Just need to let it all out.
I am so tired of it all.
I'm currently in bed with Covid and my partner decided it was the right time to blame me for not organising to pay bills. This turned into a huge yelling match and now i can hardly breathe through my congested upset nose
Both he an I are teachers and work the same hours. I've also got a couple of leadership positions as well. I do all the housework. He works outside on his various projects which are important to him but not anyone else.
I need to connect with other women for support because right now I don't know why I am doing any of this.
I’m so sorry about the lack of support your partner is giving you despite being sick with Covid. I sincerely hope you recover soon. I completely sympathize with your situation as my partner is very much the same, I work full-time in quite a stressful role and despite earning more than my partner, he comes home and surveys the house each day and decides whether it is up to his standards or not. Despite conveniently forgetting that I have worked all day and that it’s supposed to be a joint effort. He does help with dinner (because he enjoys cooking) and occasionally picks up the stick vacuum (because it’s easy) but only so he can proclaim to anyone who listens that he “does everything” despite me having to do absolutely everything else. We decided to get a puppy recently and since then I have been saddled with getting up all throughout the night to take the puppy outside, cleaning up every mess, feeding and watering, taking him to the vet, taking him for walks etc. I knew what to expect but I also thought I would get some help at least sometimes, instead I just get “it’s your dog”, which was not the discussion we had at all. I also have to put up with him complaining constantly about every little thing, about how other people have clean houses (everyone I know tells me my house is very tidy but he compares us to to made up people), how much hard work the dog is - I flat out asked him the other day how would he know, he doesn’t do any of it. And if I tell him the things I have done during the day he says “how hard is it” despite making such a huge deal any time I ask him to do something. Not sure what the solution is, I have considered making a roster of all the jobs that need doing and then allocating initials next to them. But it saddens me that it has come to that. Sometimes I wonder if life would just be easier if I only had me to look after
I am sorry you are going through on top of having COVID, it is unfortunate that your partner is unsupportive at this time.
I might be wrong, but I feel like this is common in a lot of households because ahh...the sweet, sweet patriarchal society we live in. A lot of men, especially older, were brought up in households where the female is the primary housekeeper/cleaner/cook etc. etc. and so they have an ingrained view that the female is responsible for these tasks and not them (either an unconscious or conscious view). Considering that the majority of women have only been having their own careers since the 60s, this way of living was not that long ago. Because of the systemic misogyny in our society that is deep-rooted, some men truly unconsciously, or consciously, are under the impression that cleaning is not their responsibility. Heck - the 40 hour work week was created under the presumption that all the husband would do was work and come home, and the stay at home wife would cook, child-rear and clean. Hence it is definitely hard nowadays for both parties to work and clean - sometimes time does not exist. So it has to be a shared effort, essentially. Society still has a long way to go with gender equality, but certainly, it is deep-rooted.
A calm conversation with your partner is essential to tell him how you feel, that you are sick, and you would appreciate some support from him. My partner would not let me lift a finger if i was sick, he would do most things i ask (and that is not much). Keeping a house clean is a job that should be shared between those who live there, especially if both work full time. Do not accuse him of anything, just explain your feelings and communicate with each other.
i hope things improve and i am sorry this happened,
Thanks for your post 🙂
Unfortunately I think it is so ingrained that only hypnotherapy would change the 1950s mindset of these men. Even my mum told the boys to go and play whilst my sister and I did the dishes. So many relationships must perish these days because of this as it is unsustainable for the female.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am always happy to listen 😊 and venting feels good too! Maybe that’s the secret, a good support network of females around us who understand. My partner is only in his late 30s so I’m not sure why he has the 1950s mindset - seems like some are born with it programmed in! I honestly think that is why so many marriages end in divorce now - take someone for granted long enough and they will eventually get sick of it.