Lost

[Rosiejane]

Hi I am feeling lost, I do not know where would I put this.. I feeling lost and I am feeling little depressed lately that I do not know where to go..

I have a long distance relationship with my partner who is incarcerated in the US max prison.. everything was very good but I would not say smelling flowers as yeah we had good and bad days like most all relationships.. but 2 weeks he got taken out with an stretcher and he got put into hospital.. 

well at the start he was put on a ventilator but now I finally his heath is improving… 

I get the updated news from his mother and brother over the phone but my heart aches.. but i can not tell them how I feel as that’s her son and brother so of cause they feel and suffering more then me right now, so I do not want to feel a burden on them.. 

I got my family here; there more of old school, everything would be fine but I do not feel fine; I feel my depression coming on.. he can not contact me and I can not contact him.. so I feeling a little bit of a strain rn.. 

[Croix]

Dear RosieJane~

Welcome back to the forum. You are in a very upsetting position and I'm sorry to hear htat. There a very many who have or form an attachment with someone who is in jail and it can be awkward depending particularly on the communication policy of the institution.

Although you may not be next of kin that does not mean your greif and worry is any the  less than his mother or brother. You have just as much 'right' to be upset. Perhaps you might consider opening up more to them. After all if they want the best for their son/brother they may well be glad he has a freind.

There are times when things are not right and one is powerless to do anything about it but wait, maybe this is one of those times. Trying to keep yourself busy, maybe take up gym, perhaps an increase in your social life -anything to distract you - might help.

You might also consider visiting your GP and explain what's happening before your depression becomes more pronounced and see if the is some temporary measure that  might help

If you would like to say how you are getting on that wold be great

Croix

[Rosiejane]

Thanks Coax i appreciate the wise words that you given me, when i meet him 2yrs ago; i was talking to two guys on the pen pal page but these guys was just using me.. which some of them do, i completely understand as its how they survive.. so I gave up talking to people behind bars.. until One day i was talking to this lifer- i told him, i am not in Any financial state to look after him, but we can communicate with each other that I would buy stamps and putting $$ on the phone.. he asked me if i want to talk to another person behind bars..

that day I said yes

I am glade that I said yes as that day has changed, his everything and Now a piece of me is lost- I am a control freak. I have never stood up In a relationship; I have old school values so the man is in control so everything is all new for me and that’s brings up my anxiety.. I do not know where to start..

The day I got told he was taken by the stretcher it feels my world just stoped, especially we was talking about goals, our future and he was about to get released., I was about to go over there for an holiday to visit him.. but now everything is ceased up..

I talk to them but I do not want to be a burden on them, as they do not need to carry my issues as well, I think it’s related to my past as well; that can be triggering.. like I already suffer from attachment issues, as my mother left me when I was a baby, she was 15yrs old and she could not deal with being an mother.. I think she suffered from antil depression but it was not much known then, then my first boyfriend died by being murdered by an rival gang member- other people had died such as my grandmother, grandfather and my untie and now my fiancée is in hospital, I do not know what’s happening- I am waiting by, waiting for the call that I do not want to imagine, playing playing in my head like an broken record.. his mother keeps telling me; that his getting better each day which something I can have hope for..

I went back on my depression tablets but I do not like them, they just make me a zombie.. it just mellows me out!