Cheating on my husband with an ex online

[AnnRob]

I've been married for 15 years. Very happily married.
Last year in August an ex reached out via email as he'd just moved back to Australia. The last time I saw him was 17 years ago. He's married with two kids. We've only chatted via Whatsapp and email for the last 6 months. Early this year I was discussing this online connection with a friend and my husband discovered this. Naturally, he was very upset and we went through a rough patch. But we worked through it and we're getting there.
My problem is that I did not end this online relationship. Instead I got another phone and set up whatsapp on that. I'm just so overwhelmed with guilt as my husband is trying really hard and I'm continuing this on the side.
To make matters worse, this ex has now ceased communication and I'm upset and torn. I felt very alive and flattered with the flirtatious nature of our relationship and now I feel so empty.
My husband deserves better. Why am I doing this to him and myself?
I have beautiful children and a wonderful life. What is wrong with me?
I just keep contacting the ex. I can see he's online and he keeps ignoring me.
This is how our relationship ended 17 years ago. He just cut all ties. Why have I not learned from this? This is affecting all aspects of my life. I'm finding it hard to concentrate at work. I'm getting snappy with the kids. My poor husband doesn't understand why I'm weepy all the time.
Help me

[AnnRob]

Thank you everyone who took the time to share their thoughts. I have received so many insights and such good advice. I think the defining moment for me is the suggestion that I find something that is my own as AndyR suggested. I gave up my home country and career to come to Aus and a lot of my friends are overseas. I am truly defined by my marriage and family. I want something that is mine. My ex has been in touch again, but I've sought counselling on my own. It still hurts and the guilt is overwhelming. My husband and I are in a better place and I'm taking baby steps to freeing myself from my ex. I appreciate all of your responses. I do not have the courage to fess up to my husband yet and I'm not sure I will in the future.

I've taken to leaving my phone at work in the evenings and weekends - I know it's silly, but it works for me. Like I said - baby steps.

[IreneM]

Good on you Ann

I agree that it takes time to adjust and accept the fact that it can be over. Therefore baby steps are the best way to go to start off with.

Sometimes distancing yourself from who or what is hurting you can sometimes help. Find other ways to interest yourself, even if that is a hobby and when you're ready. This can help you feel more distracted from the problem, and help you to find another identity.

Relaxation can also help.

Take Care and check out the link on "Looking after Yourself" below.

Irene.

[white knight]

Well done Annrob,

You are making progress

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello AnnRob, it's always nice to hear back from the people we've offered support to, and baby steps mean taking one step at a time.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Maa]

Hi Ann

hugs your way for being strong. I haven’t contacted him in 2 weeks, not even a “hello”. It surprises me that our stories are so so similar. Seems like 2 people going through exactly the same situation. I am also talking baby steps, one day at a time and trying very very hard to resist the urge to text him. I have also migrated from overseas and my husband and kids are all I have in this country. I m thinking of seeing a gp and get a referral for a pysh as anything minor trigger my emotions and I fall into this dark hole of thinking and over analysis

[AnnRob]

Hi Maa

I spoke to my GP who I've known for years and I then went online and signed up for email counselling as I express myself better through writing. I'm finding that I am getting my power back, but it is still very much 1 step forward 2 steps back. But I keep reminding myself that my husband and my children are tangible, precious people while the ex is just a flirty message on a phone. I think the sheen is beginning to wear off.

Big hugs to you too..

[Maa]

I m happy to know that counseling is helping you. I might look for online counseling as well as I m good at expressing myself whilst writing. I am just angry because first he ghosted me and it makes me wonder that I wasn’t even worth a text or phone call and when I contacted him, he was like it was necessary as we were too emotionally invested but we can still stay in touch as friends. I am angry at myself for having no self respect that I kept texting him and he would just whenever it suited him give one word reply. I am angry that I wasted my emotions and cheated on my loving husband for an online ex. We had nothing physical just online flirt. Wht can’t i look at my marriage of 19 years, husband and kids and still cry and miss all that....I just don’t know, some days I m feeling ok but then other times I m a total mess. Two of my friends who live in other parts of the world know abt it and it’s of no help telling them everything as they think that how can you not get over it. It was just an online fling. I m glad I saw your post as I think you will understand what I am going through

[AnnRob]

OMG - our stories are so indeed alike. I also have friends overseas who have just said "block him" like that solves everything. I wish I could just erase the time I did start talking to him. I look at photos of times before he came on the scene and I was so happy. I cry when I read updates on FB of friends and their happy marriages. My husband dotes on me, buys me flowers every week, looks after me hand and foot - and I do this to him???

I so understand and I hope we can get strength from each other.

Hugs to you

[IreneM]

HI AnnROB and Maa

It's so good to see how much you two understand each other and may both be looking into online counselling.

Meanwhile why don't you also consider the "Staying Well" section of this forum. There's a thread there called: "Do you like Yourself?" This is a challenge for all of us. Even I hated myself for many years before I got my Psychological Therapy. So yes, many of us will relate to you both.

The "Looking after Yourself" link below is also worth checking out.

Irene.

[Maa]

My dear Ann

Hugs for u. I just came back from work and was hoping that u might have texted me. We might b lost twins or something, my husband is just adorable. He looks after me, cooks for me, let me sum it, he is perfect that friends envy us. My ex, he’s not good looking or some milti millionaire but I don’t know and neither can my friends understand why I fell again for him again. He is not bold or strong enough to watch my back if something went wrong. We didn’t end up getting married because he was too scared of his mum, whereas my loving husband fought with his family because he wanted me, but I m a complete idiot to overlook all this and miss his texts and cry over all his texts and make it tough for myself and my family. I went to a counsellor who thinks there is something wrong with my marriage but no one understands that it’s not the marriage. Maybe I was bored with my perfect marriage and he came into my life to wreck it all. Tell me more abt yourself, how r u coping. It helps when I read your replies