Impending divorce

Downgirl · ‎27-01-2017

Hi, just reaching out really. I have started to have panic attacks so maybe writing all his down might help. I was married for 13 years, the last four were unbearable. I have always used alcohol to self-medicate but this has become out of control especially over the past 12 months since separating. I probably drink a bottle of wine a day but that is on a good day, if I'm socialising its more. My husband blames my drinking for the end of our marriage but there are other reasons. I told him I would get help but he doesn't want to reconcile. So divorce is impending and we care for our two young children 50/50. To make matters worse I recently met a great guy accidentally. But he has lost interest, possibly because he might see me as unstable or having a drinking problem. I became attached to this person way too quickly and now I am having anxiety issues because he doesn't want to see me anymore. I am so terrified of not being able to be a part-time mother and cope with a full time job which I've only recently been doing over the past 12 months so that was another change. I really feel I cannot cope with working full time, separation and taking care of the children and now feeling awful about a man who I only knew for a short time. I guess he made me feel alive again, such a cliche. I really want to get help for my alcohol problems as I do know they have affected my marriage and will continue to affect other relationships. I don't feel AA would work for me as I am very private, don't know of any rehab places. I am in South Australia. Thanks for listening.

blondguy · ‎28-01-2017

Hello DGirl

Welcome to the forums and for the huge courage you have by posting

You are in a dark phase right now....I remember the word 'separation' (divorce) and the lows that you are going through.

The forums are a judgemental free zone so no one is going to judge or patronize you at all. We can however help you with the support you need by being here for you.....there are many kind people that will be here for you!

Your plate is more than full with so much happening it can be hard to see your way out of the forest and find the light (clarity) and regain some peace in your life

The childrens' well being is paramount here. Okay, you have met a guy on the rebound...no judgement here...that happens..a lot.

From what you have posted.....The priorities are your children and yourself. Nothing else right now.

Can I ask you if you have even one or two people that you can confide in? (a support network) This is important right now....Like you have done tonight here....its vital you continue to vent...to us of course if you wish....and one or two friends/relations.....Blowing off steam (venting) is important now....for your kids and yourself.

If you have a good GP, I really hope you can make an appointment and continue your recovery with the Impending divorce and impact on you and your children. This would be crucial. The GP's have better training nowadays on these matters compared to even 10 years ago.

I hope you can post back and let us know how you are going 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paulx

geoff · ‎28-01-2017

hi Downgirl, alcohol can be used in fun times and when you are enjoying yourself with friends or family, but once we start using it to self medicate it creates problems, but I was exactly the same as you, which was one reason why my ex divorced me, but at that point in time I just wanted the grog, because I was depressed.
When you consider the alcohol and these other problems, then these other concerns seem to mount up rather quickly which make your situation worse, so when you meet some other person you are still carrying all of these problems, however they will be pushed aside in a new r/ship as much as you can, but little issues will start to get through and finally showwhich is disappointing.
AA was also not my cup of tea and going into rehab will help you while you are in there, but the chances of drinking again can be high, because you're back home facing the same problems so you want to drink so you can try and relax, I'm not saying that rehab is not going to help you but you have to changed situations, change the people you associate with if they drink.
Your doctor can prescribe you medication which takes away the urge or need to drink, and even if you did have a drink there will be no buzz effect, but these tablets will only work if you really want to stop drinking, otherwise they will be useless.
Does your husband still want to divorce you, but what I want to say is that once our divorce went through and we sold the house etc, the need for me to drink all day suddenly stopped, and now I only drink socially. Geoff. x

Downgirl · ‎28-01-2017

Hi Geoff thanks for your advice, you seem to understand the alcohol issue pretty well! Can I ask if you were drinking more than 1 bottle of wine a day at your worst or more? How did you stop? Sorry to be nosey, it feels like the grog is controlling me. I wish I had not got involved with this other guy, it has messed with my head when it should not have but I think he can see that which is why he has backed off. Gee do you think I am hung up on this new guy?? Not! Anyway onwards and upwards again. My ex husband blames me and my drinking on all our problem when in fact the bulk of the problems are a lot of other things. However, I ask myself why I drink and I come up with things like feeling empty, unloved, unfulfilled etc. The grog makes it go away. I really need to stop this but then I am left with these feelings and nothing to do with them. My husband says he still loves me but has nothing to give, he is depressed and can't talk to me. He has been saying this for three years, and nothing changes so I have to move on hence me pushing for property settlement and signing of papers even though I still love him underneath. Most of the people I meet who are separating have gone through an affair and don't even talk to their ex. We are not like that, we have just drifted apart. Thanks for listening

geoff · ‎28-01-2017

hi Downgirl, I didn't have what you are going through at the moment, as there was no other girl involved but I was blamed for drinking and told to stop, not only by my ex with also by my 2 sons, however if another lady came into the scene, then my situation would be exactly the same as yours.
The reason why you are drinking involves so many issues, probably which only you know about and nothing your husband knows, so he doesn't understand, and you are probably not prepared to tell him, some with me as I didn't say a word to my ex.
The reason I seemed to stop drinking was because my ex divorced me and we had to sell our house, one that I had gutted and put in a new kitchen, spa, moved walls so every room had been renovated, where there were 3 bathrooms gutted and done up so it was the place I had expected to live for ever, so it had to be sold.
By the time it was sold I had to rent a house, I was going to buy at first, but only wanted to rent for a year, but this was the changing point for me, I was alone, my 2 sons were living in Melbourne and had jobs, so the pressure was off me, but I knew that I had to drive my car, so this changed my drinking and lifted my depression, and that's when I started posting here on BB some 13 or so years ago.
I about to log off as I start early in the morning but will wait to see your reply. Geoff. x

Apollo_Black · ‎28-01-2017

Hi Downgirl

I know it's easy for me to say but ditching the alcohol is the absolute #1 major focus in your life right now, apart from your two children. They need their mother more than ever and alcohol is not only one of the biggest killers we have, but worse than that it causes so many other chronic conditions which lead to a limited life of misery. If you had absolutely no idea about anything, then you wouldn't be reaching out here. You can ditch this. You can do it. There are so many other things you can do to replace it and one of the best alternatives to medication I have found is exercise and lots of it. If you are in SA then contact Drug and Alcohol Services South Australia (DASSA) on 1300 13 1340 (South Australian callers only - local call fee). Confidential telephone counselling and information is available between 8:30am and 10:00pm every day.

I think you're ready to take the next step. Call them on Monday and welcome a change for the better. The only thing you can change is yourself, so if you can change fort the positive then everything else might just fall into line.

Downgirl · ‎29-01-2017

Thanks to Apollo Black and Geoff. You are right. The catch 22 though is that alcohol helps with the panic although it may have also caused it in the first place. I might post here tonight, that is my worst time, when my kids are not here and I am alone.

Apollo_Black · ‎29-01-2017

There are other ways to deal with anxiety than alcohol. Like you said it only makes things worse. It's natural to oppose making the change to cut it out. You need some accountability. Perhaps someone close to you can help achieve this. It's going to be harder on your own, but only you can make the first steps to make the change. You can do it.

IsabelaMA · ‎29-01-2017

Hi Downgirl,

First I want to tell you I am sorry you are going through such a hard time in your life. I can only imagine how hard it is to face divorce while you also have to co-parent and face your own issues with alcohol. You have a lot on your plate right now and I am glad you reached out for help because that is the first step to getting better.

I do understand that fact that you felt so well having that man's attention! You have been feeling lonely and have such a big burden on your shoulders! It makes sense that you wanted validation from someone else, afterall, you cannot give it to yourself at the moment.

Having said that, I believe that there are a lot of strong feelings you have been denying for a long time and they are toxic. Whether we admit it or not all of us have problems and feel sad or helpless sometimes, however the way we deal with our feelings makes a HUGE difference in our current state and our future.

You need to book an appointment with a GP as soon as possible so they can make you a mental health plan and you can start treating your issues along with a qualified psychologist. I do understand that going to therapy can be scary but it is essencial that someone assist you change your behavior (which takes time) and work on the CAUSES of your heavy drinking.

It is important that you know that unless you take a good look deep down your past (more likely your childhood) and find the root of the problems, you will continue drinking and seeking validation from others, which puts you in a very vulnerable situation. You must work on what is going on inside of you! I will not lie to you, it is going to be painful and you will resist it. But I must also add that it is the only way you can start making real progress! I know that because it worked for me and for other people who turned their lives around. You must take some time to focus on yourself first so you can be a good parent and realize that you do not need anyone to make you feel alive. If you work hard and have good profesionals and friends around you, you can learn how to rely on yourself.

So, start with going to a GP like Paulx said, find a good psychologist to help you and COMMIT to treatment. No matter what happens go to the appointments and slowly start accepting your feelings regarding your traumas and insecurities.

I wish you all the best and talk to you very soon!

Isabela.