Estrangement of parents and their adult children

[white knight]

We must remain general on this issue as all families have different dynamics.

It's been suggested on several social media platforms that this is a trend, that cutting off parents has a more immediate effect than it did a few generations ago. This "trend" is done at times with no reason given often by the adult child and the ramifications can be enormous especially so when grandchildren are in the mix, the grief and loss is unimaginable.

Human communication has likely changed. For a person to cut off a loved one and not explain the reason could be caused by-

• They know they wont get the person to see their side, to listen
• The damage has been too great so discussion wouldnt be successful
• That the "crime" is too impacting to negotiate. 
• That cutting off is used as a weapon to hurt or revenge

The person that is removed would be devastated and its normal to think of yourself in such situations but the person that removed you is also grieving. In fact there's grief with everyone including the grandkids.

What is known is that the adult children are adults and they have the right to remove what they feel is a toxic parent or person. The parent often claims "grandparents have rights" (to grandchild access) of which they dont. This leads me to mention what parents can do, the only way to maximise the chances of reunification.

• Stay away
• no more than one contact yearly eg xmas (in my experience birthday cards can create anger)
• Limit your discussions with outsiders on the topic
• Seek comfort/clarity through therapy
• Expand your activities for distraction and a life
• Try not to include your partner

There is a substantial risk of further resentment if a parent thats been cut off treats their spouse as a team against the child. A spouse can be loyal without involvement and there is a better chance of the family healing with the spouse visiting and keeping up to date with their childs life. This parent could explain how the other parent thinks and reacts. If the spouse is involved more than that eg they choose to be cut off to remain loyal to their partner that means they are acting as a deputy that denies them of their own decisions. They give up their individual judgements and relationships for loyalty. I'm suggesting that isnt always productive. 

We should acknowledge that family division can also be caused by a personality disorder (as in my case) or mental health issues as well as a myriad of common reasons. If its obvious to one party there is something wrong with a person with a destructive attitude and they are in denial, that can result in the "no hope" scenario. The person removed often will declare "I didnt do anything wrong" as their sole defence and not mention at all the discussions for them to seek professional help.

For some it's the end of their world, understandable, seeking therapy even if you believe you are right is an excellent way to seek clarity when clarity is not possible from their silent child. Also, be patient, get an active life and fill in your schedule. If you put pressure/obligation on an adult child thats decided to sever a relationship with you your chances of repairing it is lower.

Thoughts?

TonyWK

[blues23]

I had to cut my father off due to emotional abuse , I love him to death but he does not care about me he once told me I’m not his daughter: he in turn made this insinuating comment about my child too which in turn makes her not his granddaughter . My decision is not easy I sent him birthday cards , a letter explaining why my can’t talk to him anymore simply because he won’t respect my choices he forever has forced me to see my abusive mother with my child so he can have a peaceful life with my mother & if I don’t I get abused , guilted & ostracised,  he went behind my back  without my permission to

tell my mother I had a baby ( well what about my peace ?) … I tried recently to reconnect with my father who has now installed a phone screen app and blocked my number 

I also had to block my sister due to her abusing my child & her abuse of me ,my most recent encounter with her was her calling me spiteful, vicious, abusive and pathetic because I set boundaries with her because of her behaviour to my child & myself and I love her too but her behaviour is unacceptable and I will not tolerate being abused by my family just because they think I’m some sort of door mat . I don’t feel it’s a social trend but maybe people like me who were constantly the giver ,the forgiver , the patient one have had enough of being treated like dirt by people they love . Love sometimes is simply not enough to continue to be in an unhealthy relationship where you are constantly walking on eggshells keeping everyone happy except yourself. 

[white knight]

Hi blues

There's a book called "walking on eggshells " or you can google- queen witch hermit waif (for descriptions)

It might clarify traits in their character that aligns there. We can all do with clarity.

So, yes, sometimes we have to protect ourselves plus we all deserve a peaceful loving life. We should remind ourselves what toxic means and denial from those people doesnt help. Add a sibling to an already severed dad daughter relationship and you must feel like an island

 After I cut of my mother in 2011 she tried her best to take all my cousins, aunties and uncles from me. She passed away last year at 93yo and 5 relatives wont have anything to do with me. The lies like I only wanted her money were smokescreens. 

She was all 4 characters, my guess as she was in denial. I had to conclude it was her problem, as you have.

Only then can we cuddle our kids and move on without them.

3 years ago my sister did similar acts as my mother did. Same as you, I had to move on. 

"Everyone can draw a line in the sand... cement if they need"

TonyWK 

[blues23]

I’m sorry you had the same as me , yes  I’m a island but I’m kinda ok with it I’m sad too but it doesn’t consume me much  any more shocked at how my family actually views me as  it’s kinda sad as I’ve always been kind to them forgiving ,waiting for u know for  them to be kind to me but it’s always with strings attached  always unless I behave to their liking or under their control My sister has done the same removed my nephews ( my daughters cousins) no doubt poisoned them against  me & my daughter , she has further wedged herself in between my father & I’s problems by putting phone screening apps so I can’t contact him ( I know for a fact it was her as he’s a very old man and no idea about such things but she is a walking bank of knowledge on phones ) I’m deeply saddened by my situation but I can’t do nothing about it so I just accept it as best I can and learn as much as I can about their behaviours , I can’t force people to change but can be at peace by myself & know I  I’m a good person . yes my line is in cement it’s still kinda wet cement though. I will look up the book you recommended I’m all for knowledge and learning about behaviour traits . I hope u found peace too  and are in a good place with lots of love around u . 

[white knight]

My sister has two single daughters in their 30's still living at home

 My sister had a fued with my daughter, I stayed out of it for months. Then the phone call came, my sister basically wanted me to take her side in the fuel. I refused. I did ask if she thought of seeing my daughter on neutral ground. She wouldn't consider it. I then realised my two nieces had sided with their mother and cut us off.

I made one phone call to my sister "did you suggest to your daughters not to get involved so you can maintain your relationship with your cousin and uncle". Her answer was "no". 

That's recruiting loved ones, triangulating  people to make your target lose more loved ones to pressure you into submission. The result? Ive lost my sister, my 2 nieces. My wifes lost them and the eldest nieces she was close to. My daughter lost an auntie and 2 cousins. 

My daughter has now had a baby. As a reduced family we've vowed not to allow anybody to triangulate nor cause drama. 

Life now is calm. My sister, as was my mother was acting the "queen" in that description. 

TonyWK 

[blues23]

I totally understand the triangulation I suffer that too with friends who we’re friends with me knew my sister she then turned them against both me& my daughter ( my daughter is 12 ) my nephews are in their early teens and my sister has put them in her fight with my daughter and me same as my fight with my dad she has put herself in the middle of it , even a hairdresser we both went to she triangulated her as well and made her lie to me and she admitted  it to me that’s the level of my sisters triangulation. She can’t even admit she’s wrong or doing any of it it’s all me I’m doing everything even though I’m doing nothing I’m just watching it all unfold . And watching her just isolate me & my daughter further and further from people we know . Lucky I have a small circle of people who don’t know my sister or I’d be completely alone which sometimes I feel is better. I wait for primary school to end as then there will be none of her spy’s reporting back to her on our comings & goings . It’s amazing how people can be so mean and manipulate others it’s nasty 

[white knight]

Yes Blues thats how some people roll. For what it's worth the more my relatives and friends shrink in number the happier I am, the less drama because I've given people chances and once they prove they want drama I dismiss them from my inner circle. 

My "inner circle" means I trust them and I dont suffer all those poor qualities like manipulation, triangulation and impossible expectations. Those out of the inner circle I dont have any obligations to- simple. But they can be ongoing friends and with my consideration they might one day become inner circle people.

This using boundaries and levels of closeness is the best way I found to maintain sanity. In earlier years it was more a case of being open hearted to everyone- not wise.

TonyWK

[blues23]

I’ve had to learn the same wise approach to people . It’s not easy I miss my family but I try to stay resolved in my decision to cut them off because they caused me too much pain and letting them back in will just start the cycle again & again . I wonder how do u deal with those ruminating thoughts of missing them or the why they do this  ? I struggle  some days where I miss them but it’s tinged with deep sadness and wanting to know why they choose to hurt me . 

[white knight]

"Deep sadness" absolutely. I think its the way we look at life mixed with our emotional levels the latter could be caused by

• HSP highly sensitive persons count for up to 20% of the population
• Low emotional level means they think more logically and carry out family issues on a less emotional plain. I had a school friend that I never saw cry. We were close. One day 30 years later he cried at his father gravesite. The next day he was telling me how sad he was. I didnt belittle him but told him I felt like that every second day of my life. He finally understood my pain. Thats not to say he didnt have feelings just his emotions were less at the forefront of his being.
• You're right about the "cycle" because leopards dont change their spots. 

My estrangement of my mother began in 2011. I'd had a older couple that I'd known all my life I was fond of. The lady became my quasi mother. She passed 2026. So I had unofficially adopted her as a mother.

THE SEAT

Over the years it’s become obvious to me

As far as any mind can see

Your love and care has made its mark

And it’s made its mark on me

And just as red wine can

So you have grown on me

And I’ll be there when in need

That I guarantee

So enjoy the time you have left

Rest on that special seat and feel free

You’re not old enough to be my mother

But you are a mum to me…..

TonyWK

So I can suggest you strengthen other relationships for fulfillment. Trying to find logic with other humans isnt often possible.

I'm estranged form my youngest daughter (33yo). I was powerless to counter any demonising of me by her mother. It was ramped up by my ex when my eldest came to live with me. I guess she didnt (in her eyes) want her youngest to come live with me either. At 14yo my youngest rang me "I dont want to see you again". No reason given. At 15yo she had orthodontist and dental work costing $15,000- I paid it fully. At 16yo she had a back surgery and refused me to visit- no reason given. Every 2 years she'd message me on FB rekindling a relationship a week later she'd block me- no reason given. At 28yo she did it again and it broke me. It was cruel. So to protect myself I blocked her. She'd never give me her address of phone number, FB gave her control. Yes, I grieve still.

But I thought about what if she rings my door bell.? Well, I'd let her in, offer a drink. No partner or kids allowed if she has them. I'd listen and fire calm questions at her. Then she can leave- why? because my priority isnt her, its me. Clarity would benefit me. Having her back in my life I risk it all over again. That cycle.

To keep yourself safe- protect yourself, find like minded people, accept family is who you choose, that we are vulnerable, we deserve peace.... let them go

TonyWK

[blues23]

You’re so wise & yes I agree I can’t let them back in I have to let them go . It’s sometimes hard to accept I’m half in & half out I guess that’s the grievance process. I understand your advice and will do my best to just focus on on my healing . Thank u for ur support & advice it’s very appreciated