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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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OpinionsNeeded Wife/mother struggling with everything and concealing diagnosed condition
  • replies: 4

Hi, I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote: My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, whi... View more

Hi, I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote: My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, which is one of great kindness, empathy and grace. Now she seeks conflict at every turn, especially with me, but also with our three-year-old daughter. It was only when I raised the possibility of contacting child protection that my wife dialled down the screaming at her, and while it still occasionally surfaces, it is far less sustained than it was in the past. I have put it to her that she may be facing mental health issues but she has been resistant to that and turns it back on me. I have spoken to a range of counsellors and doctors describing her behaviour, and they agree she meets the criteria for mental health problems but naturally can’t diagnose without seeing her themselves. Meanwhile my wife acts insulted and outraged each time I suggest we tackle this together, even suggesting I am trying to undermine her social standing (she is originally Chinese and subscribes strongly to the notion of ‘saving face’, which I feel potentially adds an extra layer of complexity). Her memory is often distorted, forgetting things that happened or were told her, or recalling things that never transpired (either that or my own memory is faulty). She is disengaged from life, although she does enjoy lovely moments with our child when things are calmer. At my wife’s behest we are not a family as I’m excluded from almost everything - we’re not even permitted to take family meals because I would be a ‘distraction’. I care for our daughter until 12pm daily and she knows something is wrong and says her mother’s anger makes her ‘tired’. This concerns me a lot. Recently I felt that after 2.5 years of this I was justified in looking at her emails to try to gain some insight. It turned out the top email was to a counsellor, discussing ‘darker thoughts than ever’, a ‘chaotic mind’ and ‘mental vacuum’. She expressed despair at the state of the world, the CCP, Covid and her family’s future in CN. She also said she was on an increased dose of an antidepressant called Lexapro. I don’t know how long she has been taking medication. Either way she has evidently been diagnosed with a condition that she is not revealing to me. I understand it’s beyond my wife’s control, but I must admit I’m running out of ideas if she won’t let me help her.

nib Hurt.
  • replies: 6

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my di... View more

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my diet and exercise. I decided to visit back in May some time with the assumption that my father made for me to ponder over, that she wanted me to reconcile with her. I rang the doorbell to find that she was not impressed to see me at all. I thought that maybe visiting her and trying to talk with her about the fact that she called me overweight had affected me negatively, but instead she deflected the situation onto me and played the victim, which is typical behaviour from her. Her claim is that I am abusive to her although when I confronted her about that she was unable to provide any evidence of me behaving in such a way. I also just wanted an apology for her calling me overweight and for the fact that she abused me over the phone at the beginning of last year. I got cross with her after she dismissed my feelings because I was hurt by how condescending she was towards me. She told either my mother or father that if we attend her house again she will put restraining orders against my mother and I, even though the pair of us have done nothing wrong and nothing to her. My grandmother has also threatened to get a Maori woman in out family to beat up my mum and I. I decided to call SAPOL against my mother's will at this point and the lady I spoke to was friendly and put in a report and recommended that I seek advice from a police officer at a police station. Her daughter, who is my aunt, as well as a cousin of mine, blocked my mother and I on Facebook out of sheer pettiness. Pathetic, really. My grandmother, who I should mention is a SOCIAL WORKER has previously been verbally and physically abusive to me. I recall being on a holiday with her and she belted me repeatedly because I was experiencing separation anxiety.

F_55 Can’t forgive myself for betraying my ex
  • replies: 3

Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad abou... View more

Hello, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I hurt & lost the love of my life. We were together for almost 10 years and it’s been a year since she rightfully broke up with me. I’m so completely broken. I feel selfish for feeling bad about it because it was all my fault. It’s also why it’s hard to come here and ask for help, but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I cheated on my ex by sexting another. Years before that I even went to pay for sex, I didn’t do it but I hate myself for it. I even told people I had so they could hate me as much as I hated myself. I lied about little things, I lied about big things. I disrespected her and took her for granted. I lost her trust and respect. I was supposed to look after her. The thought of having made her feel worthless and alone physically makes me feel ill. I have issues. Anxiety, depression, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, but I’m not comfortable talking about it. No one knows, I never even told my ex. I only just have the courage to admit it here because I need help. I’m not blaming any of it for my actions, plenty of people have those issues and not cheat. I’m still just trying to figure out how I could hurt this person so much and who I am. I cry & drink myself to sleep almost every night. Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain. I’m not okay, I have intrusive thoughts, I don’t sleep, I have near constant anxiety and I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. For the pain I put her through. I keep punishing myself, I feel worthless and the disgust, self loathing and guilt that comes with that knowledge is overwhelming. She started seeing someone else and I’m truely happy for her, she’s moved.. But it’s hard for me knowing someone else is making her happy, which is what I should have been doing. Instead I made her cry. I legitimately hate myself.

buttercup22 My partner is emotionally numb
  • replies: 4

My partner of 2 years has been distant lately (he works away, 1 week on, one off), we don't live together, and he has a high pressure job which means that he is working on his break sometimes. I confronted him a few days ago about being distant and h... View more

My partner of 2 years has been distant lately (he works away, 1 week on, one off), we don't live together, and he has a high pressure job which means that he is working on his break sometimes. I confronted him a few days ago about being distant and how it's unfair to me that he can't even tell me he loves me and that everything is okay when im anxious (I have long term anxiety which I manage) It makes me feel super alone and sad. He told me he feels numb and he can't feel anything at all. That he has fallen out of love with me and he doesn't know why. My whole world has come crashing down - how can i be with someone who doesnt love me? Ive been reading up on it and i think hes depressed. He has no idea what hes feeling and why. Has anyone else felt like this? Or has anyone had a partner who is like this? What can I do, and can we get over this?

whichwayhome Living with ignorance and conflict
  • replies: 4

I'm a young person who has suffered from mental health and physical health issues. Usually, I stay relatively to myself at home as my mother is prone to outbursts of anger at very small or seemingly minor things. Sometimes, she's in a bad mood and ta... View more

I'm a young person who has suffered from mental health and physical health issues. Usually, I stay relatively to myself at home as my mother is prone to outbursts of anger at very small or seemingly minor things. Sometimes, she's in a bad mood and takes it out on me. I've grown relatively used to it at this point. My dad had heart surgery and unfortunately suffered a stroke as a consequence. This past year has been devoted to helping him get better, and I absolutely place his health paramount over mine in this scenario. But I really did think my mum would be more sympathetic to my own issues after everything that happened. I guess that wasn't the case because she seems to ignore my boundaries I have set in the case of conflict. I struggle in understanding others' emotions and need them to be verbally expressed. I've communicated this to my mum but it seems she forgets in her outbursts. I've been called a couple derogatory names when this happens, and she expects me to know everything she feels, when it's already hard enough for me to even decipher how someone feels. However, the worst part of it is she's never apologised to me, when I've asked her if she could she either ignores me or gets mad again. I apologise to her whenever I accidentally go back to my blunt tone (it comes off as standoffish, so I've made an effort to give my voice a happy tone consistently) and other minor things. However, never once in my life have I received an apology for various names, which I won't repeat. This was the same until a few weeks ago, where I refused to back down until she agreed to give me the same respect she demands from me and apologise for ignoring everything I say and never accepting when she's wrong. My dad told me later that's the first time he's ever heard her apologise to anyone. Unfortunately, this was short lived as soon enough, she had a few glasses of wine and started yelling at me for forgetting to shut the door. Back and forth, as always. But this time, I finally was able to express emotions properly. I broke down crying, and had a panic attack. My chest felt so full while I sobbed. It was terrible, I felt like I was drowning in myself. This was the first time in my life I've felt genuine sympathy from my mum. I've been holding onto this for a while now. Is it just an off chance of sympathy and will everything go back to walking on egg shells or will she stop blaming me for every minor thing? Thanks for reading to some girl's ramblings. Just a vent.

John117 Wife has long term depression - Stay or Leave?
  • replies: 17

I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving. It first began with an injury ... View more

I’m in a pretty dark place right now. I’ve been married for 12 years and my wife has suffered from serious depression and anxiety for 9-10 of them. She's received ongoing treatment but things don’t seem to be improving. It first began with an injury and the loss of her job. I didn’t earn much money at the time but it was just enough for us to live comfortably. She started taking pain meds and antidepressants, but soon needed psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and other therapies and meds. Her mood began to drop lower with the good days becoming fewer. The costs started rising and I fell into debt. I worked harder, longer hours which luckily led to promotions, still with the extra money we were only just getting by. Trying to pay for the extra medical bills and debt while paying for everything else was just killing me. I had nothing to show for my hard work but kept pushing on knowing it was all for my wife. Things kept getting worse, we stopped being intimate because of her low self esteem. She became too anxious to leave the house. We missed family events and outings with friends. I couldn't go out by myself very often because of the distress it would cause her. I now have very few friends because of this. I work 9-10 hour days, 11 days a fortnight, do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. I was always fine with all of this because I know its not her fault. I know she suffers a hell everyday that I could never imagine. It kills me inside to see her in so much pain and distress. I really thought I was managing ok and felt strong until I had this moment of realisation. I went out for a night in the city with a some friends and met this really nice and very attractive girl. She was all over me most of the night but I refrained from anything other that chatting. She stuffed her number into my pocket when we left but I didn't keep it. Believe it or not, I met the same girl the next weekend and she was still lusting after me and made me feel amazing. This was when the moment of realisation came, I had truly forgotten what it felt like to be wanted, needed or loved, like I had been numb all these years. I didn't do anything with this girl but she made me realise and feel a lot of things. Im certainly not happy and miss the feeling of love and companionship. I don't want to miss out on life and can see it slipping away but i'm afraid of what would happen to my wife if I left her. I feel truly stuck. Can it get better? Any advise would be appreciated.

Lachannie Broken-hearted Mum
  • replies: 17

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts w... View more

My daughter has accused me of something I did not do and because of this has removed me from her life. This is heartbreaking for me and I am having a very hard time dealing with this. I am having trouble sleeping and it is constantly in my thoughts which is very upsetting as I don’t understand how a daughter hates her mother so much. I don’t know how to put my side forward as she won’t return my calls or reply to my messages. I should explain she has a borderline personality disorder and I have done everything over the years to support her and get her the help she needs.I have been told not to take it personal as it’s her illness making these decisions and not her but I am not so sure and I am getting tired of being the blame for all that goes wrong in her life. Family is very important to me and I have other children who also caught in the middle of this as well as my husband and grandchildren. It upsets me to even think about Christmas and that she and her family won’t attend because of this. I am looking for guidance on how I can try and resolve this if it can be resolved.

Brokengrl To wait or let go
  • replies: 4

Hello all im in a pickle. I started seeing a guy going through a tough time. He was clear he did not want a relationship yet. But could see us having a relationship in the future. due to the circumstances. I had a lot of anxiety. I felt the relations... View more

Hello all im in a pickle. I started seeing a guy going through a tough time. He was clear he did not want a relationship yet. But could see us having a relationship in the future. due to the circumstances. I had a lot of anxiety. I felt the relationship we did have was doomed. He generally coped well with my anxiety and rolled with it. he was always open and honest with me. I never caught him in a lie. We had a real connection. He said I was the only person who knew him best. Tuesday night. I had some anxiety and said a few things I shouldn’t have. Wednesday he didn’t speak to me, except to say he needed space because he can’t deal with anything complicated right now. I haven’t heard from him since. We went from talking every single day. To absolute silence. my support network are telling me I should be patient and just give him space and wait and see what happens. I think I should accept it is over and I will not hear from him again. I feel like I should grieve and move on. what are peoples thoughts?

eden_whatever My parents are toxic and I want to move out
  • replies: 7

Hi, My parents are extremely toxic especially ever since I have gotten a boyfriend. I am 18 and going through my hsc, my dad gets very angry a lot and you can never reason with him when he’s mad. My mother is manipulative, makes comments on my weight... View more

Hi, My parents are extremely toxic especially ever since I have gotten a boyfriend. I am 18 and going through my hsc, my dad gets very angry a lot and you can never reason with him when he’s mad. My mother is manipulative, makes comments on my weight and has called me a selfish cow multiple times over the past week (even on my birthday). My dad particularly hates my boyfriend for no good reason other than he thinks I’m too young to date. He calls my boyfriend stupid and has now said if he ever sets foot in our house that he will hurt him. My parents still treat me like a child and think I’m acting selfish for wanting some freedom and maturity. My dad used to hit me and during the beginning of this year my parents wanted to divorce and I was told it was my fault. They do much more crazy stuff and lately I feel like I’m getting in trouble for every little thing and I’m always walking on eggshells around them. My boyfriends parents have told me I am more than welcome to stay at theirs and honestly I’m just wondering if I should? Like I really don’t feel comfortable in the house anymore and I don’t know how much more I can take

Tas_zi Feeling a burden to two, Misunderstood my many and forgotten by lots.
  • replies: 9

Suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. My network has got so narrow, so small. The two I hold close I feel like I burden. I can see they have enough going on themselves. Family, there is many issues there and also many misunderstand me, just te... View more

Suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. My network has got so narrow, so small. The two I hold close I feel like I burden. I can see they have enough going on themselves. Family, there is many issues there and also many misunderstand me, just telling me to get over things and move on etc. The rest of my friends, Idk where they are. No one wants to be a friend to someone that hardly leaves the house that needs someone along side when they do, or just stays inside when that someone is at work. Some real issues happening, trying to stand up for myself so I am not the constant burden and still failing. Just feeling really low atm.