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Can trust come back? (Cyber cheating)

Community Member

So, I moved to Australia from England last January which was a massive thing for me& in Feb I started dating an Australian guy who I'd met on tinder. We straight away clicked & both fell in love quickly. He was always very loving of me, always complimenting, telling me I could do so much better & that he couldn't believe I liked him. I always felt that maybe he didn't trust my feelings towards him. Altho they were definitely real. After dating him for a while, we both realised each others insecurities. Hes a very underconfident man with not many friends (due to social anxiety)This caused a few arguments. Usually a lack of communication/not realising the other was feeling sad/taking things personally. Despite this, we got on really well, have very similar interests, humour etc. When we were having good days we were having really good days! He made me feel special &I could tell I did too. We lived together which probably was probably a bit of a bad rush decision. Anyway, a few months on, I realised that if I wanted to stay in Australia, Id need to do 3 months farm work. This decision caused tension in our relationship. Working @ a farm meant that I had to live at a hostel about 1hr away from him which he found very hard. Especially knowing I was living with other guys who I got on really well with. I could tell he was jealous/insecure about it but never really said anything. He'd see photos of me having a good time with them during the week & when I came back on the weekends there would be so much pressure for us to have a great time so we often ended up arguing again. 1 week, it got really bad between us that we almost broke up. & 1 night when I was back at his, I saw on his phone that he had tinder again & sent messages to girls in the last week, whenever he was drunk. Obviously this left me very upset,I ended things straight away.
He promised me he never actually met anyone in real life, only had it for the last weeks when things were really rocky between us. His reasoning was cos he felt he needed some extra reassurance from another source as he felt he wasnt getting it from me anymore. He felt a break up was imminent &felt I was having more fun at the hostel.
I still love him,I know he loves me. Despite what he did. Hes 100% suffered for it.
But do I believe that it was related to his mental health/insecurities/trust issues?
He's broken my trust but is it worth trying to forgive him& try again? Can any1 give me any advice on this pls? I feel lost 😞

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hello eleanoraf 18

It sounds like whirlwind relationship over a very short span of time. I have to confess that I am an elderly fellow that has never used Tinder or any of the modern dating apps. My advice may not fit with your mindset but I promise you what I write is authentic from my heart.

In answer to your specific questions.

Is it worth trying to forgive him and try again? Probably not. It appears to me there are too many hurdles in your relationship. This romance can't be more than about 6 - 8 weeks duration or already there is emotional problems dealing with insecurities, trust and low self esteem (on his part). This early period in a relationship should be the exciting, thrilling time before life's big responsibilities intrude. If I could live my life over again, I would have abandoned some of my early relationships that showed cracks in those early months. Life would have been a lot smoother.

I still love him, I know he loves me. I'm sure you are incredibly fond of each other and I can see how both of you would be looking forward to building the relationship into something bigger and stronger but I doubt you are experiencing the deep true love that binds you to a person forever. It's easy to get the two types of love confused. I certainly did in my younger days.

Ultimately, only you can make the decision to stick by your man and hope that these early stumbles fade away. Just remember, you only have one life and choosing a romantic partner should be done with care. Hold high to your standards and see if he can meet them. If he cannot, you have your answer.

Hello eleanoraf 18,

from what you describe, it sounds like your partner might be an anxious attachment style who needs a lot of reassurance and closeness to feel comfortable in the relationship. I could be wrong but I would suggest maybe reading up on attachment styles. That might really help you to understand what category he may, to some degree, fall into. Through that understanding, you might find really good ways how to deal with it and manage the relationship if you go back. But trust is something the grows through positive experiences, so I would suggest to speak about exactly that with your partner. He would need to understand how you feel and what you need, and in return, he can tell you what he may need.

Best of luck!!