Disowned by family members? How to survive it
My sister and l 6 years ago disowned our then 79yo narcissistic and manipulative mother. We'd toiled for over 50 years to work with her to no avail. We lost family members as they observed this little old lady cry on their shoulders "what have I done to deserve this, I've been such a good mother...."
But being a child of such a tyrant is never felt by others. At the end of the day a decision was made for sanity and peace. Our decision and for us, an irreversible one.
Fast track to 2017 and my youngest daughter 24yo said goodbye last week following some fundamental differences between us. Yes as a teen her mind was brainwashed by her revengeful mother. Her mother never forgave me nor my eldest daughter for her leaving home at 12yo to live with me.
So at 14yo my youngest said goodbye. Then 10 years later returned to my life 12 months ago...and now we've split again.
One question is - how many times is this going to happen?. I exercised the same right with my mother!.
The hollow feeling of a child lost is deep. How have I coped?. Firstly, i had the advantage of 10 years without her. Also her behaviour meant she'd inherited her mothers genes of playing emotional games and being selfish.
That helps my progress of acceptance but it still is disappointing. I consulted friends and family. It seems losing a childs faith is commonplace. This at least allows you the knowledge you are not alone. You cant pick your family....but you can pick those you want to treat as family.
I've been a positive thinker since 1982. I will overcome anything. But the initial impact of maybe never seeing your child again takes time to swallow. Part of me wants to hug her forever, part wants to talk forever so she'll hear reason and part tells me that being her mothers daughter results in little hope..
However, I feel sorry for her for the same reason. Children brainwashed is no fault of theirs. But as an adult she should acknowledge that process....arhhh the mental tug of war ....
By far, so far, the greatest thing that has assisted me is my positivity or reality. Reality is that this is life. It is common and it is not something we can find answers to. As parents we cant cover all bases, we can only do our best.
We cant ignore our inbuilt standards. Such standards are part of our DNA. When that clashes with your childs DNA it just doesnt work.
A piece of us will always be missing, we have to focus on what we have, not what we've lost.
I can say "ditto" to your story.
Over 20 years ago I decided to cut loose from my toxic parents. It took me a long time to get to that point but it has turned out to be absolutely the best decision.
Then, about 5 years ago my middle daughter cut us out of her life due to real & imagined wrongs. There once would have been a time I wouldn't have coped with that. I did though & I'm proud of myself. Our lives have gone on.
Our daughters life has gone on too. I have been sad, hurt, angry & finally, peaceful. I miss her, but I have a new normal now. We don't know what the future holds, if anything.
Thanks for the topic Tony, Lyn.
I'm really sorry about your situation. You've been through a hell of a lot. I'm sorry I can't help you much, but I'd just like to say that I admire your positivity and this is a trait that I would like to uphold myself. I'm sure you've done your very best, against all odds I'm sure. Keep staying positive and in particular keep doing what you do here, helping others with your positivity. Godspeed brother.
Thankyou Apollo Black. Yes I intend to hang around. Its my therapy.
Thankyou Lyn. One froend said to me "being needed doesnt mean you are loved". It has made so much sense to me.
My positivity came from a lecture in 1982. Its covered in this thread. Please google
Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue
It is hard, but i feel you may be better off without the hardship you've been through with them. I'm not sure. Family support is important but only if its supportive, not destructive to you.
Tell them you love them anyway and find your way, People will come and go. I hope you have good friends that stay. Focus on work and friendships and other really good things in your life.
We are here for you, always
All the best