Help with son wanting to date someone online.

[Kim24]

So my just turned 18yr old son has just come out to tell his dad and I he has feelings for someone he made friends with online about 6yrs ago. Now this friend is born a male but wants to become a female.

It orginally all started with he wanted to come over and meet my son and hang out. Then we got told he was male but wants to transition into a female. Now my son has always had issue with anxiety and never has gone out. He has always been a home boy. 

I feel like this friend of his is putting pressure on him to be in a relationship and is trying to control him. I never thought my son felt like this and im confused and don't know what to do. I feel like this friend seem like he is sucking my son in as my son isn't really mature enough yet in my opinion. He has never gone out and experienced things in real life. I would love some help.

I just dont think my son should have a relationship with this person but how do I stop it.

In the 7yrs they have only ever spoke online. Now this friend is 19yr old.

My head is all over the place and I don't know what to do.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Honestly, I feel out of depth on this one.

We community champions here are people with mental health issues that are confident enough to share some of their vast life experiences. So we are not counsellor, or medical staff. 

There are many questions that arise from your story. At 18yo would your son be prepared in many years to come to not be a biological father? Could it become a domineering relationship as you eluded?. As they havent physically met how can your son know he is attracted to them? Is your son "easy bait" for this person? What do they have in common eg hobbies, sports, interests?

On the flip side there is a case (less strong imo) for your son to experience the world and its people. 

I too would be concerned. I suggest a family counsellor not only for him but you and your partner.

I hope that helps.  TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi, since I replied I've had some opinions that I'd like to share.

Being a solely online friendship your son has had with this person there is a chance that this person isnt who they say they are. It's a big red flag nowadays.

If the person is who they say they are and their transitioning plans are real, the better thing to do at this stage is to meet with them personally in the presence of your son. This could be portrayed as a positive thing from your sons perspective. Once they meet and have long discussions, your son might not be so interested. Also you could gauge how genuine they are.

Your son sounds vulnerable especially if the other person is domineering. Perhaps you can make a semi rule that if he continues this relationship for eg 12 months then you will review it. This could eliminate any chance its a "flash in the pan".

If these measures are taken and others, and you are at peace with your sons decisions then you can possibly embrace the situation eventually and allow love to flourish. After all his happiness is paramount.

These are just ideas and I thank you for your diligence in contacting us to find some answers to a very worrying situation.

TonyWK