Boyfriend won't stop lying

[Guest_17055349]

So I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (we are both 19) and he has lied to me many many times during that time. He has told me that he is a compulsive liar and can't fix it. 

He lies about a lot and has even cheated on me but I feel like I can't live without him now and need him here. I don't know what to do and just need some advice because all my friends tell me to leave him but I'm scared to. I don't want to keep being lied to but he says that he will change. 

I found out again yesterday that he was lying about something important and it really hurt since it was my sister's 18th and my pop has just passed, so much is happening and he still lies and I don't know what to do at all. 

any advice is appreciated but I am very sensitive atm •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, at this sad time you would be sensitive and fragile.

A wise old man once said "dont be so obsessed with her, did you know you can fall in love with one in 50 women?" I'm now the old man but it stuck to me and that was about my first love. I've lived with 3 more since and all have been over 7 years long and fallen in love with each of them. So, I'd say he was right.

However it isnt helpful ATM because you are mourning your pop. On the same token we shouldnt hide the facts. If we fall in love with someone, seemingly perfect, they only need one major flaw to send us to sadness and incompatibility. It could be gambling, alcoholism, poor financial management or even stubbornness. For that reason we need to be honest and direct with ourselves. 

"He will change" sorry, its part of his make up, its highly unlikely until say 35yo or never. 

So I have to ask you- can you tolerate a partner that cheats on you? Do you think you deserve better? These are the questions to ask yourself, not ask questions to him.

I'm sorry to give you this sad news, but seek ot your support from others. Your friends are right and they love you enough to tell the truth.

Again, I'm sorry about your pop.

TonyWK

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, trust me. I understand you have quite a bit you're carrying right now. I'm sorry to hear about your pop. I hope you speak to someone you trust and allow yourself to take it easy and grieve. 

Honestly, you don't need negativity in your life. You deserve to be with someone who you can trust and who respects you enough to be honest to you. It sounds like your boyfriend has not changed already and since this has been going on for quite some time, I'd say it isn't likely he will change. I hear you, it sounds scary to end the relationship, but you need to realise that you deserve to know the truth and not be cheated on or lied to. You're worth more than that. At the end of the day, we can't tell you what you should/should not do, it is up to you how you want to take our advice from here.

Keep reaching out on here and to your friends. Hope everything goes well for you.

Kind regards,

PsychDiaries 

[Hopeless]

Im sorry your in that position ive been there myself long ago,but your so young which makes it hard.All i can say is you know in your heart you cant trust this person as youve said. Trust is the most important part of a relationship.Having been in your situation you spend all your time questioning and wondering and its toxic thats no way to live and from my experience it doesnt ever change only gets worse. Be good to yoursef do what you know is best for you.I wish you all the very best you deserve to have trust in a relationship.

[Tugboat]

you are still young and have many years ahead.  He will not change and will only make your life miserable.  Ask him to get help and meet up with again later on in life to see how things pan out.  Best for you to move on, you won’t realise how life is meant to be blues you move on.  Good luck x

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you.❤️

It's understandable that ending such a long relationship would be so challenging for you when you're already experiencing a sense of grief, with you pop's passing. My heart goes out to you so much. 

If you appoint your partner the role of 'He who is honest and reliable' and he regularly dis-appoints himself from this role through his words and actions, it's fair for you to question how many times you want to continue feeling the disappointments. It's so important to remain conscious of how the scales can eventually become tipped toward a depressing level of disappointment. This is something to remain careful of. I'm wondering whether your friends are perhaps sensing things heading in this direction.

On one hand he says he can't fix it and on the other hand he says he will change. Unless he has serious plans to change, talk of change remains just talk while nothing changes. If he was to say 'I am seeing someone (such as a therapist) who can help me understand exactly why I lie and how to stop doing it' the outcome may be different. Unless he is desperate enough and has serious plans, I think you face more disappointment ahead of you in the relationship. You deserve so much better than that.

As a sensitive person, when we can start to sense dread in our relationship, sense sadness, sense heartbreak, regular disappointment, mistrust and more, there's a choice to be made. When what we sense is telling us our relationship is somewhat dreadful, saddening, heartbreaking, disappointing, untrustworthy etc, there's the choice to listen or go on suffering through what we sense. If you do decide to end the relationship, you perhaps need to alert your friends to the fact that you need them to become super sensitive. They need to be able to gain an incredibly strong sense of what you need while you're transitioning through the loss of the relationship. It's not enough for them to tell you to end the relationship and then leave you alone to work through things by yourself.❤️