Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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DaisyP Lost and broken after partner left me to sort his mental health out.
  • replies: 3

Hello all, My partner of all together 4 years decided to call it quits with me about 6 weeks ago now. His reasons were around his recent job loss, he lost everything he had worked towards and life broke him and he lost himself in the process. I under... View more

Hello all, My partner of all together 4 years decided to call it quits with me about 6 weeks ago now. His reasons were around his recent job loss, he lost everything he had worked towards and life broke him and he lost himself in the process. I understood this as I was there through everything supporting him financially, emotionally mentally etc because I knew we would eventually get out of this and things would be better. But instead he opted for a complete reset of his life to find himself again and unfortunately for me this meant throwing away our life that we were building. This obviously shattered me, we packed up our house and parted ways after a week of this decision, and then came the rush of roller caster emotions. Sometimes Id lash out because of how much pain I was and still am in and question everything. His words were starting to not match his actions. He started erasing me from his social media and also stopped talking to me as often but still told me he was in love with me and that I am still the one for him, but then all that would do is confuse me because how do you do this to someone you are in love with? How can you be ok with erasing them completely. I feel like I meant nothing too him and that our relationship meant nothing if he could get rid of me this easily and quickly, although he claims this was the hardest decision he had ever made and that there was no other way to ensure that he could get better. We have now started no contact and how do you go from talking to the same person everyday for 4 years, seeing them, sleeping with them, being intimate etc to nothing? He said the relationship wasn't the problem and that he was happy with me but was unhappy with the rest of his life, so then why leave me? I am struggling mentally even though I have supports in place, nothing seems to alleviate my anxiety or the pain of grieving the loss of the life we were building together. I am trying to move on and heal and work on myself and I have been hanging out with friends and family but I only miss him more in those moments. None of this stops the unhappiness I feel in the pit of my soul having to live my life without him apart of it. I have constant intrusive thoughts of him moving on with other women and it kills me. I feel like he is happier without me and that I am the only one suffering because it all seemed too easy for him to just forget me. I don't know how to just let go and leave things to chance.

Roblee25 Feeling Confused
  • replies: 6

Hi. I'm new to this forum. Wanting to share and seek advice. I have enabled my adult son for years, lending him money, financially bailing him out constantly. Have even gone bankrupt. It's never enough. I have recently got a loan for him and his wife... View more

Hi. I'm new to this forum. Wanting to share and seek advice. I have enabled my adult son for years, lending him money, financially bailing him out constantly. Have even gone bankrupt. It's never enough. I have recently got a loan for him and his wife to consolidate their car loans. Payments coming from his account. He has let me down and not making the weekly payments. My husband and I trying to keep our heads above water. He just never gives up asking for money. He works in a very high paid job earning over double what I do. Money is like water through his hands. I have said enough is enough. He has asked again, for something that would benefit my grandson for his chosen sport. I have said no. The response I have gotten is the following Please don't contact us for a while...respect our wishes. I love my 3 beautiful grandkids and they love us. He wont let me video chat or even talk over the phone. It breaks my heart. This is the second time he has done this to me. He is controlling and displays narcissistic behaviour. If he can't control me and get what he wants, this is what he does. I have constantly been walking on egg shells, giving in to his demands, not wanting to risk my connection with my grandkids. Now it seems I have lost it all and I don't know where to turn or what to do.

Fiatlux Dysfunctional Family
  • replies: 6

This is probably going to be more a rant than anything else. After my father passed away on 2011 I severed ties with toxic family, including my narcissistic mother, older brother and younger sister. My older sister just decided to severe ties with ev... View more

This is probably going to be more a rant than anything else. After my father passed away on 2011 I severed ties with toxic family, including my narcissistic mother, older brother and younger sister. My older sister just decided to severe ties with everyone. My fathers funeral hadn’t even happened yet but my siblings were squabbling over money. It all started with a fight over who would get Dad’s car as my mother doesn’t drive. So, this week my younger sister and brother pop back into my life via my estranged husband. I felt sick to the stomach when my ex husband contacts me to tell me all about it. Like he enjoys triggering my ptsd and anxiety. Trying their hardest to send me into a guilt trip over my ageing mothers health issues. Now I have never been close to my mother so cutting her out seemed easy as I rarely ever spoke to her even when dad was alive. She definitely took absolutely no interest in me, my children and wasn’t at all supportive knowing that I was in a very abusive marriage. She told me that I made my bed and I can sleep in it. She also told me to never confide in my father as he had enough concerns with my siblings and didn’t need my problems too. So, I endured it alone with absolutely no family support. My siblings speak to my former husband like they are all best buddies despite never liking each other when we were married. So sorry for the long rant, but I am back on anxiety medication over this. My brother attacked me on social media a few years back about my selfishness for abandoning my mother. All my Dads family saw this. My brother is gutless to speak to me face to face or even on the telephone. My brother lives overseas most of the year. Not once have any of my family reached out sincerely. Any contact was all about them. So I asked my ex husband if my siblings have asked how I was? Absolutely Not. They carried on about their own lives and health issues. It’s just the same old, same old. I am just so upset that this has me back on meds when I was doing better. I have every right to cut off toxic people. I owe it to myself.

Always_worried Help with daughters lack of empathy
  • replies: 3

Hi All This is my first time posting on here but I just am stuck and really don’t know where else to go for help. My daughter has for the past 2 1/2 years had an eating disorder and all of my and her partner of 4 years energy has been put into watchi... View more

Hi All This is my first time posting on here but I just am stuck and really don’t know where else to go for help. My daughter has for the past 2 1/2 years had an eating disorder and all of my and her partner of 4 years energy has been put into watching and guiding her (with the help of professionals) to help her get on top of what is a horrible disease. She during the last part of last year was then also put on some antidepressants to help with anxiety (of which I also suffer from) My issue now is that in the last few months she has been pulling away from both of us and berating us for asking about her and generally caring for her well being. Last week she abruptly ended her 4 year relationship stating that she just doesn’t care or love her partner anymore. Our mother/daughter relationship is also suffering as I try and guide her through an uncertain time and she pushes away preferring to go out with her girlfriends (who didn’t have anything to do with her whilst she was at her lowest) and them telling me to back off and leave her to live while they celebrate “having their friend back” My question is do I sit back and watch this and assume that it is part of her recovery or is she just self sabotaging in another way? I am beyond worried to the point where my own mental health is suffering and I continually argue with her which ends with both of us getting upset. Any advice would be greatly received always worried

Jo97 Loneliness and hopelessness after separation
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I am struggling to cope with being alone after a separation. Its been nearly 4 months and I feel completely lost. I don't have anyone I can call or visit at any time - the loneliness is unbearable. I have no hope and feel disconnected from everything... View more

I am struggling to cope with being alone after a separation. Its been nearly 4 months and I feel completely lost. I don't have anyone I can call or visit at any time - the loneliness is unbearable. I have no hope and feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I feel no joy, nothing good.

DDs She cheated with her brother in law for 10 years
  • replies: 8

Hi first time poster, thanks in advance for any advice. I just did discovered a few days ago my wife of 30 years has had a long term relationship with her brother in law. I think for 10+ years. I am absolutely heart broken and experiencing the full g... View more

Hi first time poster, thanks in advance for any advice. I just did discovered a few days ago my wife of 30 years has had a long term relationship with her brother in law. I think for 10+ years. I am absolutely heart broken and experiencing the full gambit of emotions plus physical symptoms not eating, not sleeping and confusion. I found out by finally having the guts to address the issue. I expected somethingwas up, so I looked at her phone a few days ago. She has been deeply in love with him and talks to him almost daily. I have had my issues over the last few year's, health wise I put on a lot of weight and mentally I have struggled with addiction. But in the last two years I no longer abuse substances and I have got fit and healthy again and lost the weight. I can see she has started to pull away from him and taking a new interest in me. I am so conflicted and confused now. I know she will say i changed and it's my fault so am mentally prepared to not accept that narrative. I also think if she wasn't happy with me she could have talked to me and supported me instead of running into his arms. So it's her brother in law...i think this type of affair is the worst kind because it's emotional, physical and in the family. Her sister is very successful and the have two children one with special needs, he's a keped man, attractive, the life of the party and I have always thought a player. He's prayed on her weakness and groomed her in my opinion. What can I do, I know there will be varing opinions? I haven't outed them yet, I haven't spoken to her yet... It's just so difficult for me. I love her like no one else, I can't imagine life without her. We have two adult children who need us and I will destroy her sisters family not to mention the special needs child. I almost want to see where this leads to see if she does in fact end it, then confront her....or if she continues I will just out them. I know it's hard to image staying with her but it's how I feel in my heart... I had my issues for a few years did I push her away. For clarity I never cheated on her, I have never hit or abused her in any way... I am a good man who had to work very hard to raise my family.. I resented her for not working I had to travel a lot to make better money, that started the downward spiral for me...i wish she had of just discussed it with me instead of running to him. The next step for me is so difficult to face I have just got my life, career and mental health back on track.

white knight Accepting minor flaws in a partner
  • replies: 3

I'm 66yo, the advantage of being older is - it's easier to accept minor flaws in a partner. You learn a few things over time- to realise that your own flaws are just as irritating to others, that you cant change others from their character, personali... View more

I'm 66yo, the advantage of being older is - it's easier to accept minor flaws in a partner. You learn a few things over time- to realise that your own flaws are just as irritating to others, that you cant change others from their character, personality and any other trait that's in their DNA. There is an infinite number of flaws humans have, when dealing with humans we are so individualistic that each situation is different, there is no hard and fast rule for couples. So I'll just give you a few examples of this to give you some idea of the dilemma we can find ourselves in- My wife of 10 years has a few flaws, as I do. I cook the meals and once cooked I'll call her and...waiting...waiting, no matter what, she has to finish whatever she is doing which usually are things she can delay like using a computer screen saver or stop weeding and resume later. So I resorted to calling her 10 minutes early and still I waited. So I began to eat my meal anyway and that was a lonely affair lol. See I am laughing as I tell you these things, 20 years ago I'd be off to the family counsellor! She also gets distracted. Once we were going out, dressed up we approached our car. Then in a flash she was gone. I went back inside, searched around and found her on the other side of the car pulling out a few weeds. Not only did she do something unexpected, she didnt tell me she was going to vanish. To balance the account, she has told me that (along with my bipolar moods) that I'm the most difficult person to "read". With the moods swings she never knows what mood I'm in, I'm not always aware I'm depressed for the first few hours or manic for a day or so. In fact my only indication of any mania is that I walk faster and only realise that because I tend to puff a lot more. I think the best transformation in this area of acceptance of your partners flaws is seeing the funny side. Now whenever she gets distracted I say "oh, we are weeding again are we". We both laugh about it. In fact this routine of laughter has become so amusing I've grown to be endearing towards that part of her nature. The longer we are together the more I expect the unexpected. For the last 3 months she has been occupied in our study doing "stuff". Today she presented me with 15 copies of my book of poems. I sat there in amazement flicking through 300 poems I'd written over 35 years complete with pictures. Laughing at another flaws can be a positive. Do you find it hard to accept another's flaws? TonyWK

MummaPetal Full time work struggle
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Hello Last year I returned to the workforce after a long break being a stay at home mum. I loved it. However I had to return to work to support my child and myself after separating from my husband. I don't have much of a village and cannot afford to ... View more

Hello Last year I returned to the workforce after a long break being a stay at home mum. I loved it. However I had to return to work to support my child and myself after separating from my husband. I don't have much of a village and cannot afford to pay for home help I have been advised by my employer that they cannot offer me flexible work arrangements due to the business needs and eventually want me to work in the office full-time. I'm already exhausted now and cannot imagine trying to manage on reduced work/life balance. My exhaustion is both physical and mental. I want to work but I'm feeling overwhelmed with having to make a decision on my next step. I don't know where to go but I just want somewhere that's secure, part-time or flexible. I'm thinking that I should not have tried returning to the corporate world. I went back to the industry I was in prior to going on maternity leave. I want to have the flexibility to still feel like I can be part of the school community and not have to rely on before and after school care each day and be able to do some drop offs and pick ups. I'll be grateful for any advice from anyone or knows someone who has gone through a similar situation. Thanks.

jim222 life doesn’t feel the same, i probably need help but just can’t be bothered getting it
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i use to be very happy kid, always willing to help people and try my best, life went down hill after a couple failed relationships, i tell myself i have things to be great-full for but sometimes those low feelings get the best of me, i can’t sleep un... View more

i use to be very happy kid, always willing to help people and try my best, life went down hill after a couple failed relationships, i tell myself i have things to be great-full for but sometimes those low feelings get the best of me, i can’t sleep until i exhaust myself by staying up, then i wake up and think about the things i’ve done wrong and the cycle continues, i try getting exercise but sometimes i just don’t feel up to it, i know i might need help but i’d rather not go that route, i feel as if i start getting better then i just remember things that hurt, i try talk to people but they have there own issues too and it’s not fair for me to always rely on them, idk what to do and everyday feels the same, i started trying to get better for one person then they left and that’s when i noticed maybe i need to get better for myself but then i just get dragged back into that hole i tried so hard to dig myself out off

PetaG123 At wits end
  • replies: 5

Hello I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time. Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but... View more

Hello I am desperate to just leave my partner and adult children as feel continually abused verbally and belittled all the time. Recently finally let them know in an outburst of how I was feeling. For a few weeks they were on their best behaviour but now it is all starting again. For years now I have kept quiet as I am just vilified more as the person with problem. I am not allowed to have an opposing opinion on anything otherwise made to feel stupid and uneducated. I am constantly ranting to myself at home or driving when alone as the hurt and anger is at boiling point. I keep making the mistake of helping our children financially and doing things for them. Then just treated as their punching bag. My partner has verbally abused me in front of not just our children but others as well. I have got to the point of just disappearing but I am in my mind 50s and have not worked for years due to depression and anxiety. I love my family dearly but do not feel that in return as the constant hurt they inflict makes me feel how they can care for a person but keep attacking them. I have started fighting back but only to escalate things. Honestly feel like a pressure cooker and scared.