Am I Useless

[Grace0000]

My partner suffers from chronic undiagnosed pain and severe depression with suicidal thoughts.  He has gotten worse over the past few years. He has tried psychology many time and many different antidepressants with not much success.  He asked me a few years ago to learn how to critical think and ask questions better in an attempt to in turn help him to have a safe place at home to offload to me. I have not been successful at this. To begin with I was reluctant as I felt all he wanted to do was change me and I didn't feel that what he wanted was going to help him. As time has gone on he has become resentful and angry with me as my progress in being able to control my emotions when he melts down is very slow. When he's not doing so good he is hurtful and blames me for not doing better and that I don't prioritise him higher as I should. I don't feel this way. I feel that I really try hard to help him, by taking care of him in the ways I can. Which is cooking, cleaning, running the house, being attentive when he's not doing well. I don't know how to deal with the mental side of things and I just say the usual stuff like "I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so well, can I do something for you?" Then he gets angry because he thinks I should already know what to do and I should be able to just talk with him. Argh, I hope this makes sense. I feel so disgusting and useless. A waste of space. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Grace0000,  

We are sorry to hear that you and your partner are going through these challenges right now. Suicidal ideation and depression are incredibly tough for carers to manage, it is so very draining to be supporting someone even if we love them. It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post, but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience.  

It is so hard to know how best to support someone - hopefully there is some useful information for you here. Our advice is to be gentle with yourself, it sounds like you are doing the best you can in a really tough situation.
 
In a healthy relationship, you should be communicated with and treated with respect, so it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships. 
 
It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. 
 
We’re sure our warm and kind community will spot your post soon, some of whom may be able to relate to what you’re going through. Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story here. 
 
Kind regards, 
 
Sophie M

[Juliet_84]

Hi Grace,

Firstly, you are not useless at all, you are merely not a mind reader! I have suffered at various times in my life with chronic pain and I’ve always felt grateful for the people who were there for me trying their best. Your partner seems to have extremely high and unrealistic expectations that he puts on you, which isn’t fair. He may be in pain but he still can communicate with you in most circumstances (excluding things such as migraine etc). To help you with this though, I would suggest maybe trying to find patterns of things he needs when he’s unwell, does a heat pack help, does he like to be left alone, a magazine to make him feel better etc. but also remember that this isn’t a one-way street, he needs to also meet you half way and help you understand his situation and what he needs. Cooking, cleaning, running the house, and being attentive already sounds like you do quite a bit for him.