remember who you are out side of them have your own identity as such and also remember your family and their choices and behaviours are theirs ,  you can’t change them or make it different or be different or anything, you can’t make them behave how u want them to or love u the way u love them . It’s a hard road to acceptance of your family you can still love them and be there for them but also if it causes you pain it might be a good idea to take some space from them if their behaviour makes you feel bad about yourself. Or blame yourself for their behaviour, and no you couldn’t have prevented it , it is their choice you can only accept it and find your own peace or path . It takes time , therapy, learning to be strong by yourself, to be ok and happy by yourself . The right person will come into your life and make you feel valued up until that time try to  invest in healing yourself and creating your own happiness . I constantly remind myself I am not responsible for my dads actions or behaviours he’s an adult  and is responsible for for his own actions. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt it does but with therapy I’ve been trying to to learn to accept it for what it is. You may have the same thing happen it takes a lot of self care  ,doing what you enjoy ,finding peace in being alone and finding hobbies to keep your mind occupied and eventually you stop hurting ( big events like Xmas bdays ect still hurt and bring on more emotions but I still send a card even though I know I won’t get one back . I’m kinda however at the stage of creating a memory box where I’ll put these cards into without posting them to my dad should he choose to return I’ll give them to him it will bring me peace and comfort to do these things for myself. And I think that’s a good place to start is to start creating your own happiness and peace. 

[Shell4]

Hi, just wanted you know that your voice is heard. I am listening. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time when you're questioning so much, especially when it comes to your relationship with your dad.

It was just a few days ago when I heard the most brilliant explanation or definition of love. While everyone finds their own unique definition, this one really resonated with me and helped explain so much about some of the relationships in my life. What this person said was along the lines of 'Love itself is a channel, between one person and another. When you are feeling love you are feeling that channel or connection and what runs through it. If an enormous amount of stuff runs through it, you will feel the fullness of love. If not a lot runs through it, it will feel like a weak or empty sort of connection'. 

If this becomes our take on love, then the questions could be

• What can I feel running through this channel or connection?
• What can I not feel running through it?
• What's leading to a lack of something running through it? For example, what's leading to a lack of devotion running from that person to me? What's getting in the way or why hasn't that person developed devotion, enough for me to feel?
• Does it feel like a one way channel, where I'm sending so much through it yet can't feel all that much coming back?

So many questions, too many to imagine.

I think some people don't know how to fill that channel or what exactly to send through it. Other people can be so lacking in consciousness, in regard to the need to fill it. Whether that lack of awareness comes from no education or it comes from drugs or alcohol, altering their states of consciousness, a lot can depend on the reason. Others may have intentionally blocked that channel or connection, due to pain and abuse from the past. In other words 'When that person who tries to love me withdraws their connection, I will not feel the pain of that disconnection while making sure it was not there to begin with'.

Not sure if you're feeling the need to now define love itself. As a 56yo gal, I felt that need a handful of years back, based on suffering through a lack of feeling it when it came to certain people. It literally took me decades to feel the need to define it. I think being able to define what it is, in our mind, and what it means to us is the first step toward understanding our sufferance. It can also help to know what we want or need running through that connection towards us. A sense of devotion, a willingness to listen, moments of laughter, a willingness for others to wonder with us at times (especially when we're wondering what our sufferance is about) etc etc. I believe it's a liberating revelation when what comes to mind is 'It was never my fault, that another could not fill that channel in the ways I needed them to'.❤️

[Damian]

1. Questioning yourself suggests you're a good person who puts others first. Sometimes we have to just let go of loved ones who don't or can't return the love and connection, then remind ourselves that it's not through anything we have or haven't done.