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Extremely difficult break up with Zero friends to help me through this..

ht2216
Community Member

E and I met when we were 14 years old and became very close friends (we're now in our mid-20s). As we grew older and were in serious relationships, we became distant as we spent more time with out partners. 4 years later, E and I grew closer as he we opened up about our physically, mentally and emotionally abusive partners. E and I were each other's only support. The closer we got, the more our feelings for each other showed. We began to realise that we were in love. We cheated on our partners for a few months before they figured us out. E and I stayed together, but we lost all our friends. 

Since then, for the past 4 years, we lived together and have only had each other - no other friends. I did my best to keep him happy with me but I started to feel over the past year that he stopped trying for me. When I've tried to talk to him about any problems he never wanted to discuss them and it would turn into a s**tfight with him shoving me around, yelling at me, telling me I'm an annoying b*tch, spoiled brat, think I'm better than everyone, controlling, always interrogating, I've ruined his life, he's lost everything because of me, that he's chosen the wrong person to be with, I'm worthless and useless, that he doesn't need or want me.. I've asked him not to speak to me like that and explained to him what it does to me inside. He's told me he still loves me only to do it again next time we fight, and it's so hurtful that I've stared to believe it.

He's made new friends at work who he now goes out with a lot. I'm glad that he has friends, but in the past when I've suggested we should go out for dinner/lunch or watch a movie, he's tired or has no money. I couldn't take it anymore and left him. 

Now I'm alone because I don't have him around. He was my only friend. I have no friends to talk to or go out with. I don't drive so I can't do things to keep occupied. There's no one to give me advice or reassurance. I sit at home alone crying every day, knowing that he has friends to talk to now and probably making me look like the bad guy. I've been staying back to work each day for and extra 4-5 hours without getting paid, just so that I don't have to be alone. My workmates tell me to go home but I tell them I'm behind on work. I don't look forward to anything and have nothing to work for anymore. I don't get hungry so I've lost 5kg in the last 10 days. I don't mean anything to anyone now. I'm nothing. I have no one. I just don't know what to do since I have nobody.

5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi ht welcome

They say "charity begins at home" meaning in your case- looking after yourself. This means stop working extra time at work when you could be doing other things to divert your thoughts- hobbies, sports, just walking.

While some females can infuriate men enormously...there is no excuse for physical shoving. For this reason alone you might be far better off out of his life.

It's time for you to take steps towards a new life. Join a volleyball team?, badminton? line dancing? sewing group, whatever is your flavour. It takes tenacity to start up again but you have to make an effort. For me, I built a house with my own hands but it would be difficult for many. What that did was divert my attention from those issues of my ex wife. Keep busy!

Tony WK

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi HT

Paul here and thanks for having the courage to post

Tony WK is spot on here...being busy in your circumstances is the right way to go..it can be a great way to 'heal'

Just my humble opinion here if I may Ht...It may have been great to have your ex as someone you can talk and vent to...but after reading about him calling you an annoying b**** and you being shoved around is just not on!

You deserve so much better ht.....seriously

I do hope you can start creating your own great memories from now on. Just my opinion but as well as Tony WK's advice...use your mobile phone even as a start...

You mean something to us nt....we are here if you need us...It would be great to hear from you if you wish

Kind Thoughts

Paul

ht2216
Community Member

Hi guys, thank you so much for your responses. I find it relieving that even though I have no one to physically talk to or be around, there are still people out there to hear me out.

I do agree with the both of you that shoving and name-calling is never acceptable and I need to keep busy.

I feel that I have put up with the name-calling and shoving because I told myself that it's only temporary and that he'd get over it, before it happened too many times that I started to believe that that's what I deserve. I should done something a long time ago but as many may know, it's easier said than done, especially when you have no one to turn to in a time of need.

Keeping myself occupied is something I struggle with when I'm not at work. I love my job and have just been promoted so I've been using that as the only way to keep myself busy and working back the extra hours. On the outside I do appear to be an outgoing and social person who easily gets on with others, which is why I don't want my work colleagues to know that I have no friends. I used to enjoy things when I had friends to do them with but because all I've done is work and go home to my partner for the past 4 years, I've forgotten what I used to like. I've tried to think of things that I might like but I can't seem to find anything that interests me.

I must admit that the both of us doing shiftwork took a lot out of us so we would go home tired and very irritable. We had barely any time to spend together to do what couples do, and we were irritable so even the wrong word would start a fight.

I know that it takes two, but I can't help but feel that I was mostly the problem. I was insecure. After his breakup with his ex she would still call him constantly, and I was there almost every single time she called. I told him how uncomfortable this made me, but he didn't see an issue with it and this made me feel like he didn't care how I felt and that I wasn't enough. I was too dependent on him, so I found it difficult to accept that he has friends he can go out with away from me, while I was left on my own to dwell on our problems. Even though our relationship was fading he told me he still wanted to be with me and cared about me. He did make efforts (bringing me lunch at work, buying me flowers once), but it still wasn't enough for me.

He still tells me he loves me and wants to fix it but wants space. I believe him but I keep telling myself I shouldn't have to wait until he's ready. I waited long enough.

Hey ht

Thanks for your response and speaking from your strong heart too

You are right ht, it is easily said (our advice) and difficult to snap your fingers and make anything happen.

If I may ask you ht...with respect of course...You are separated and want your BF back..is that roughly accurate?

Its only my humble opinion ht..but when a guy says they need 'space' they may mean they want separation. Im a guy...I understand his 'language'...

Once again ht its just my opinion but I do agree with your last sentence which I will paste for you...out of courtesy......"I believe him but I keep telling myself I shouldn't have to wait until he's ready. I waited long enough"

Unless I have everything wrong..I believe you have spoken that last sentence very well....

You come first here ht....I have never 'shoved'...or 'pushed' a girlfriend...ever!

If 'he' really wants you as in heart and soul...he would never need any 'space'...thats just guy speak.

I am sorry if that is too blunt ht...just trying to help 🙂

Paul

 

Dear HT

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you found this web site and had the courage to tell us your story. I hope we can provide some support for you.

I wonder if the BF is regretting leaving his former partner. Accepting her frequent calls indicates he has a great regard for her. Did your ex ever try to contact you?

One of the big problems for couples who only have each other is that one or both become totally dependent on the other. It sounds as though you were dependent on him for everything and in the process lost sight of your own identity. Loving someone is fantastic, but being their only support is a huge load to carry. I wonder if this is why your BF has moved away. I understand you when you say "I did my best to keep him happy with me" but people need others in their life. He may have started to feel smothered.

Well whatever the reason, it seems your relationship is over and you need to find a new life. Tony has suggested joining a club, find a hobby, do something you like just for yourself. What sort of things do you like? Make a list and then see what is available in your area. One major skill to learn is to drive. This will give you so much confidence in yourself and being able to go where you like is great. Learning to drive was one of the best things I ever did.

Why not ask one or two of your colleagues to go for a coffee or drink at the local watering hole. No need to say you are on your own or lonely. Just make a casual suggestion. You may be surprised that others will be happy to meet after work and chat. And that could lead to further social outings and friendships. You've got nothing to lose. I know it will take some courage but you found courage to write in here, so give it a go.

Just a few suggestions. Would love to know how you go.

Mary