Am I asking too much ?

[KT87]

So it’s a long story but I had a baby a few months ago and got very bad severe  PPD to the point of feeling suicidal .I got severe insomnia which I still struggle with and am on pills to sleep . Baby is sleeping better but not me ☹️I have been a lot better since having Zoloft mentally. The whole thing has been very hard for my partner he basically took all night feeds till 3am for a few months while working . Now that I am recovering he is just doing the 9pm and 12am feed I do 12am if he commutes to the office and then he sleeps till 8 or so during the week or longer on weekends . I get up with baby every day at 5-6am . I do all the housework , prep baby’s food bottles etc and I do bedtime every night bath , bottle , book he takes over for the next feed at 9pm . I am also doing all the housework , prepping the bottles , laundry etc. The thing that annoys me is he never offers to help with bedtime even on the weekends I asked him to bathe the baby and he said I’ve never done that !! I have told him it’s exhausting looking after a baby all day and he said at least you don’t have deadlines . He has also used my PPD to guilt me and say that the last few months have been really hard for him ( before I started to recover ) . He also plays video games during the day on the weekends and during the week when I am doing bedtime or looking after baby . I am starting to feel resentful but I don’t know if I am asking to much as I’m on mat leave and the previous few months he basically took over night feeds ? Am I being unreasonable wanting him to help more?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's one thing that modern men havent mastered the expectation of doing housework. It's still the female domain to many men, something I personally disagree with. The video games mention intrigues me, I dont relate to that either in terms of the enormity of your tasks however, providing it isnt many hours then it could go under relaxation... as long as you have such times for yourself while you reverse roles.

I know this is a difficult time in your lives and the real answer is to come together not allow these differences to break you. A very serious conversation should take place without distractions and in a friendly request type mood. Any hint of being told and he might reject your requests.

So I think just a few changes might make a lot of difference- eg he hangs out the washing and brings it in and folds it. That will allow you to remain indoors keeping an eye on the baby. If baby is asleep then you can hang out the washing together?? This imo is better than asking him to bathe the baby because some men freak out taking care of little ones, I know I did when my first was born. 

I think he might be under stress with his job and in reality he needs some understanding that while you have stress with bus, he has a different type of stress. Just listening to him and trying to understand can make him feel good.

So in summary, its not a competition or comparison, its a time to make fair requests, share the load by designating a role or two for him to support you more. Softly remind him that his teenage years are over but fun like video games can still exist but all other matters come first.

I hope that helps. BTW I have a great post below that can be used when you argue. It worked for us some 15 years ago and still does.

Relationship strife? the peace pipe - Beyond Blue Forums - 315496

You can reply anytime and hope it all works out... baby steps.

TonyWK

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life and relationship with your partner.

As Tony points to, I think it's a seriously testing time that's going to test your and your partner's ability to communicate, negotiate and feel for each other. One of the things that can make this hard can involve not being able to fully relate to each other's challenges, such as insomnia, deadlines, different responsibilities and more. While you're both experiencing mentally and physically exhausting challenges, perhaps one of the things to consider during negotiations involves what good quality breaks look like for the both of you, breaks that can help the both of you to

• Gain quality sleep that's going to give you both more energy
• Gain quality time out with friends/family as individuals (reconnecting with people who can keep you sane)
• Gain a sense of relaxation/peace (even it that's with video games)
• Gain some quality time where you're both bonding with your baby at the same time without there being work involved. This would be play time

and so on. Yes, a major balancing act. Establishing what full time work hours look like for the both of you, can help establish who manages what outside of those hours. For example, you both work a structured 8 hours a day (him outside of the house and you at home), you both get at least 6 straight hours of sleep a night. You both have equal amount of free time outside of the house etc etc. Btw, part of your full time job at home could involve you becoming a researcher in regard to 'What helps eliminate insomnia?'. Whether it involves melatonin supplements, certain yoga practices, nervous system management, natural chemistry in certain foods that produce the right chemical reactions within our body, vagus nerve management or something else, an hour or so each day could help lead you to eventually researching a breakthrough.

It's tough when no one really talks about the deeply depressing and stressful parts of early parenthood and what it can do to people. I can relate to post natal depression, which I experienced with both my babies. I experienced this within long term depression. While depression was nothing new to me, having babies definitely ramped everything up massively. Not being able to breast feed was brutal. Most of my inner dialogue was brutal. The exhaustion was mind altering and the list of triggers continued. While some people will write PND or PPD off to 'hormones', it can be so much more than that, so so sooooo much more.

As the feeds reduce in frequency over time, there'll be a little less torture. As the wet and pooey nappies change to pull ups and then a fully toileted human being is what you have, there'll be a little less torture. As your baby comes to be someone who can verbalise their needs (and you're not left guessing what the hell they're crying about), there'll be a little less torture. While I consider my baby girl who's 22 and my baby boy who's 19 to be absolute legends and 2 of my closest friends, they began as torturous mentally disturbing little creatures (something they find amusing, as we can laugh about it together now). Of course, while facing that torture it can be far from amusing. It can be downright seriously depressing and incredibly hard to navigate through.❤️