Emotional Cheating Husband

[Sammy234]

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for almost 6. He is suffering from depression, he was taking medication and then he decided it was ok to up his medication. He is now suffering with emotional bluntness, just before or just after taking the higher dose he started to change I confronted him about the change and he went straight to blame me for all the issues in our relationship and said I was a horrible wife, I told him if he wanted it to work then he needed to arrange to see a marriage therapist with me, he agreed and made the arrangement all while he was starting a emotional affair with a girl he use to know from years ago. He really started to change and then I confronted him about cheating and he then accused me of cheating, I have never looked at another guy that was since we started dating. We did the therapy session and he went on the attack in front of the therapist it was brutal and she had to pull him up, after that I decided to put some space between us and went away for a couple of days, while I was away he text me to say he had a letter for me and if I wanted him to call and read it to me and I said yes he then proceeded to break off our marriage I said I wuld fight and he told me not too, I then asked him to leave and I wanted him gone by the time I got home he then said I thought you were going to fight for us. I came home and everything was a little cold but ok. He agreed to work on our marriage and I thought everything was going ok but fast forward a month and I broke into his phone and found the messages from his lover, they were graphic the things he said about me where OMG bad, she then went on to label me as the villan and said he was perfect fueling his ego. I confronted him and he agreed to stop all contact and then promised he wanted not to lose his wife and family, I thought things were ok again and then I found he had hidden her number in his car and then I found a secret phone that I am sure he has been using to contact her, I had enough at this point and asked to talk about it and he said NO I wasn't going to be silenced anymore or controlled so I emailed him and broke off our marriage as he doesnt want to talk about anything to do with my feeling or his. I am still waiting for him to respond and move out but nothing. What should I do

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I cant say what to do, that is your decision. What I can say is that only you know how much stress and secrets you can bare. I imagine you would like an answer because if I said "break it off" you'd have vindication for doing so which means less or no guilt. If you believe you have done all you can to save the marriage then you should respect your own judgement.

It doesnt appear that he is being reasonable especially his behaviour at the therapist. Some times people having any sort of affair have an effective defence- by going on the attack. He cant justify nor defend his actions so what else can he do but to blame you and make you feel bad. That's gaslighting and if you dont know the meaning google it.

Although you feel betrayed I think there is some improvement for you to make. Two things, one is that you can put your pride aside and be friendly (yes its hard) in helping him move out with a smooth transition and secondly, unless a psychiatrist says his actions are the result of medication adjustments, dont believe it. I havent read anything in my years here that affairs were instigated by too high dosages of any medications.

I hope you are ok. Be firm once you have made your decision. You deserve better but the choice is yours. Trust is the number one need in a relationship.

TonyWK