Boyfriend going on a camping trip with both our friends without me

[emilyyy1]

So my boyfriend has just said no to me going on a camping trip in a few weeks as he wanted it to be a “boys weekend” and some time away.  but it’s not actually a boys weekend there is a few girlfriends(I’m friends with) and a few single girls( I’m friends with) going. Now I fully understand he wants too go on a boys weekend but if that’s the case and all my friends are going it’s not that fair. More the fact Because everyone I hang out with will be up there to and I’ll be at home by myself . I’ve said this to him and he said hmm and changed the subject. I really want too go and I’ve been invited up by all of people too. What do I do. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Setting boundaries and conditions of your relationship is vital for a long term love bond. In the early stages of any relationship once it gets serious eg agreeing you are boyfriend/girlfriend. Such a bond means you have obligations and boundaries in order to keep each other satisfied. You also have rights, the right to trust, communication, accountability and the like. Aligning all of these differences is hard to do but if they come natural and easy then it can lead to forging a more permanent relationship.

However, some couples dont get far with these agreements and cracks appear. This seems to me to be the type of hiccup that you're facing. Such a misalignment of values should be assessed and discussed otherwise, as you are now, you're going to feel devalued and suspicion can enter. Eg why would he behave this way? Is he just using me? Is he interested in someone else that is going along? Frankly this turmoil you are experiencing has to be put to bed by asking him direct questions and him answering to your satisfaction. If they are not answered to a high level then your relationship may need reconsideration.

I hope it works out and feel free to reply and keep us up to date.

TonyWK

[emilyyy1]

Hi, so we have been together for nearly 4 years. I tried to talk to him and he said hmm and changed the subject. 

[geoff]

Hello Emily, a boy's week end means exactly that, it doesn't mean that other girls are allowed to go, but that's precisely what's going to happen, but this shouldn't happen and I know how disappointed you must feel, so I would be firm with him and say you are going to this w/end and join the other girls or the relationship is over, because if this is what he was wanting to be away with other girls, then his love for you means nothing.

These other girls are friends of yours and they too shouldn't be allowing this to happen if they are true friends, so I would be thinking about who are your friends and who you can trust, I'm sorry.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[white knight]

You might try to aim for more confidence in your approach to the problem in that if you are dissatisfied with his approach to this imagine in years to come. The saying goes, "give an inch and take a mile" meaning if you allow him to dictate terms of the relationship then he always will. 

I agree with Geoff, reconsider your future if you are unhappy. The reason this is so impoertant is that his attitude is a fundamental flaw.

I hope it works out.

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hello emilyyy1,

Thank you so much for reaching out and asking for support – it can take a lot of courage and vulnerability to share how we feel in our relationship, can’t it?

We can see how much this situation is upsetting you and it’s understandable that you would be feeling left out. It seems like clear communication and a conversation about your needs might be very helpful here – it may even be helpful to check in with him too and see what his needs are in this situation. Often, an open discussion (where you give each other some time to be heard) can really shift some of that unresolved tension we experience in our relationship.

If it is helpful, you are more than welcome to reach out to our 24/7 support service on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat. This way, you can talk to one of our counsellors about all of this in more detail and learn some helpful coping strategies. In the meantime, we hope that our community can provide some further support and ideas that you might be able to take away and reflect upon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Juliet_84]

Hi emilyyy1,

Welcome to the forums, and I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. Your boyfriend’s response is concerning on a number of fronts: 1) it doesn’t make sense, he has said that he wants a boy’s weekend but it’s not a boys weekend at all, other girls are going. Which means that he’s being dishonest about something, and you need to figure out why. It may be that he wants some time away from you and the relationship, which isn’t a great sign. Or he may be interested in another girl who is going on this weekend away (or both). The other thing that’s concerning is that when you counter with a logical argument his response is “hmmm” and changed the subject, which is at best manipulative and at worst deliberately deceptive. Life is full of difficult topics and to have a successful relationship you need to be able to talk about issues openly and without being shut down, which he has essentially done. If it was me, I’d let him have his “boys weekend” but I’d be enlisting one of your friends to find out what’s going on as it doesn’t seem like he’s going to be open and honest with you. But I would be questioning the future of this relationship if those are the sort of tactics you have to resort to to get some insight.