Break up after over 5 years

[EmmyK]

Hello.

im very new to this, but I need help because I don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend and I of 5 years broke up yesterday morning. I knew things had been strained with us for the past few months, on occasion, but I didn’t realise it was this bad. We had plans to leave for Europe for a holiday tomorrow.

He broke up with me. And I guess part of me, deep deep down knew it would happen one day, but definitely not now. When I say things were strained, they still were reasonably normal. He still would tell me he loved me and would always try and make me happy, but I guess it wasn’t all sincere.

I just really need help. He’s been my rock for so long, was even a pull bearer for my mums funeral. I don’t know if I can live without him, because I love him so much. Even before him, I had always had someone in my life and had never been single for more than a couple of months since Highschool.

Has anyone else been through something like this? I need advice on how to cope. Also we are meeting up today to discuss everything. I’m terrified.

[geoff]

hello Emmy, firstly I'm very sorry this has happened the day before leaving to go o/s, but it concerns me when you say it 'would happen one day'.
This doesn't necessarily have to be that way, but there have been problems between you two over a few weeks/months, and the reason being it could be something that you both disagree on but a settlement hasn't been reached.
If it was his decision to break up then his kind gestures made towards you don't mean that he could possibly love you, I'm sorry to say and I know that must hurt you.
If the trip was for tomorrow then are you able to get a refund, although this may not be your greatest concern at the moment, maybe it is for him, however I would like to know how your talk with goes, whether it clears up any misunderstanding or whether he has made up his mind.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, but please get back to us. Geoff.

[EmmyK]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for replying to me.

A couple of days ago, Chris and I both spoke again about what we want, and I believe that he is having second thoughts about ending things. He did say that he was willing to try again when I got back from the holiday (which my amazing sister managed to come with me last minute) and there is a huge part of me that wants to believe that everything will work out, because I love him and he said he still loves me, but I just don’t know how we’re going to fix this, if I’ll ever be able to truly forgive him, and if he’s entirely committed to fixing it or if he’s still just not sure.

I sent him an email before our flight on Tuesday night telling him that if he’s prepared to put in the effort, and to make a lot of changes, that we can fix this. I told him that I won’t try and talk to him while I’m away so that he can really think about what he wants, and I can think about everything. Not talking to him is so hard because we always talk, every single day for 5 and a half years we have talked to each other and he’s always made me feel better. I am a total mess, to put things lightly.

Right now I am replying to you at my hotel room in Paris, I just can’t sleep. I’ve barely slept since Sunday and I don’t know how to calm my heart from beating out of my chest.

[TinyDancer2017]

Hi Emmy,

Wow - that really sucks. I went through a similar thing last year (breakup after 4 yrs) and in the past have experienced the not being sure/back and forth kind of conversations.

I also went through the 'if you are willing to change, put in the effort' conversation with my ex... and it probably prolonged the relationship by about a year. But at the end of the day, people don't really change in my experience. If you do stay together, he will still be the person that broke up with you the day before you were supposed to fly to Europe... that puts a lot of insecurity/trust issues into the mix too.

I'm sorry I can't give you any real advice, as every situation is different. But the fact that you went away with your sister is a really positive sign - you are independent, adventurous and good at self-care. You fight through setbacks and challenging situations, and can turn to important people in your life (your sister) when you need to. All these qualities make me sure you're going to be okay, whatever happens with this relationship.

Please do post again and let us know how you're getting on.