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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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contrarymary How to become in social activities in a group of people you don't know
  • replies: 5

I am in my 60s and been retired for a few years. i have joined a couple of organisation for people of similar age, but I just don't seem to fit in, they all seem to be already in groups and I am finding it hard to mix. the organisations do outings, t... View more

I am in my 60s and been retired for a few years. i have joined a couple of organisation for people of similar age, but I just don't seem to fit in, they all seem to be already in groups and I am finding it hard to mix. the organisations do outings, talks, lunches etc but I always seem to be the odd one out, eg on last bus tour I sat myself or I tried to join a table for lunch they said they were waiting for someone but no one appeared i am one of those people who doesn't really talk about their personal life to people they don't know ie I don't give my life history to someone I don't know. i was involved in 1 organisation on the committee for 6 years but still felt left out as others always seemed to get on better i have a problem telling everyone my life story till I know them well it stems from childhood my father was a soldier and was a way a lot and we were always told tell people nothing about what he or family did. i want to become involved in social activities.

Kez77 Partner blames me for daughter issues for she is trying to destroy me
  • replies: 2

I have invited my daughter gnaw 28 years old to come live with us for partner cheated on her in Canberra we live in Qld and partner has never had a relationship with her until I meet him a couple years ago and Her and I have become close well so I th... View more

I have invited my daughter gnaw 28 years old to come live with us for partner cheated on her in Canberra we live in Qld and partner has never had a relationship with her until I meet him a couple years ago and Her and I have become close well so I thought so when she needed help I reached out and invited her to our home and since that she has done nothing then tried to destroy us and is destroying him fo the wants a relationship with her and can't see what she is doing to us even his own mum and sister has told him but still its all my fault when all I did was try and bring them back together and now she thinks he owes her and lies about everything to make him hate me. I am lost and so over trying to have both of their backs but am caught in the middle and blamed for everything and now she has moved out which supposably my fault she is posting all over social media that he is bad and his sister saw it and sent to me and I showed him and once again it is my fault , says he would rather not now and we are out to destroy them and can't see that it is her.

white knight TRUST- how to and how not to
  • replies: 3

I grew up trusting people, everyone. In particular I trusted older people when I took note of their grey hair. As a young man in the RAAF I would trust my superiors but even politicians, their grey hair accompanied by a smiling face. A sucker for gre... View more

I grew up trusting people, everyone. In particular I trusted older people when I took note of their grey hair. As a young man in the RAAF I would trust my superiors but even politicians, their grey hair accompanied by a smiling face. A sucker for grey hair and smiling faces, but new friends as well. I needed to learn not to trust, in fact friends would say "I dont trust straight away, trust is earned. But it took a workplace trauma in 1987 at a local council where I worked to shock me into reality. A few managers tried to force me into mini corruption activity. I refused and the conflict was on. My first panic attack and anxiety followed. I'd eventually lose my job and never return to that profession. Since then relationships have been my interest especially here. Now, my attitude has been fully reversed, I dont trust many people and I find that mistrust to be a very effective insurance policy for my feelings and vulnerability. What interests me on this topic is family members. I'm not alone with family trauma, members disowning others (my mother and youngest daughter and one niece), finding a close relative betraying me, jealousy, etc. Trust is a very important process to complete. with someone. Mistrust is an essential judgement we need for self protection and it is a basic right. But there is a gulf of people that lie in between the two extremes, acquaintances, distant relative etc. What I've personally developed is an acceptance within, to not feel guilt that I dont trust. Indeed if a person in this grey area of connection asks me "do you trust me"? I answer "We are not close enough for me to trust you but yes, that could happen". For the ones with mental health issues the less trauma we have with others the better. We can indeed spend our lives with techniques that 'dodge the dangerous'. That is far better than trusting and being hurt. What is fair is to go with your gut feeling. Beware the manipulative- "what is that person going to benefit from this conversation"? "If they are sincere then time will tell". And take the time, listen to others and come to a conclusion. Trust should not be forced by obligation "You can trust me I'm your cousin"... If you feel obliged to trust another person, do so in your own timeline, not theirs and dont feel bad to say "I'm still thinking about it". Your trust is your gauge, your meter, your personal judgement... dont feel guilty by operating it without hinderance as it is a valuable tool of protection. TonyWK

That Other Guy open relationship...
  • replies: 6

OK, here goes. A year ago, my wife decided she was leaving me because I am autistic. Six months ago I said I'd accept an open relationship and we were no longer separating. She had met a guy already, she kept him secret for a while but talked to him ... View more

OK, here goes. A year ago, my wife decided she was leaving me because I am autistic. Six months ago I said I'd accept an open relationship and we were no longer separating. She had met a guy already, she kept him secret for a while but talked to him throughout. I pretty much started drinking heavily in Feb last year and have only stopped in the past week. I was convinced that open meant once she had someone else, she'd realise that I wasn't much chop and she would leave me. So I started dating, expecting no woman to ever talk to me, but to get out there all the same. I actually spoke to at least 15 women in 6 months. I honestly keep remembering them. Of that there were about 6 who were the most significant. That deepened over 8 weeks. In hindsight we basically dated although at the time I assumed we were just friends. As things seemed likely to boil over, my wife decided to close the relationship, which I accepted with enthusiasm. However as I had 'been intimate' she demanded she be given a free pass at least once. I agreed because I had no choice, but with caveats, I set an end date. On that last day, I messaged her and she confessed she'd had been with the guy she'd pursued all along that same day. The way that had happened didn't feel like it was in line with our agreement, so I feel like she cheated on me. She had never been with someone else, so I feel like we had something together that she threw away like garbage. So I cut off my lady (she is pursuing me) and she cut off her guy and we did therapy. We seem to be on the mend but we don't live together and when things happen like a few weeks ago we had 10 days together and she was completely disinterested physically, my mind goes into overdrive for what it means and if it's all over. I don't know if we're going to make it because I don't think I can cope. What she did is not a raw wound any more but it still hurts to think about it. I really don't know where I am or what to do....

Viki8420 Can my marriage work after my husband had a 4 month long affair
  • replies: 14

We have been married for around 10 years now and just last week I accidentally discovered that my husband had a girlfriend on the side. When i confronted him, he confessed straightaway and said it was a fling, he had zero attachment to that woman and... View more

We have been married for around 10 years now and just last week I accidentally discovered that my husband had a girlfriend on the side. When i confronted him, he confessed straightaway and said it was a fling, he had zero attachment to that woman and that its over. He says he was dissatisfied with our marriage physically and needed that sexual release, hence had a fling. It is true that we were not having much sex in the past few years. Offlate he had started to hang out more with single guys and used to stay in his mates bachelor pad overnight on weekends as well. I found out that he was lying to the woman he was sleeping with. He did not tell her he was married or that he lived in the suburbs either. She thought he is a single guy living in a city pad(his mates apartment). He says he wants to work on our marriage but is it worth it? We do not have children and i am not financially dependant on him either so a separation will not be messy. But i am conflicted…. should i move on. Should i swallow the bitter pill and give him another chance? Do marriages come back after these episodes?

Female84 Processing anxiety/double standard
  • replies: 4

Hello First time poster here. But been resding through the forums to try find something I can relate to so I can understand and process my emotions right now. I am trying to put sense and logic into why I feel hurt and upset knowing and seeing that t... View more

Hello First time poster here. But been resding through the forums to try find something I can relate to so I can understand and process my emotions right now. I am trying to put sense and logic into why I feel hurt and upset knowing and seeing that the person I've been seeing for the past 4 months have been chatting and organising meeting up with other women whilst I have been doing the same thing behind his back. I feel selfish and unreasonable for feeling this way that it has caused me anxiety with sudden low moods, broken sleep and having trouble sleeping. I know I will get over this eventually but I also have realised this is a recurrence with past relationships. Why do I have this double standard mentality and how do I stop and get rid of it.

shorti Not allowed to visit family with baby
  • replies: 2

Hey all, I have a 3 month old baby. My husband won't let me take our baby to my dad's house unless he is with me. The reason is my dad can be a bit controlling and hubby does not want any bad influences on our baby. For example when I was only two we... View more

Hey all, I have a 3 month old baby. My husband won't let me take our baby to my dad's house unless he is with me. The reason is my dad can be a bit controlling and hubby does not want any bad influences on our baby. For example when I was only two weeks postpartum my dad wanted to know when I was going back to work because he wants to baby sit and joked about driving our baby around the state in his 4wd. Another example, if we don't vote the political party my dad likes he gives us a lecture about how his father fought in WW2 and we are disrespecting his father (my grandfather). Also my dad has a habit of saying one thing and doing another so it's hard to trust him. On Good Friday we visited dad and my brother was there who then tested positive for COVID on Easter Sunday. My brother called to let us know but dad told him not to tell us so we don't get worried, so in other words he keeps secrets so it's hard to trust him. So I can understand my husband not wanting my dad to babysit, but even if I am around he is still against it. Also there is domestic violence between my dad and brother where it can get quite physical. My brother gave dad a black eye a few months ago. So my husband does not want our baby around this which I agree. However I would still like to visit my dad from time to time. I'm currently on maternity leave and my husband works from home. I can't have visitors over because we are in a small house and will disturb my husband. I don't want to spend the next year on maternity leave sitting on a couch with my baby. I want to get out and about for my own mental health. My mother's group starts next Tuesday and my husband isn't happy I'm going although he is allowing it. He says these days you can't trust people and new friendships aren't what they used to be. He is worried about bad influences on our baby particularly around people I don't yet know. So far I'm feeling good after birth but I'm worried I may end up with some sort of postnatal depression or loneliness if I'm isolated from other people. Is my husband over the top by not letting me go anywhere unless he comes along too? Even to my dad's place? I don't want to go to dad's every week, maybe once a month or something. My mum also passed away 17 years ago so I have been a bit down that she's not around.

LK89 I'm reliving a breakup from three years ago
  • replies: 5

Yesterday I unblocked my ex for the first time since we broke up three years ago and found out he's dating our mutual friend. They're even building a house together. She was there to comfort me and it was her who I confided in when we first broke up ... View more

Yesterday I unblocked my ex for the first time since we broke up three years ago and found out he's dating our mutual friend. They're even building a house together. She was there to comfort me and it was her who I confided in when we first broke up because she had also broken up with her fiancé at the time. She knew I still loved him. I was never too close with her, but we saw each other every week, and we were on the same bowling team for years...I just feel so betrayed by the both of them. I don't believe there was anything going on with them while we were together, but I always had this weird feeling that the two of them would end up together. Now that this has been confirmed for me, I just don't know what to do. I've been crying all day and night just like during the breakup, and I can't eat, can't sleep, just feel like my whole world is falling apart all over again. It feels like the five 1/2 years my ex and I spent together meant nothing. I feel like an idiot for still caring about him. My intense feelings over the last 24 hours also made me realise that deep down, I was always hoping he'd come back. My friends and I discussed everything yesterday and thought it would be a good idea for me to get "closure", whatever that means, so I messaged my ex asking to chat. I feel that was a rash decision, because today I don't really want to face him. But he agreed, and actually just sent a message suggesting we meet today. I haven't got my thoughts in order yet so I'm going to suggest a time next week, but ultimately I really don't know whether this will help with my healing or not. I also just signed up for therapy with BetterHelp, but I'm still waiting on a therapist to be assigned. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of support in the meantime because I'm feeling quite alone at the moment.

Guest_1584 Why does a person never admit to things?
  • replies: 31

High people. My gf/partner in 3 yrs has never taken responsibility, owned or acknowledged anything not even when it's something she'll do often. Yet, has what she calls truths and no problem at all in saying and very bluntly to l might add, anything ... View more

High people. My gf/partner in 3 yrs has never taken responsibility, owned or acknowledged anything not even when it's something she'll do often. Yet, has what she calls truths and no problem at all in saying and very bluntly to l might add, anything she thinks about something l've done or that l do . She might even do the same but that's either all ok for her that's different, or she'd just never admit to it and get all hurt that l should even suggest such a thing. She's mostly a very loving and extremely caring person , incredibly so actually and she'll also happily do anything for you she can and is extremely supportive, above herself if need be. But where as she also has absolutely no problem at all in handing out complaints or asking me to change something l do or a habit , or even a need that is just me. Heaven forbid though l might have a complaint, that's taken in tears and as a direct hit on her character. What is that ? She won't change or alter anything she does , not even a simple thing like one morning in bed she wouldn't even turn the light off at 7am when she woke up and wanted to do something on the pc. l mean this is just a very small thing there's far far bigger and more important things but even to this one tiny little thing as an example. l'm not a morng person and l hate light at the best of times let alone 7am and while l'm still asleep, she knows that, yet she refused point blank, she just did. She didn't even need the light on she was only reading and there was already morning light coming in.She won't change or compromise anything she does, nor even admit to it. Yet l often wake up early so l'll get up so as l don't wake her and go out to the lounge or somewhere, especially if l want to pc or she'll complain she can't sleep , let alone l turn the br light on . Thing is that's her attitude with anything her, what is that, entitlement or what ? How do you handle things like that in a person, especially when they have absolutely no qualms whatsoever in the reverse? l mean you'll see stuff like this in an obviously arrogant self centered type , but not usually in someone as caring as what she is otherwise. rx

BG89 Wife with bpd wants to separate, I'm heartbroken and need help
  • replies: 13

I am currently in the process of being separated from my bpd wife but I'm still deeply in love with her and this process is leaving me completely heartbroken. She is my best friend and the only person iv ever loved and while she has hinted at this be... View more

I am currently in the process of being separated from my bpd wife but I'm still deeply in love with her and this process is leaving me completely heartbroken. She is my best friend and the only person iv ever loved and while she has hinted at this before we have never broken up but now she has sead we are and I'm having trouble accepting it. We have been together nearly 6 years married for nearly 4, have 3 kids and in the last 6 months she and the kids moved to new Zealand to what we planned was to start a new life, while I was stuck in Australia during covid to finish up my work then rejoin them. Over that 6 months she has become a completely different person made all these plans and decions without telling me or talking to me about it then when I finally got to our new home last week she told me we are separated and wants a divorce. Im absolutely shattered I'm crying all the time csnt eat mutch or sleep mutch and I'm loosing all drive to do anything, also to make it worse she is being up and down about how I'm coping which depending on her mood she is eaither understanding or extremely angry about it. Some of her reasons seem to change daily but the main ones are she has discovered over the last 6 months she would prefer to be alone as being married is adding to mutch stress for her to deal with and is she can't love me like I deserve and I should find someone else and be happy, I told her I don't want anyone else I want her, iv all ways worked hard to be there for her with the roller coaster ride of bpd and iv never judged or held it agents her even thow its cost me job progression due calling in sick alot to help her or leaving work early to help her, friends and some family Iv been trying to talk about it with her a few times and she doesn't want to work it out or keeps telling me I'm forcing her to stay with me when I ask how do you think the kids will handle all of this.