Confused & feeling used

[Suzie_Q]

Hi everyone, I feel so stupid. I let a guy into my life, he said all the right things to make me think things would work out. He stayed over and since then I’ve barely heard from him and I feel his attitude has changed towards me completely. He suffers with his own mental health and I’ve always supported him but I don’t feel like that’s a good enough excuse to mess around with someone’s feeling especially when he knows how I feel about him. I was so heartbroken because I could feel him slipping away, I cried in my bed and found it hard to breathe. I feel like I’m not good enough even though he says I’m too good for him. I don’t know what to believe. I’m kind of tired of putting my all into this guy and getting nothing in return, I’m mixed between being sad and angry now. I’m drinking alcohol tonight which I don’t even normally do but I feel like it makes me sort of relaxed. 
I love this guy so much and really have for like 9 years. 

[tranzcrybe]

"said all the right things to make me think"
Most of what we feel for someone actually emanates from our own heads - our thoughts and preconceptions are usually only reinforced by affirmation of what we truly want to believe.
I sense you have deep feelings for this person but these have not been reciprocated which has left you feeling frustrated and confused. This is understandable and you are now processing the reality of the situation in that horrible 'cold light of day' mindset: grieving for loss, and angry at the emotional investment. Hence, 'feeling stupid' (which has absolutely no basis in fact) is where you find yourself and I think it's great that you can identify things so accurately at this difficult time - it will pass, and acceptance shall prevail leaving you with greater understanding and resolve for the next encounter.
But rest assured that such feelings will be churning in the heart and mind of the departed - he too may have some epiphany regarding the poor decision he has made... in time.

[geoff]

Hello Suzie_Q, whether this chap has mental issues or not, I tend to believe you have been taken advantage of in some respects.

You may truly love him but perhaps it's unfortunately not reciprocated and alcohol may make you feel relaxed but eventually it can go that extra step and make you feel worse, sorry.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Heartbreaking to read what is happened to you in this relationship, and the effect it is having on you.  While not entirely what you refer to when you mentioned "things would work out", and what led to this, I feel you had a lot of feelings for him. And for him to avoid you is unhelpful. 

If he does have mental health issues, his saying that you are too good for him, might be true in his eyes at the moment. I wonder what other reasons might exist for the "slipping away"? Scared? Fear? I am only guessing. It is natural to blame ourselves when something goes wrong. 

As much as I am unsure what will happen, and you seem to be at a crossroads what to do, if you are looking for a sounding board, I can listen.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Suzie_Q,

You are not stupid at all, you were lied to and deceived by someone who led you to believe that they had genuine feelings for you. This person may even have genuine feelings for you, but this disappearing act shows that they most likely have something fundamentally wrong such as a fear of intimacy. I suspect they will do one of two things, they will either disappear without a trace having gotten what they wanted or you will cease contact with them and they will suddenly reappear in your life and begin this push-pull dynamic where you get too close and then they withdraw and so you give them space and they return again. I’m not sure how old you are and how much time you have to “waste” so to speak but it definitely seems for the best (as hard as that may be at the moment). These types of relationships have a tendency to destroy you over time and you end up wasting most of your good years chasing after someone who you can barely even really know. You mention that you’re tired of putting your all into a guy only to get nothing in return so I suggest you stop doing that. You need to take things slow in future and make sure that the person standing opposite you is at least matching your effort. The “slowing things down part” will weed out the guys who are just after a one-night stand as they won’t want to commit to the effort required to take you on dates etc so I’ve found it quite effective for weeding those people out.