Betrayal of trust

Sp25

I've been in a relationship with my partner for 14 years, and while I love him deeply and we share two children, I feel emotionally exhausted, unsupported, and heartbroken. I've consistently put myself and my needs last while managing our home, raising our kids mostly on my own, and enduring ongoing emotional letdowns.

8 months ago i caught him in the shower watching porn (for context this has been a hard boundary from the very beginning of this relationship to which he entered knowingly and have discussed on multiple occasions with me being given his assurance that this wasnt an issue and that it wasn't something he didnt need to watch) we spoke about it and agreed to continue with the relationship on the provision that he not watch porn anymore. Recently, I discovered he was still constantly watching porn behind my back which shattered what little trust I had left. This most recently happened while I was recovering from yet another surgery for endometriosis, making the betrayal feel even deeper. I haven’t felt emotionally or physically fulfilled in our relationship for years, yet I’ve continued to sacrifice my needs in the relationship because I loved him and thought that it was mutual.

I'm starting to feel more like a housemaid than a partner.

He also fails to stand up for me, particularly with his mother, and often puts work and his own interests above our family. I'm exhausted from raising concerns, only for the same issues to come up repeatedly with no real change. I feel like a broken record, and I don’t know how much more I can give.

At this point, I know I need to put myself first—but I don’t know how because I’ve spent so long prioritizing everyone else. I feel numb, angry, and unsure if I have the energy to keep fighting for this relationship. I want my partner to take accountability, to show through his actions, not just words, that he wants to work on things. That includes him organising therapy not me because I need to see that he’s serious. Actions speak louder than words, and I can’t be the one carrying the emotional load anymore.

While I’m waiting for my own therapy, I’m trying to find ways to cope with the emotional burnout and protect my energy. I feel alone in this process and unsure of what comes next, but I know I can’t continue in a relationship were there is neither trust or respect for my boundaries

white knight

Hi, welcome

Sorry for what you are enduring. Im 69yo and I was met with peer pressure when in the AirForce 50 years ago to watch porn and even for this male I found it degrading and uncomfortable. I'm sure some men think otherwise though.

This is your relationship, it matters not what other people believe, think about porn or what boundaries you have. They are your standards and that is crucial to some of your sell being that you dont accept anything less.

Normally I would advise couples counselling but you seem way past that stage and wanting him to organise that is how far you have gone in hope that he'll realise some worth in saving the relationship. It's like he needs a jolt as he seems to have now taken you for granted. Have you considered a temporary separation to see what transcribes? Even a caravan park in commuter range could be considered or even motel on monthly rates? Or a friends house? Or if there's kids, he moves?

Of course it goes without saying that you are fearful of taking that step so I understand.

Re: "He also fails to stand up for me, particularly with his mother, and often puts work and his own interests above our family. " This type of event is just as worrying as the porn addiction imo. I say that because overall you are not getting what a lady deserves from her man. eg If he agrees with his mother openly in front of you both then is can feel like being bullied. Preferably he chats to you about his feelings alone and share his reasons why he thinks his mother is correct. Being together doesnt mean supporting each other on every topic, individuals have a right to their own opinions but he isnt putting your feelings up as a priority and that attitude is reflected in him violating your standards on other things. This level of dissatisfaction isnt something many people would be content about.

So I'm sorry if I dont have any alternative other than a temporary separation or permanent if attitudes dont change. I'll put out a notice to other communiuty champions so you can receive a females viewpoint.

Take care and reply anytime.

"A bunch of flowers to a lady should always have a card, written upon the card could say "The flowers are for you, the message is for both of us that we blend together as one to enrich our lives"

TonyWK

indigo22

Hi Sp25,

Welcome, I see you have been a member for a few months, so glad you decided to reach out to us.

I can relate to a number of things that you have talked about in your post, although not exactly the same issues, the feelings and emotional overload are very familiar.

It's a great pity that women have been trained to put themselves last, it is a great way to create resentment when we reach the point of enough is enough.

I was in a relationship/marriage for 8 years and was also not respected. I put up with it until one day he pushed me just that little bit too far and that was the end of it. It was not an easy thing to do, but then again, my self esteem was taking a beating, so it was the right thing for me to do. It may or may not be the right thing for you, but some serious thought needs to go into what you want for yourself going forward. You are right, actions do speak louder than words, and from the sounds of it, he is in the driveway with the parking brake on and the motor turned off.

If he agreed to the terms and entered the relationship, only to do what he wanted behind your back anyway, and was dishonest about it when discussing the subject, how could you not feel betrayed and disrespected. You have said that you don't know how to put yourself first, and I know that is not an easy thing to do at first. So how about reframing that into putting yourself in even position with everyone else and work your way up to it. That means taking time everyday for yourself, how long that is and what you decide to do with that time is up to you, but for anything to change, you need to take that first step.

We are here to support you so don't feel you have to face this alone. Please feel free to continue this conversation any time you feel the need.

Take care of yourself and children, your husband is old enough to take care of himself,

indigo

smallwolf

Hello and welcome.

Thanks for being so open...it sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy load for a long time. I can only imagine how exhausting and painful that must be, especially when it feels like you’re the only one putting in any effort to the relationship!

Also... you absolutely deserve to feel seen, respected, and supported. I also think it’s incredibly strong that you’re even starting to think about putting yourself first after prioritizing everyone else for so long. That takes a lot of courage.

Thinking out loud - Do you have someone close to you? Perhaps a family member, friend, or even someone from work you feel safe opening up to? I’ve found it really helpful to have someone to talk to outside of therapy too. It can make a big difference when you’re trying to process everything and keep it from building up inside.

Listening...

therising

Hi Sp25

I'm so glad you've met with the beautiful and deeply caring smallwolf, indigo and white knight here, people who've made such a positive difference to so many on the forums here over the years. Their advice offers you a lot to consider and different ways of looking at things. I'm glad you found this support.

I think what's incredibly challenging is to live with a partner who has the attitude or belief 'I have no problems, as everything works for me perfectly. You're the one with the problems'. So, it's a matter of 'Indulging in porn's not a problem for me. Working so much and focusing on my interests is not a problem for me. Supporting my mum above anyone else isn't a problem or issue for me. Leaving you alone to raise the kids in a non financial sense is in no way a problem for me' etc etc. In other words, 'Many of these things actually offer me solutions, such as more free time, a sense of excitement, less stress and so on'. Hmmm🤔

I've found, in my own relationship (23 year marriage), my more recent idea of 'I'll leave you alone to deal with life how you choose' has created a gradual sense of separation from my husband. Up to this point, it was more about me being more accommodating, selfless, pleasing, non boat rocking, in order to keep my husband happy. I used to think 'If we're not happy, I'm doing something wrong'. Took me years to finally figure out that this way of thinking creates cycles of depression. From happiness to feeling a lacking in the relationship to feeling a depressing sense of emptiness and/or hopelessness to ruminating over what I've done wrong/how I can fix things and back around to the 12 o'clock point, where some rejuvenating and inspiring revelation leads me to 'That's it! This will make us happy again!'. Around and around and around for years. If that cycle sounds familiar to you, that's the cycle of you doing all the hard work. I think, with such a cycle, there's always going to be a deal breaker. Kinda like 'This is the one thing I refuse to tolerate when it comes to accepting my lot'. For you, it sounds like it's your partner's addiction to porn. For me, it's my husband's use of alcohol. The one thing we can't tolerate in a relationship is typically the thing they see as one of their greatest solutions. Unless someone can come to see their 'solution' as a problem, nothing will change. Until or unless there's change, I think the focus needs to become about development for us, as they choose (through their actions) to create a sense of separation from us.

How would you choose to develop yourself at this point in your life? Any area of self development that comes to mind? Who would you choose to help you develop? The best guides help light the way. A psychological guide perhaps. A physical guide maybe (in relation to physical wellbeing). Perhaps a soulful kind of guide, that leads you out of what can feel soul destroying at times. Btw, I've found one of the reasons as to why this can be so hard to answer ('How do I wish to develop myself?'), is based on the possibility that we've never had to consciously face this challenge before. We could have been developing ourself for years without even realising. ❤️

Sp25

Thankyou all who have responded to this post, you have all given me so much solice knowing I'm not alone in my feelings and am valid. I have spoken with him in great depth and what he has said is that he genuinely didn't believe it was a non-negotiable for me which I was then able to go into better detail as to why it is a non negotiable and give him a better understanding of my feelings. I don't want to throw away 14yrs with this man who has also been my best friend, but I'm struggling with mistrust and worry that it may happen again once he becomes complacent. I have asked him to research a marriage counsellor as I have enough on my plate right now. I have also sent him an email and have requested that he put into writing how he would like to salvage this relationship so that if in the future this was to happen again he would have a clear reference of our discussions as he claims that he becomes overwhelmed when we argue and he struggles to remember conversations. I think I'm just sitting in limbo waiting to see if he puts in more effort whilst one foot in the door and the other planning my escape in a way that won't detrimentally affect our kids. He is the main breadwinner in our household and in my current career I can't take on any more work that what I'm doing currently as I'm the one who manages the household and the kids etc (this is what has worked for us and is agreed upon. I know if we were to separate that the kids and I would stay in our home but my heart breaks to "kick" him out as it's his home too. I think at this point I'm just holding out hope that he will step up and put in the work that is needed and get the help that is needed while I try to sort through my own feelings. I will be seeking a therapist for myself but apart from that I'm too ashamed to talk with family or friends especially because I am still here and I worry how he will be perceived from others if they knew. I know it's protecting him but I feel like it's protecting me also.

indigo22

Hi Sp25,

I totally get the discomfort you would have in talking about this with people who know both of you and admire your willingness to protect him with the hope that things will turn around. Only time will tell how much work he is willing to do to save the relationship, but I hope for your peace of mind, he puts in some hard yards.

While you are waiting to see your therapist and between visits, I highly suggest having a couple of helpline numbers in your phone for those days when you need to talk to someone in real time, but not someone you personally know.

1800Respect - available 24/7 - 1800 737 732

Beyond Blue - available 24/7 - 1300 224 636

You can also still converse with us whenever you wish, just reply to any one of the above posts and we will get a notification.

We would be interested how things are going with you if you would like to share.

indigo

therising

Hi Sp25

Completely understandable that you don't want people judging your partner, who you still regard as a friend (while you're working on the friendship). What makes the forums here such a good place to come to involves the fact that it's anonymous.

Everyone's put to the test in relationships, in a whole variety of ways. While you've been tested in a number of ways, you're now testing your partner and his level of commitment and determination when it comes to leads the friendship to evolve in constructive ways moving forward. Will he evolve through the challenges you've set (researching a marriage counselor, putting his thoughts into writing etc)? How much is he prepared to raise himself above and beyond his comfort zone. As you've pointed to, good and clear communication is key when it comes to moving forward. The fact that you've been able to communicate why the porn's such an issue for you is definitely a step in the right direction. Another positive step has involved him listening.

It think it's hard when no one tells us (when we're younger) something along the lines of 'Really strong relationships develop through tough challenges'. When seriously tough challenges come up, typically we can be inclined to think 'It shouldn't be this hard'. The ultimate test involves raising ourself and each other while graduating to a whole new level of friendship.