Hi Loni-1, welcome
Yes, I've had a dysfuctional family. I'm 69yo and am estranged from my 94yo mother and 64yo sister due to their narcissistic ways. But also my 1st wife was - what I'd describe as a mother that has demonised me to my youngest daughter and that has led to me being estranged from her and it appears permanent. My youngest is 32yo. My eldest left her mothers home when 12yo to come and live with me for the same reasons I left the family home years earlier. She never returned and is also estranged from her mother and has had mental health care for this over many years, lucky to have her here really. We are close.
Back to my youngest as that closely fits your story. Accept that I was the best part time dad I could be, paid all child support over 14 years on time, had them fortnightly on weekends, took them to zoos, playgrounds etc. Took as active a role with their schooling even defied their mother to attend parent and teacher nights and other stuff she wanted full control of and to minimise my involvement with my daughters. My ex was so terrible to me that when my youngest reached 18yo I told my ex to never contact me ever again. My youngest every 2 years would message me on facebook, develop hope in me that we could grow a relationship, a few days later she'd block me. This went on till she was 28yo and when she did that I then blocked her., on FB, phone etc. It was the end. My mental torment had found its limit and with mental struggles I knew self care was important.
How to survive? It's never easy but packing your life with activities helps. I noticed this after I separated from my 1st wife. I built a house while working 12 hours shift work. I noticed I thought less of the situation. I was too busy to worry. When mates came around I'd talk about the situation then and off load my emotions. When they left I formed a mental switch- back to building!!
What I would do is have the belief that they will one day knock on your door. When they do, let them in. If they want a relationship allow them to orchestrate the regularlty of contact, try not to have expectations and maintain your busy life you've developed. Let them ask questions and reply in short factually based answers ending with "anything more you want to know"? I decided this many years ago, to let her in and talk - why? For MY BENEFIT, not hers. For my mental wellbeing and sanity. If a relationship doesnt come out of it then thats their decision, they are entitled to make it. BTW if my youngest had a husband and/or grandchildren I would not want to see them on that first visit. I am aware of the power of her taking after her mother and the real possibility of her removing those kids from my life after I've given them my heart. I'm too fragile to allow that. So any contact like that would come after a long time of her and I only talking and trust built up.
I hope I've helped you
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TonyWK
