Why cant my family accept me and my wife??
Hello. I am in my late 40's, being married over 20 years and have two daughters, 16 and 11. I have always been the "dedicated worker" in the family who was always lending assistance around the home. Now I do the same at home with my wife and kids and my family is envious of my wife. I am old school and I respect my family members to the point I never say any bad words to them. They have always picked on my wife and even threatened her with death messages. I have now broken up any contacts with them as they will always pick on my and my wife. My mum, being the main head of the family does more to add fuel to fire as she also is jealous of my wife. What I fail to comprehend is they hurting my wife is also hurting me and sending me intimidating text messages against her.
My dad left us when I was 15, and I had it hard since that age. I never had a girlfriend and did not leave home until I got married since I was committed to family responsibilities I got married overseas and my family was not there to witness it and they did not know my wife or her family.
My mum lives in social housing, and I have always helped her with bills and provided financial assistance but I don't think she loves me but only wants my help. I did ask her on my birthday to help in mediation process but she totally denied saying it was too hard to do, without offering any assurance of support. It pains me NOT to feel any love from my mother as she had never been any support after our dad left and everything I have today is through our hard work.
I do keep mentioning this to my wife who tells me to get over the fact that they (the family) do not love us or respect us so I don't know how to get over this issue as I don't have friends and work alone at home as well (as a remote office) I am a DIY guy who keeps himself busy with home projects and hobbies and I do my best to give attention to our kids. I also cook and clean the house and maintain the house and lawns. I feel so upset that family can really do this to you. I consider myself a nice guy who will bend over backwards for you. I am also religious and tend to do the right things and not to upset anyone for that matter and I am bad at confrontations so I am an easy target for my family members. I am also the send eldest in the family of 5 siblings.
Any advise would be good.
Hello and welcome to the forum. Family relationships can be difficult. If our friends treat us badly we can always walk away but usually we love our family members so leaving is more difficult.
When your father left you were 15 and at that age were old enough to give substantial help to your mother and also to understand how his leaving affected everyone. So you stepped in and in many ways became the man of the house. Now you have left to live your life with your own family and you are making sure they are taken care of.
So your mom feels that she has been abandoned twice, by your father and by you when you got married. She see you taking care of your family and perhaps has no one to take care of her. I know you help out as much as possible, but this is not the same as being solely concerned with your mom's well being. So probably a great deal of jealousy.
It was the right thing to do, breaking contact with your family when they threatened your wife. I suggest you block all phone and text messages from your family or change your phone number. Similarly block them from your email. It is not acceptable for your family to send such messages to you or anyone. They are well aware they are hurting you. In fact they probably don't care if they upset your wife. You are the target because you left.
Who looks after your mother and does the odd jobs around her home? One or other of your siblings? They probably resent you not being available because it means they need to help. In some ways you are paying the price of being too dedicated to your family and taking over the role of your father.
But whatever the reason, if your family do not want to be reconciled and treat all your family with respect then cutting all contact is probably the best option. Families can hurt each other far more than any other people.
If you are struggling with this may I suggest you have a chat with your GP. They do more than diagnose physical illnesses and I suspect you are getting quite 'down' on this issues. It is really a grief process you are experiencing, the loss of your extended family. So perhaps you GP can find a grief counsellor who can help you
Pleas keep in touch here. I would like to know how you are going.
Thank you for your prompt response to my dilemma. I guess from my perspective, I done my best to commit myself to the family when dad left so I did all in good faith. Now I get this treatment from the family does not make sense to me since I was always nice to them and ready to help whenever I could.
I guess, I will now focus on the positive things in my life such as my kids and my wife. I guess that is life and that we all have our own issues in life but best we can do is stay away from people or family that hurt us. I have realised that family hurts you more then friends. Perhaps I should make more friends or join the gym to keep me motivated as like to keep in shape and love to exercise.
Thank you for your valuable input. Its hard to chat to anyone about issues and I don't like to bother them with my issues ...,must be a "man" thing.
Anyway, as I am working from home and sitting in front of the computer, I will try to focus on positive things every day. I am not keen on going to doctors since I don't like taking any medication at all. I just have to re-program my thinking pattern to look beyond this with a positive attitude.
Thank you once again for your comments, Mary.
I am sorry that life has put you in such a hard place. Enjoying your life with your family is your first priority but it does hurt not to enjoy the family love you once had from your mother and siblings.
Not many of us do enjoy or even want to take medication and I am not suggesting you do this. Having a chat to your GP does not mean you will be given a prescription. It seems to me that you would benefit from chatting to a grief counsellor and it is a whole easier than trying to work it out yourself. Another way of putting it is 'getting it off your chest' and doing this without upsetting your wife and children. Anyway, it is of course up to you.
I wish you well in your future endeavours.