Seeking advice for a complicated love situation

[paygho]

I’m a guy in my late 20’s, and about a year ago I came out to my friends and family.

I recently fell deeply in love with a straight guy (or so he claims) and I would like advice on how to proceed given we’ve had sex many times, been in what’s felt like a romantic relationship and just travelled together (one-on-one) for a few weeks which was possibly the best experience of my life.

However, unfortunately this guy says he’s not gay and wants nothing more than a strong friendship and sex here and there on the side.

Through deep thought of our time together, I believe he is both strongly sexually and emotionally into me. However my thoughts are that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with guys and may never need to come out, as he could be equally strongly sexually and emotionally into girls and therefore chooses to live a more ‘normal’ life with them. He’s big on family and kids.

The problem: It has been hard for me sometimes when we are not together. I’ll obviously want to hang out more and do more than he does. We’ve been catching up on average once - twice per week, however I really want to spend more time, do more travelling and live together. I love this guy so much.

The fact this is all happening, but we are not in a relationship hurts. Something I would never have understood until now.

I believe there is a chance he’ll come out in the future, but this could bring other downsides. He may want to experience more guys and this would hurt me even more and likely destroy a possibility of a lifelong friendship. So maybe its best for me if he never does?

At my request, I’ve asked we don’t speak with each other for a few months while he’s still away overseas so I can move on and maybe catch feelings for a new guy - this would hopefully pave the way for us to be just strong friends when he gets back later in the year. He’s a bit upset by this request, but accepts its for the better.

My questions to the community is how do I proceed? What usually happens in this scenario? Advice? Am I being too unrealistic thinking we can go back to friendship removing the sex and feelings? Can my feelings go away? Do you think he will come out?

In the straight world you generally wouldn’t stay friends with someone you’ve just been so strongly in love with. It this an unreasonable expectation?

The thought of not even being friends is the most depressing thing ever to me. But I also am aware of that fact I could waste many years of my life being into this guy but nothing developed- as it has made me unable to meet or be interested in meeting new people.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Re: "Am I being too unrealistic thinking we can go back to friendship removing the sex and feelings?".  I suggest it is unrealistic. He has stated clearly he doesnt want to come out. The stars in this relationship are not aligning fully and that is your core problem.

It is sad that 2 people can meet, have love for each other one way or mutual then there is an element of it that wont quite fit. I had the same in my 20's, a lady with a child and 7 years of turmoil breaking up even once a week. She sadly had a psychiatric condition that stopped her from committing. Well that problem caused the eventual split and it broke my heart. 20 years later we met up again and during that brief chat it dawned on me how significant that hiccup was in our relationship... the "I dunno" answers to questions was a complete reminder. 

So, yes, you are in love but that doesnt mean it is ideal and you really need to shift your mindset (once the grief passes) to seek real love and receive it at a similar intensity/commitment.

The driver of a car that cares will do a u-turn in a one way street to be with you. Calling out wont change him. This moulding of a partner to fulfil your dreams likely wont come. Trying to remain friends will simply cause temptation towards the activities you had with him so it will remain the same. A complete break is healthy for you but with short, medium term grief. 

Sometime charity has to begin at home. Take care.

TonyWK