Rumination/Mindfulness Doesn't Make Sense

[twolegsjoe]

Hi,

Figured I'd make a post on here because whenever this comes up it drives me nuts trying to make heads or tails of it.

Basically, I am currently in the midst of my quarterly mental breakdown, and as many people do, I refer to the internet to help push me in the right direction.

I'm really at my wit's end however, when nearly every response is something like "accept your thoughts but don't dwell on them" - I, sincerely, and at the risk of this sounding like a loaded question, do not understand this. At all. Like, I get the concept that they're describing, but I don't know how to make myself "not dwell" or "imagine my thoughts like a cloud passing by" or "imagine your thoughts are an island" or what have you. When I have an intrusive thoughts, I just feel upset. Like!? Sorry I don't really know what else to say about it, it just frustrates me thinking about it because I don't know how to physically make my brain not dwell.

The other response I see is "practice mindfulness", which again, fundamentally do not understand this. Like, I can acknowledge my privilege, things to be grateful for, I can tell myself positive affirmations til the cows come home but I still just want to ball my eyes out the entire time. Frankly, the only thing I've taken away from meditation is frustration.

Anyway, sorry again if this comes across as a loaded question, I just get really mad any time such things are suggested to me because it just does not compute in my brain, and I'm just looking for some help, or validation, or anything positive really.

[Croix]

Dear Twolegsjoe~

Welcome back. I can understand that all that well meaning advice does not meet you  needs, and often is simply irrelevant and shows a a lack of understanding. Both frustrating and upsetting to see the gap between the advisors and you. .

You mentioned rumination, which for me had been that endless loop of rethinking/reliving past events, or imagining what will happen with future ones. Waiting too is one of my least favorite occupations.

I do have a partial answer that works for me The basic idea is to break that loop and  leave the mind in a receptive state to think of other things..

When feeling ok I try to list things I've enjoyed, distracted, amused or occupied me in the past. This can be hard to do and a partner's memory can be very useful. When ruminating I'm not in a receptive mood and cannot read a book, listen to music, or any  one of the other umpteen things on my list - the loop is too powerful.

When making hte list try to be specific, a particular song and singer, a particular chapter in a book, a particular comedian on YouTube etc. Of course you tastes will be different from mine.

To become calm and in a mindset that will allow me to use items in the list I employ a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind.  This is indeed a guided mindfulness program however it takes you right way from your life and makes you concentrate on a specific thing - maybe a leaf swirling down a stream.

With practice it becomes surprisingly effective. I"ll say again with practice. Although There are a great many exercises for people of all ages and skills it takes time to reap  the benefit. I have the attention span of a goldfish and my mind keeps trying to revert to the loop, however I found exercises that remind (read 'nag':) me to draw my attention back quite frequently - just what I need.

If you persevere you do end up in a calm state removed from that loop, and can enjoy items on your list as I do. It takes effort to master this program and your mind, and does not happen the first time you use it,  but I found the great unpleasantness of ruminating motivated me to keep on trying until I'm now in a much better place

If you felt like trying it I'd be very interested to see how you went

Croix

[therising]

Hi twolegsjoe

'Accept your thoughts but don't dwell on them' can take a whole variety of strategies into account. The question becomes about which strategies work for us personally. Not every strategy is going to work, especially when the thoughts can be highly emotional and the emotion feeds into the thoughts which feed into emotion until it all starts to snowball. 

'Observing and questioning' and 'Distraction' can be a couple of strategies that work for me, depending on the nature of the thought/s. There are times where I can't stop the thoughts unless I observe and question the hell out of them in order to find a little heaven on earth (aka 'peace'): 'Where in hell is this coming from? What's triggered this train of thought? Is it trying to tell me something? What emotions are connected to it? Is it coming from a part of me I need to address?' and so on. Personally, I don't see this as dwelling, more so 'not ignoring'. Not ignoring it means the next time a thought comes up, I may know why it's come up. It's about becoming more knowledgeable. 

The art of distraction is something most parents rely on. While a little kid may be having a full blown emotional melt down over not having what they want, once a parent leads that child to completely shift focus then the child will make an emotional connection to what they're now focusing on. To consciously shift focus, as opposed to non consciously (like that child), can take a heck of a lot of practice and hard work. If we've got people around us who can help us do that, it can definitely make a difference at times. The shift will require 100% focus. Even if the new focus point is about absolute silliness, it doesn't matter. What matters is that the shift is made out of what we were focusing on and feeling. By 'silliness', what I mean for example could involve fully 100% imagining a talking cat standing upright wearing little high heeled shoes and red lipstick. Now fill in the details such as what colour the cat is, what colour the shoes are, what its environment looks like, what tone of voice it has, what it has to say etc. All thoughts have now shifted to the cat. All emotions have now shifted to the cat. Meditation doesn't have to be serious, it can simply involve meditating on a talking cat if that's what works. In our imagination, the cat may actually have something helpful to say. Ask it a question. The imagination can be a highly underutilised resource, offering many surprising moments.

Based on my own experience, 'practicing mindfulness' is about practicing being mindful of what actually works. I absolutely agree with you that while we can be deeply grateful for a whole stack of things, that sense of gratitude isn't necessarily going to take us out of where we're at mentally, emotionally and even physically (when it comes to our chemistry). My mum, who was one of my closest friends, passed away about four and a half months ago. I could practice gratitude 'til the cows come home but this doesn't help during moments of deep grief. What helps is questioning the thoughts and emotions I experience and meditating on meeting with her in my mind in positive ways that help me move forward.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is what works. While we could have dozens of people say to us 'You have to stop analysing your thoughts and your emotions and you have to stop meditating on ridiculous things', my response to that is 'If there's no harm done and if it all works brilliantly, technically there's nothing wrong with that'.