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my husband needs help

charlotteB
Community Member

Hi.

I guess that i am new to this whole situation in many ways. I have had depression since I was 17, I'm on medication and speak regularly to a counsellor. 


I've been doing ok but lately its my husband. He had been out of work for two months over the christmas period, he didnt try to get another job.  All he did was sit at home, get angry at our kids, yell at me and generally just mope around the house.

It got to a point where the bills were stacking up, I have no job as I look after 3 kids under 5 years so my contributions to our bills are minimal. We got a reposession notice for our car and numerous calls about late payments on the bills. 

He blamed me for it all.  This made me feel worse as for christmas my children got nothing. My younger unemployed sister bought groceries for us and i had never felt so terrible in my life.

My husband just kept on doing nothing except be angry. Things got to a point a few weeks ago, when an argument turned into me and my kids hiding in the bathroom while calling the police. He had gotten so angry that he started to shake me and wouldnt let me go that I had to headbutt him in order to get away. Im on blood thinners, so this wasnt the best option but i did it in self defence. Needless to say, police came and I apparently was in the wrong. I had to leave my home with my children (5, 3 and 10 weeks old) I also had to go to court for it, even though he told police he was shaking me first.

I have never been so embaressed in my life. Im heartbroken as I left a DV relationship before i met my husband 5 years ago. He was my rock when I was going through the legal system back then to get custody of my 5 year old.

Now, all I want to do is stay in bed. Hubby moved out two weeks ago and wants to come back, but i cant let him. Partly because he's traumatised me and secondly because I feel he needs help. Hes clearly angry, and depressed but he cant see it. I told him that if he got proper help and started helping himself i would reconsider, but the longer he isnt around the happier i am. My kids are happier. Its like a dark cloud is gone. I feel bad for feeling like this but i cant help it. 

Im using this time to reassess my life but i dont want to feel bad about the possibility of moving forward without him. Im still in the mindset that a leopard never changes his spots and i think now our marriage might be over for good.

4 Replies 4

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Charlotte and welcome to the forum. I admire your courage hun - it can't have been easy to post that.

I also admire your strength and straight thinking about your husband. Yes, he needs help, but he is the only one that can make that happen and while ever he is in denial about it he will not improve.

You have done entirely the right thing in my mind. You have taken action early to break what could (and often does) become a cycle of abuse. Depression of itself doesn't cause someone to be violent and it certainly doesn't excuse it. Putting the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your children first is exactly the right thing to do. Don't let him back hun. You need to sort your feelings out before you have any more contact with him in my opinion.

You can move forward from this, and I admire that you are using the time now to reassess. Think of a positive future for you and the kids. Picture what it might hold for you, how it might be, what you might do together and how it will feel to be a loving little family group without fear. Hold those thoughts hun and stay strong. You and your little ones deserve a safe and happy life.

Materially it will be hard, I know, but there are systems to support you. When you're ready call Centrelink or look at their website and see what financial assistance is available. That can include things like housing assistance as well as income support.

I know you are probably feeling embarrassed or ashamed but know that you have done nothing wrong - quite the opposite - and you have no reason to hide this. If you have friends or family who can help you - ask and accept any kindness offered. You need not feel alone with this. There might also be domestic violence support groups or advisory services near you - when you're ready get Googling. Often the best way to turn around how you feel when something truly awful has happened is to make yourself take some kind of action, research your options for finding assistance.

I hope you will come back to us Charlotte - there are others here who have been through similar situations who might have more practical advice. Meanwhile, know that you have support here, and I think you are a fine strong woman - well done in making yourself and you kids safe.

Best wishes to you

Kaz

xxx

Neil_1
Community Member

Dear Charlotte

 

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for providing your post.

 

I really don’t have a lot to add, as Kazz’s post to you was brilliant and I would like to add my support to what Kazz wrote.

 

What you’ve been able to achieve in this last couple of weeks or so has been huge.  For hubby to be now not there, must be a major load off – as Kazz said, not having to live in fear and be worried about your own and your children’s safety, must be a huge relief.  And you nailed it yourself when you said, “I’m happier and my kids are happier”.  That says it all there.

 

No-one should ever have to live in fear or be concerned with their safety and so I want to emphasise the point that you should not feel bad about this – this was a massive step forward for you to take and you took it.  I’ve been on this site for a fair number of years now and have encountered so many different people posting in your situation or similar and not all have had the strength and courage to be able to make that move.  I really do hope you’re able to know how amazing this has been of you to be able to do this.

 

Stay strong … and as Kazz suggested also, please do write back, we’d love to hear from you again.

 

Kind regards

 

Neil

charlotteB
Community Member

Hi Kazz and Neil

Thank you for your reply. It certainly hasnt been easy to reach out in a person to person way, I know I shouldnt be embaressed about my situation but some parts of me make it incredibly hard.

 I've told my husband many times over the last 12 months that the only person that can help him is himself, he needs to want to help himself. I truly believe now he knows how serious I am about it. 

He says he doesnt know anyone where we live. I wish i could say we moved interstate recently but we moved interstate over 2 years ago so I could be closer to my family instead of his (thats a completely different issue i have with his family - his mum is very mean towards me) 

I introduced him to my friends and their partners, but somehow he screwed up every possible friendship he could have with them. I dont know why he sabbotaged those possible relationships.

Ive been in contact with Centrelink, so I have taken those financial steps. I was going to make an appointment with the womens center here, but my pride got in the way. I know there are hundreds of other people so much more worse off that what I am. And i cant bring myself to go there. Maybe im scared? 

My 5 year old asked me when daddy was coming home the other day. I told her the equivalent of a truthful white lie. I said, he was at work-not a lie as he went to work two weeks ago and that he would be away for a while. She then asked me why i dont love him like she does and it broke my heart. I didnt know what to say. My 5 year olds biological dad lives in a different state and she think of my husband as her dad. 

 i never thought that i would be alone with 3 kids. I always thought hubby would pull himself together, how can i make him see that if he doesnt correct his behaviour he will lose his family?

pipsy
Community Member

Hi charlotte.  I can't really add much more to what Kazzl and Neil have said, except to say when your 5 year old asks you why you don't love daddy as she does, tell her you do love daddy and you always will.  Tell her, her daddy's sick and needs help.  Tell her you're trying to help daddy, but sometimes the help he needs is something you can't give.  Be sure to reinforce how much her daddy loves her.  Your kids do need to understand none of what happened is their fault, and their daddy loves them.  What happened is between you and him, nothing to do with them.  This is important for them.  Unfortunately, the only person who can straighten him out, is.......himself.  If he contacts you about seeing the children, tell him yes, supervised visits only.  He won't like or accept this, but for their sake and safety, this is important.  Because children are fairly resilient, once you give them an explanation, they tend to accept.  She may ask you often about daddy, each time she does, tell her you haven't heard from him.  If you only argue each time you talk, your daughter doesn't need to know.  How much do your older children understand?  If the eldest child could help ease the situation by playing with the baby,  this would give you time to figure out what you want.  You need support emotionally as well as financially.  C'link will help financially, there are support groups for single mums, you could also get counselling for yourself through your local church.  Schools, play groups etc would give the kids an outlet to be with other kids too.  Hubby won't go for help until he admits to needing it.  Men can be a bit stubborn when it comes to counselling.  Not all men are stubborn, but when they dig their heels in, they can be extremely mulish. 

Here's hoping things will get better.