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Escape or survive a loveless marriage?

CathyC
Community Member

I'm 45 and my husband is 49. We've been married 11 years, with two kids aged 8 and 6. We haven’t had sex in more than 6 years. We’ve slept in separate beds for at least 5 years. There is zero affection or physical contact. (Before we had kids, no real issues.)
Over the years I have tried to address this many times. My husband was diagnosed with depression and low testosterone, but stopped taking his medication as he insisted it didn’t work. I’m not sure if he is still depressed - he seems content to live in this loveless and sexless marriage.
I begged him to try counselling, which he did for a few sessions about 2 years ago. Then I joined for 2 sessions - before he refused to go back. He didn't tell me - he just didn’t go back, despite me asking him to go several times. In the sessions I attended, he asked me not to nag him about our relationship and give him space. I did this and nothing happened. He has never once in all these years instigated a discussion of these issues.
At least on three occasions, having lost patience, I told him I wanted a divorce. He just says ok, then jumps into action, looking for somewhere to rent, etc. After me venting, he agrees to couples counselling - but never goes through with it. He just carries on as usual until the next time I get angry or upset.

Apart from this, he has not lifted a finger to save our marriage. He just says we should stay together ‘for the kids’. I really don’t matter to him at all. In my darkest moments I feel he also wants to stay together because I brought a lot more into the marriage financially (he had nothing).

I can barely stand to be in the same room as him now and avoid conversation. It’s hard to describe just how humiliating and lonely it’s been. He knows I’m very unhappy, but never asks me about it. Instead, he commonly treats me with disdain, rolling his eyes or dismissing anything I say. The therapist even pulled him up on this, but he doesn’t get it. If I raise I’m unhappy in any way whatsoever, he’ll turn away, raise his hand up to motion me to stop speaking and yell, ‘Get a divorce then.’

I'm being forced to accept this loveless, sexless marriage - or else. I’m heartbroken because I really wanted my kids to have a stable, ‘normal’ family life. I never wanted a divorce, but what choice do I have? How do people stay married just ‘for the kids’?
I’m so very lonely and tired of keeping up appearances. I’ve kept all of this to myself all these years and it has truly become unbearable.

53 Replies 53

Hi Sophie,

Lovely to heat from you, sorry for my delayed response.

Thats fantastic news & very exciting re your citizenship!! Well done 👏👏

I’m doing ok ATM thank you, can’t wait for a couple of weeks off @ Christmas 🎄

Hope you enjoy your Christmas & wishing you an exciting & hopefully a happier 2020

take care,

Cazza xx

HI Cazza, thought I would post and find out how you are doing?

Christmas and new year wasnt too bad for me. I have finished my study now, which takes some pressure off, and now have to find a more stable job before moving on. How are you doing?

Moon and back
Community Member

I just want to jump in here and say that I completely understand - I could

have written this myself. Have things improved? 

Devil
Community Member

Hey Cathy,

i feel for you because I have been going through the same for many years now. No doubt my husband is a good human being, a good father to my 4 year old and he cares for me but 9 yeas of marriage, he hardly gave much effort to it and with each given day, I slowly and gradually fell out of love with him that I felt nothing for him. I finally gathered the courage to separate with him and that has brought a lot of hate situation for me because I come from a society wherein breaking free from a marriage, no matter how bad it maybe is a complete NO NO. I am shamed, alienated, basically left to self doubt but I have finally done it. I donot know what my future holds and if I will ever find that love or support that I always look for but I know for a fact that I will not have to pretend to be Happy. 
So thi k about it and decide what you want. We have one life to live and given the situations, we have no idea when will we drop dead so Decide before its too late. All the Best and sending love and prayer to you.