cleaning and mental health

[soot-sprite]

Hi, first time poster and lost. I am in my late 20s and live at home with my mother.
I suffer anxiety, depression and have been diagnosed with adhd; while my mother has her own mental health issues.
We have a good bond, and I think recently it’s getting better, but we always run into the same upsetting argument. It relates to cleaning the house. It often comes up at the end of a really nice day, when my mum has drunk a little too much. She voices she is mad at me because I am not cleaning the house and that I hate our home.
While I try my best to do housework, it’s not my minds main priority. When I write that or say it out loud it just sounds like I’m just saying I am lazy; but mentally it doesn’t feel like that. Often I am focused on keeping myself distracted from the thought that I am a failure and that I am a loser; it keeps me from thinking about past trauma and brewing on it. So often I focus on what little stay at home work I do via my computer or I engage  in hobbies like reading. sometimes I do not even notice a chore needs to be done because I am busy avoiding reality to disassociate.
I often find things much easier if I have someone point me in the right direction. So every time we fight, I try and bring about the solution and say I am happy to do any housework I am asked to do. She used to leave me notes with a list of a couple of chores and I would always get them done. But she gets even more mad at me for suggesting this and says she shouldn’t have to ask and that I should see something needs to be cleaned or that I should do it without being asked. 
we go around and around in circles like this until I simply bow out and go to my room. Then, the next day she doesn’t want to talk about it and the cycle begins again. 
these arguments make me feel like something is wrong with me because I can’t just do the chores. I also feel hopeless cause my best solution gets knocked back every time but my mum does not offer another solution. 

I read online that arguments about housework are never really about housework and I think for my mum it is because she wants to relax at home but can’t do that unless it’s spotless; while that level of clean does not effect me. I really want to help out, both so she can feel like she can relax and the fighting can end about it. 

does anyone have any ideas on how I can work through this with my mum?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Certainly compromise is the way forward but that would entail your mum to relax her high standards of cleanliness and in short easier said than done.

I can see some reluctance from you to accept your side of the responsibilities, I hope you don't mind, in that you say  "but my mum does not offer another solution". In reality she shouldn't have to. Another example of this is "She used to leave me notes with a list of a couple of chores and I would always get them done. But she gets even more mad at me for suggesting this..." yes , she might, so I can't see why you don't make your own notes? It is quite common for people to write lists of things to do in regards to chores. Maybe work on a list together?

I don't doubt you don't mean to be forgetful and it's easier to immerse yourself into distraction but if you want to continue living with her then there is an obligation to satisfy her along with her high standards.

The alternative is to move out whereby renting carries the same obligations with strict inspections.

I hope you find a balance and arguments reduce.

TonyWK

[sbella02]

Soot-Sprite,

Thank you so much for posting here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. 

I don't necessarily have diagnosed ADHD, although I've long suspected I may need an assessment for it, but the way you have described a task not being your "mind's main priority" resonates with me. I think that's a fantastic way of putting it. I'm quite opposite to you in that cleaning IS my procrastination. It serves as a form of distraction for me when I have a bigger and arguably more important task that I should be doing.

I think it's important to relay your feelings to your mother, if you haven't already. Letting her know that this is something that you're not simply avoiding, but cannot physically get started unless specifically instructed or prompted to. It may be a difficult conversation to have, but if you assert yourself, this kind of communication is the best way to ensure your needs can be met. This will also give her the opportunity to communicate her needs too, and a common ground can be reached.

Assertiveness in this way is tricky to master, and it can be challenging to try and communicate our needs sometimes. It can feel selfish, but it's not. Using "I" statements (eg: I find it difficult to do...  I work best if I...) can be a great way to improve our assertiveness. It is also best to approach these kinds of conversations when we're in a relatively calm state. Calmness is clarity.

If you're seeing a therapist, psychologist or even your GP regularly, it may also be useful to raise your struggles with them. They can offer you some professional advice and tips on how best to manage this situation with your mum.

Please feel free to chat with us some more if you'd like, we're here to listen and offer support.

Take care, SB

[Petal22]

Hi soot-sprite,

Im sorry this is happening.

I understand you are trying to keep your self distracted from certain thoughts, this in itself can be very exhausting.

Have you thought about doing some inner work on yourself?

Sometimes we try to avoid certain thoughts because of the way they make us feel.

If we can learn to challenge these thoughts then we can learn to move through them with a different outcome with in ourselves.

It really is possible to create new path ways in our brains.

In sorry you have past trauma and I understand when these thoughts come up it can create alot of tension inside ourselves and we can brew.

But you can consciously decide that you won’t brew on certain thoughts but instead redirect your attention onto something more positive in the present moment.

If you can master how to move through these thoughts then this will also help you in your everyday life because you won’t be trying so hard to avoid the thoughts but instead move through them, which will be less exhausting for you.

A trained health professional could help you with this.