monster in law
I need some advice or point in the right direction on coping/deali g with my monster of a mother inlaw. My husbamd and I have 2 children together and I have 2 from a previous marriage whom my husband has taken on as his own as my ex husband is not on the scene at all. Everything was fine until we had our first child together and suddenly my 2 were not treated as equals by my MIL. My 2nd child was diagnosed on the autism spectrum where she bluntly daid my eldest one had issues and needed to be checked also. Every decision my husband and I have made together she has attacked me for it. Where we have sent the eldest children to school, selling his car that he'd spent years working on and putting in car shows but was not practical for our growing family nor was it affordable to maintain.
We both sold shares to pay for our wedding but selling his was a problem. I work but I do nothing but work my husband to the ground as I apparently contribute nothing to the household. She would come to the home and verbally attack me every chance she got. As a family unit we decided that she cant come to our house due to not being able to be nice and if she wanted to see the kids it was all of them equally or none at all. Now she rings my husband and is constantly at him about me destroying who he is as a person and has started attacking my parenting skills. Regardless of how many times my husband tells her enough is enough she doesnt listen because I am the problem. I dont know what to do anymore. Attending major family functions like engagements and weddings cause me to have major panic attacks and its becoming harfer and harder to remain civil because she tells everyone how i have ruined her sons life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks
Welcome to The BB Forums
Your predicament is a tough one. It is sad to read that your MIL is being the way she is towards you and the resultant anxiety.
I think the decision you made with your MIL not being welcome to visit was a difficult but wise one. It would be in the best interests to you and your family. Common courtesy is free and your MIL unfortunately chose the destructive road of being a negative and critical influence instead of a nurturing one.
I understand your husband is being supportive but I dont see anything productive coming from him answering the phone which seems only to enable your MIL to be even more critical.
You are experiencing anxiety attacks during family functions....meaning you are actually unwell...the same as a physical ailment or illness. There is no difference. Has any thought been given to you taking 'a vacation' from any family functions until you feel better again about going?
It may be time to be 'Gentle' to yourself here Eppi and take some time out for yourself without the family functions. The calls from your MIL can also be strong triggers for having anxiety or its symptoms....Can your husband possibly try to further restrict any more 'attacks' by minimalising incoming calls from his mum?
I have had anxiety for approx 25 years. Now healed. One of the keys to recover that I have learned from my therapy is .....Avoiding overly Critical and Negative people....This is crucial point which will enable you to heal and give you your quality of life back not to mention a happier environment for your wonderful kids.
I do hope some of this has been of help Eppi
Thankyou for having the courage to post
Dear Eppi. From what you're saying MIL (or should that be monster) is not listening to her son when he tells her to back off. Either that or she's only hearing what she thinks he's saying. Obviously she's hearing that son is sticking up for you because he thinks he has to. He isn't, but that's what she's hearing. You've tried everything. To put it bluntly, you have an extremely jealous, insecure MIL. Her marriage couldn't have been very happy, so she put all her hopes and dreams for happiness on her son (your hubby). He's gone and got married, obviously this rocked her so she has to destroy what he has to get back the happiness she thought she had. The only thing you can do (and you and hubby have to agree 100% on this), cease all contact. It'll be hard on hubby, she is his mother, but she has to understand, she has definitely overstepped the boundary. You and hubby have a rock solid relationship, from what you say, MIL is ultra jealous and is trying everything to undermine what you've built. Maybe get hubby to tell her till she behaves and treats you decently, she is no longer part of the family. No doubt she won't take this quietly, but stick to your guns. Is there a FIL, I'm thinking as, I said, maybe MIL had an unhappy marriage, but if there is a FIL, what's his input. If he is supporting her, without knowing the facts, he needs to be put in the picture. If there is no FIL, what was their marriage like? Try not to take on board her ranting to all and sundry about how you've 'ruined' sons life. You and he both know this isn't true, eventually others seeing you together will realize it too. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this, sorry also for your hubby, it can't be easy for him. The only good thing (if you like) is hubby knows she is doing this and supports you 100%.
Hi, thank you. There is a FIL. He has never had a massive amount to say but he is on the same page as the MIL. He knows the facts but allows her to carry on and supports it. Their union I see as suffocating. They literally live out of each others pockets and never do anything separately, not even a trip to the supermarket.I dont know that I could ask my husband to cease all contact regardless of her behaviour solely because it his mother however I would 100% support it if he mentioned it.
Now that you've said it, it really does sound like she wants to destroy our happiness for own pleasure.
Dear Eppi. I doubt your hubby will cease contact either, but the way it's going, if something isn't done soon, more damage will be done. Your in-law's marriage sounds a bit like my ex in-law's. My MIL could say and do what she like with full support from my hubby, her hubby, her daughter. They did everything together too, shopping, watching t.v (the same programs), they put down everything I watched, so I didn't discuss anything with them. If you treated your children as you've been treated, may I ask how they would sort it out with you? I only ask that because sometimes you need to put yourself in the firing line (as it were) to figure out how to solve a difficult problem. Obviously talking to in-laws isn't going to solve the problem. Hubby is also at a loss. I realize you don't want to 'rock the boat' anymore, but ask hubby directly if he has any idea what he wants to do about this problem. You don't need to make his mum out to be the monster, just tell him you feel because it's his mum and you don't want to rock the boat, whatever he decides to do, you'll support it. Make sure, though, that he's fully aware of your feelings. Tell him straight (nicely) that you really don't want to talk with her because you're sick of being made the 'bad guy'. Eventually, I think, he will get fed up with the crap and stop contact.
There's an old saying in-laws a.k.a outlaws. In-laws can be your best friends, cross 'em and they become your worst nightmare.
I wont give you paragraphs....just observations...I have am just going to quote what you said earlier...
"He has never had a massive amount to say but he is on the same page as the MIL"
I had a rough idea this was happening Eppi....I do feel for what you are going through....
I am sorry that your husband is 'stuck' in the middle....Except for one huge point...He is married to you...not his mum. I am sorry to be blunt Eppi but your husband needs a wake up call here. Your MIL should be secondary in his life right now. You and your children are first...then his mum...thats it.
It is only my opinion Eppi but your husband needs a reality check here. I am only thinking about what the priorities are here.
Thankyou for getting back to us
Your FIL maybe too scared to go
Parents and In-Laws have a place in their children's and grandchildren's life, and that is to spoil the grandkids, look after them if and when needed, play with them and buy them ice-creams and especially lollies and not to criticise you.
Your husband has to come on board and protect you and not to accept what mummy says, not unless you both agree, so these are the ground rules, and once someone gets married then there is no favourite child in terms of the IL, sure they could like them more than her other children, but she is not to interfere in how you or your husband run your household.
I hope to hear back from you. Geoff. x