Broken relationship with my Mum
This is my first time posting here.
Im having a really hard time at the moment. My mum is no longer talking to me and has asked me to move out and live with my grandparents, she has blocked my number and refuses to have any communication with me.
In order to make sense I guess I need to explain why. My mum absolutely despises my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Prior to our relationship we were both in relationships. He was in a very unhappy marriage that resulted in a divorce and I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years with whom my mum absolutely loved and adored despite the fact he was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me. She would refer to him as "the son she never had".
I met met my current boyfriend a while ago through my family as our dads were business partners. We bonded extremely well and we started as friends. We would console each other and eventually him and I formed a romantic relationship. Unfortunately a few months down the track my current partners father passed away. Long story short things got ugly between families, because unfortunately money makes people ugly. From then on my mum made an extra effort to make sure I never saw him. They would track my phone to see where I was going, they would follow my car to see if I was meeting him, I would be verbally abused and called a home wrecker.
Very long story short, I ended up moving to my grandparents and because I was gone for a while my mum became desperate to get me back that she decided to tell me that if he makes me happy then I am welcome to bring him over. I brought him over and things were fine for a little while but then my mum started taking digs at him. He could never do anything right, everything he did annoyed her, she would constantly say he's trying to take me away from my family (which he wasnt, if anything I started to pull away because I was tired of the comments). My boyfriend and my mum spoke together one day for hours and they seemed to come to an agreement, my boyfriend told her that he hopes she never starts an argument again. He even told her that if she wants him to walk away from me to let him know now. She said she didnt want him to.
Months down the track my mum started to pick things again, my boyfriend found out and confronted her. He was tired of it all. She told me to choose between her and my boyfriend. I dont want to choose. So she has kicked me out. Any help would be great?
well you have been through a lot of stress. Life is hard enough without unnecessary behaviour that you are enduring.
From the outset your mum is breaking some parental rules. Making you choose between her and your boyfriend is a form of emotional blackmail that is unacceptable and if she was putting your feelings first instead of hers, she wouldn’t say it.
Your mother’s comment about your last boyfriend “the son I never had” confirms to me her choice for you for a partner, but it is your choice that matters- surely she chose her own partner when she was your age?
I can’t say I’m impressed by your account of your mums behaviour. Some parents treat their adult children as an extension of themselves, forever trying to carve out your life for you.
I can’t say I have the exact answer for you. I had similar issues and it was only when I reached 54yo that I had to remove her from my life after she ruined my wedding in 1985 and threatened to ruin my second wedding in 2011. I haven’t seen her for 9 years. I’m 63yo now she 89yo. I will not see her again.
So things can get worse or they can get better. To try and make it better I can suggest you introduce meetings at a cafe, alone, and try to slowly present to her some boundaries like- he is my partner, my choice no yours. If you do not like him too bad. If you’d like to continue our relationship you are my mum but you need to respect my choices.
Such discussions need to be carried out calmly and low volume of voice.
Otherwise a family counselor might help. In that case see your doctor.
I hope you are ok
Thank you for your reply. I guess it is just such a difficult situation because my mum has always been my best friend. I am constantly feeling like a horrible person because my mum has always been there for me, although looking back sometimes I feel like her love is conditional. I would love to build a relationship back up with her, without having to leave my partner.
We want our parents to be perfect but they are human like us.
A parent can be great in many ways but terrible in one or two areas that makes them disfunctional.
At meetings with her you could say just that- “mum, you have been a close friend to me, you have been wonderful but with this issue, your non acceptance of my choice of partner, you spoil it all. You had your choice of partner, this is my time, my choice and I’d love your support as my partner would”
With regular meetings she might change. If she doesn’t, then that is not your responsibility nor your fault.
Sorry it took me a while to respond. A lot has been going on in regards to this situation. Because I am living with my grandparents my mum has been calling me every night crying, telling me I'm making a huge mistake and ultimately putting the guilt trip on me to completely just leave the relationship.
Some time has passed and my mum has now agreed that it's okay for me to come home, under the condition that I never mention his name, he isn't allowed to step foot in my house and that I need to be aware that everyday she will hope he's not around one day. I don't know if this is progress...I think I'm just desperate by this point
unfortunately I don’t have a crystal ball so none of us know what she will do next.
I can say what I’d do- imo it isn’t long enough time frame of you being away from her to prove she has changed and the evidence she has provided also proves she will not approve of you’re choices.
Sadly this is her problem. You are not the problem. This situation is not dissimilar to say a white Aussie girl dating an Indian or indigenous person or even same sex. Your life, your choice.