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Emotional Affair or Friend?
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Hi
Married with 2 kids. I've been an ordinary husband at times, and my wife has a history of depression and/or PTSD – not to say it is to blame for any of this, just relevant background.
Short story is that my wife became close with a prominent public figure a few years ago when we were having difficulties. I know of sexy pics and invites to catch up when she was staying in the city (unsure if sexual or not). No messages I've seen are proof of an affair, maybe because he was smart enough not to risk blowing up his career by leaving text evidence of infidelity (he is married with kids). She swears they never slept together, they are just friends, and that she isn't attracted to him.
For a few years things were pretty good. As far as I know, contact with her friend had stopped. We started to have difficulties again recently and texts have started again. Now they are using Confide to message, so it's very hard to know what is being sent between them.
I confronted my wife and was told they are just friends. We talked about it and agreed that it should not be secretive. Confide is used because in their texts they bag his opposition, which would be bad if it became public. As you can probably guess, she's still texting him all the time, and it's entirely secretive.
I think she loves me, and honestly aside from this potential emotional affair things are pretty good. She is disappointed in me for our financial situation (the cause of most of our issues), but all other indicators of a bad relationship aren't there.
I do think she has feelings for her friend however, and I worry that given he would provide her with financial security, that she is interested.
I know exactly how the above sounds. Please give my wife the benefit of the doubt in replying as I truly believe my wife is an honest, caring, and wonderful person. She is the most selfless person I know, and I don't think she would do anything to hurt me - but I can't stop thinking that I am losing her. Possibly she isn't even aware this may be an emotional affair.
Can anyone think of reasons why I shouldn't worry? Is it possible they are just friends and I'm not seeing the truth? If she is having an emotional affair, how can I "nudge" her into realising it so it can cease? Suffice to say I am on the verge of breaking, any help is appreciated.
Thanks,
Sad_Husband.
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hey there. Welcome.
It sounds like a very tough situation to be in. On one hand, you raise the possibility of an emotional affair. And then your wife says it is just a friendship. And other than the initial pictures you are aware of, because of the app being used and not knowing what is said, it make it much harder to work out and if it were me, the mind would go into overdrive. The app you mention also is not considered to be one of the popular apps for cheating either - does not mean it cannot be.
Now, you also mentioned that is most other area, things are OK, except perhaps financially.
Supposing it were an emotional affair ... the questions I have for myself would be the "why" and address that and/or perhaps tell her how important the relation you have is to you, and that you are a little scared. (Being vulnerable here, and that can be hard, or has been for me.)
Hope some of this helps.
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l'm sorry op , but you know of sexy pics and invites to catch up ahhh, friends don't send sexy pics or visit ea other behind spouses backs so it's no wonder your not trusting this.
And tbh , of course she will just say those things and of course she's a wonderful person and we just couldn't even imagine them doing such things.
But honestly , l think you need to get to the bottom of things tbh. Don't get me wrong maybe everything is as she's said l'm not saying it won't be. And l know all too well the revolting feelings involved in digging around until you 100% know for sure one way or other. But l do think you need to know.
And sorry but l also think blaming yourself financially is no reason for a wife or hub to go of having affairs either even if it is emotional - which is said to be just as bad anyway. Personally l'd prefer it was an emotional affair myself butttt, that has been the research.
But even if there are problems you work them out keep trying get divorced l guess, not go behind partners backs and have affairs.
l'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but l really think you should leave no stone unturned in finding out the truth of it first of all.
rx
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Hi Sad Husband
I really feel for you, it’s a tough situation. I’m sorry that you have to go through this.
Only your wife and her “friend”really know what’s going on. It could be anything from a flirty friendship through to an affair. The point is that your wife’s relationship with this man is hurting you.
I think you need to tell her that you’re hurt, upset and worried. Ask her to really think on whether this is a genuine friendship or if she has unintentionally crossed a line over time. Ask her if she would consider ending the friendship and putting the extra time and emotional energy into your marriage.
Given the secrecy, sexy photos and the fact that he appears in her life when you two are having difficulties tells me that he is someone she can confide in and someone who makes her feel good about herself. She may not want to give this friendship up, but I think she needs to.
Kind thoughts to you
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Thank you smallwolf.
Yes, mind in overdrive. I didn't sleep at all last night, it was all I could think about. Tonight will probably be the same.
Yes, there is no doubt a why - my gut feel is that she's torn between her love for me and committment to our marriage and kids, and her need to feel more financially secure (which is understandable). Not that its all about the money, but if I'm a 10 but not as financially secure, and he's a 9.5 and has it - it tips in his favour and she's keeping that interest there in case I don't come through for her.
We've had the hard vulnerable conversation, but I feel like it hasn't changed anything (if anything made it go more secretive). Like she doesn't want to hurt me, but needs to keep this other man in the picture.
Thanks again
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Hi randomx
Not harsh. Honest.
Everything you've written has already been obsessed over in my head. Its the simple and obvious answer, but I truly believe there is more to it with my wife.
I know exactly how that sounds, and I'm sure everyone is shaking their head reading this... but that's my gut feel.
I'd love to know everything, but if I'm wrong it would be devastating to know I stepped over the line.
Thanks
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Thanks Summer Rose.
I see four possibilities:
1. They're just friends
2. She doesn't realise she's stepping over the line
3. She's in denial about it because of the joy she gets from the messaging
4. She knows its wrong and doesn't care
4 scares me. A lot. It would destroy me.
3 worries me because it could turn into something that does ruin our relationship by stealth. I'd have little chance of saving us.
My wife is very intelligent and I don't think its 2. She has to be aware if that's what this is - doesn't she?
1's unlikely given the history. Can you go from sexy to just friends?
We've talked about it. She knows how I feel, but it continues. I feel it has to stop also but I also feel that decision has to be hers or else she will resent me.
If anyone has any ideas on how to help someone realise that they are overstepping a line, I'd love to hear it...
Thanks again Summer Rose
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Hi sad_husband,
I’m sorry you find yourself in the situation you are in. Women tend to see men as either one of two things, as a romantic suitor or as a friend. The fact that she has sent sexy photos shows that she sees him in a sexual light. At the very least, this is an emotional affair, which you are mostly aware of anyway. If she is having an emotional affair, she will definitely be aware of that fact, you know when you are having an emotional affair because you are willing to sacrifice the happiness of your partner and risk conflict/turmoil at home to keep it going. I think the greatest risk for you is whether she is stalling and covering up while she finds out whether there is any chance of a future with this person (ie could she convince him to leave his wife, are they actually compatible and would the relationship last etc). She may be being good aside from the emotional affair, but that’s a pretty big aside. She may also be making up for the fact that she’s having an emotional affair. I think you need more information, which is difficult now they have taken their chats to ‘confide’ - if it was me, I’d demand to see the messages, that’s not something I’d do except under extreme circumstances, but I think this is pretty extreme. If she has nothing to hide I think in this instance she’d show them to clear her name, but I suspect she won’t. I think deep down you have the answer but you aren’t yet at a stage where you’re willing to accept it. I wish you peace in your quest for the truth.
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Hi again op.
But mate , no one will be shaking their head no way not at all, why would they. Your surrounded with an extremely supportive and caring bunch here and with a lot of experiences and understanding you need that right now.
You have found things or found things out though and your gut is screaming at you, l'm so sorry man but as you know that's what it does when something's wrong.
And the trouble is unfortunately she's already crossed lines l'm afraid but getting to the bottom of it, for now, doesn't have to mean more back forth with you guys there's other ways.
Anyway, sincerely hoping it's all nothing, all the best.
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Hello again
To answer your question, I honestly think that the conversation you’ve already had with your wife should have been enough to make her realise that she’s stepping over the line. I say this as gently as I can, but it should have been enough to prompt her to end the friendship without you asking.
The fact that she knows how much this hurting you and yet the behaviour continues is concerning. It’s not fair to you. You deserve far more respect and the care.
Listen to your intuition. Then think long and hard about what you want to happen next. It might be helpful to try marriage counselling. Or, you could try seeking some counselling yourself to process your feelings.
With so much on your mind please try to take good care of yourself. Eat well, exercise and make time for things you enjoy.
Kind thoughts to you