Almost 40, Single, Living with parents, no kids, no savings, NO HOPE

[bluebee2016]

So I'm 2 years off 40, I live with my parents (having moved back in after elective surgery 1.5years ago), I own a car (given to me by my parents after I was in a car accident), I have no savings (having been unemployed for a couple of years because people see my age and ASSUME i'm going to get pregnant and leave and yes several people said that to my face in interviews), I'm single and I've never had kids (not by choice but because I've never met anyone who actually likes me).

I'm trying my best to think of new goals for a new future as a person who can't have kids or is never going to have a family of their own. I look at housing sites and realise I will NEVER be able to afford my own home and because I have a dog (one of my sole reason's for living) I can't even find a house to rent (no pets allowed). I have a job now but it's just another boring run of the mill jobs, not that I had any choice in trying to find something that I would actually enjoy doing after looking for so long. I feel useless and worthless and can't see any purpose to life and living if no matter what I do I can't change where I am. I'm really trying to think my way out of this but I can't even find joy in the little things anymore like walking the dog or going to the movies. I was trying to organise a holiday with a friend for New Years and I was getting excited until I looked at my budget and realised I can't afford it. I started seeing an IVF specialist thinking it would be my last shot for a family, but I can't afford the treatment either.

So my question, I guess, is what do I do now? How do you look to the future through a sad, old and lonely spinsters lens? I feel like I understand why so many women drink at this age but I've just had surgery to lose 45kg and that's the only goal I've managed to achieve in the last 7 years. Am I just lonely? Or just depressed? Or just grieving at the loss of my youth? I feel like I'm grieving over the loss of a future self; the self I've imagined for so long, the person I was always excited to become and realising I am the COMPLETE opposite of that image and it is too late to change. I read somewhere the other day that we should define ourselves by the experiences we want in the world. Well I feel like the only experiences I want are ones that involve other people but they are the experiences that have eluded my for almost 40years. Sorry for rambling, got any advice?

[MarkJT]

Hey Bluebee, welcome to the forums and well done for reaching out. It takes courage to do that and i am so pleased that you are with this wonderful forum.

First off, you are not rambling, you are outlining a story that you would like some advice on. That is not rambling and within these forums, you will never be judged, you will only receive support.

You are only 38 years old, there is so much living to do and you can achieve this. I'm not going to say that things are all of a sudden with a magic wish that you will have a family, you may or may not but you can have a great life.

First off I would get to your GP and discuss the underlying feelings you have. The words of you are not feeling any joy in the little things anymore and you feel useless and worthless are concerning. These are the matters you need to discuss with the GP. They are symptoms of depression and you need to address these as soon as you can. The great news is that even though you may have depression, there are literally millions of people who have depression and living normal happy lives. It does not have to be a life sentence for sadness. With the right treatments and maybe medication, you can get your mojo back.

Your future self can be really bright and have a whole heap of fun and adventure if you choose to. The future is in your hands so please see the GP and i would be really keen to hear back as to how it is going with you.

Mark.

[White_Rose]

Dear Bluebee

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. As I read your post I thought what a lonely life you have and I am sad for you. Writing in here is a great first step to a new life and it shows you have courage to face the future. Reinventing yourself is hard work but you know you can do this as shown by your weight loss. I know several people who have had this surgery and I know they struggled with the life changes necessary. Shows your courage.

I agree with Mark that a visit to your GP is the next step. You sound depressed and getting this attended to will help your motivation and your energy. While you are attending to this, have you thought about further study? What does your local TAFE or university offer? What interests you? I have always been interested in communication so at age 48 I enrolled in a degree course, part time. This brought me into contact with many other people, some fresh from school, others older students like me.

Part time study was necessary as I had a full time job. It took me five years to complete the degree and I loved the whole adventure. I did not have the requisite qualifications to enrol so have to sit an exam for mature age student entry. What a giggle.

If you are saying "I can't do this", then do some other study. I did two senior subjects at TAFE which gave me the confidence to try uni. Look around your neighbourhood and see if anyone wants voluntary help in an area that interests you. I know one of our champs volunteers at a horse riding school for people with disabilities. Ask at your local animal shelter, Op Shop, primary school if the hours fit in with your work, check out the local churches and see what they offer.

It's all about you finding something that appeals to you, something that gives you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. And from my own experience of depression, I know how hard that is some mornings. The same desire to crawl into bed as soon as you get home. It represents safety and that's what we want. We want warmth, comfort and security. It seems when we are most depressed that these are the last things available to us.

Even being mildly depressed can cause us to lose our 'go power', takes away our enjoyment of the activities we once loved. I know. As usual I am exceeding my character limit. Please continue to write in.

Mary

[Joybells_72]

Hi Bluebee,

Good on you for writing your story. It takes so much courage and strength to put down in writing what you are feeling. What a great step you have made! I am around the same age as you and while I have now walked the same walk as you I do understand looking to the future and having no idea what that looks like. It's scary and it can make you feel really small. I have been on the weight loss journey along with you having surgery and having great success I have lost 43 kilos as well. But I am constantly reminded that it is also a change of our mind set! It is so easy to fall back into bad habits especially when you are feeling depressed!

I agree with the others your next step is to go see your GP!! Just talking it out with them will be a great start in your journey to your new life. I never thought that I would need to talk to anyone about my feeling, anxieties, worries etc, after all that's what I did for everyone else! I am the person that people talk to!! But no I needed someone to talk to that didn't know me or have that intimate connection. Someone who could just listen and give me some unbiased advice! I had some counselling and it really helped. In fact my depression is raring its head again right now because of the physical pain I am in due to arthritis and I have just realized after reading your post that it's time for me to go back to the GP and get a referral to a psychologist again. We all need someone to talk to, to help us to put things into perspective etc.

So Bluebee I want to say thank you for your post. For your openness and honesty. I hope that you can go and talk to the GP and get the help that you deserve. No matter how we might feel, we are young, we are women and the world is at our feet. !!!!

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey and the mighty steps that you will take,

Walking with you Joy bells.

[Nothing69]

Hi I joined to write this comment. I was just thinking I don’t know anyone in my exact predicament. So I typed in all the things that I was into Google. Your post was the first thing that popped up. The only difference is that I’m a male. You probably even read this considering it was written in 2016 but I just thought I’d try and let you know that your not alone

[JY]

I am having the same problem too and I am going to be 50 years old in a few weeks time and I am not sure how much longer can my career last. I dont think I can get my own roof. My family has also been making me pay for all my parents bills so that they can save up to buy investment properties in order to have a carefree retirement.

[Juliet_84]

Hi bluebee2016,

I’m sorry that you find yourself in such an unhappy situation, but just know that none of your problems are impossible to overcome. However, I think you may be suffering from a bit of depression at the moment which is likely clouding your vision and making it seem like your situation is hopeless. When in reality, if you don’t like your situation then you can always change it. First of all, I would suggest seeing a GP if you are feeling depressed as that will be your biggest motivation killer. But the thing that will give you the financial freedom to drive everything else will be getting a job. While ever you don’t have a job, you will be unable to have any form of independence and will never achieve the things that other people your age do. I am the same age as you (and am in a serious relationship with someone) so understand there can be an assumption that I will get pregnant at some point but I’m always upfront that I don’t want to have children. Even if you do, in this instance I think it’s perfectly acceptable to lie and say you don’t. Something like an emphatic “god no, not for me” usually puts their mind at rest. Once you have that, you can afford the rest. You can afford the apartment, and plenty of my friends rent in apartments and have dogs - they either get an apartment that allows it or get the apartment and stash the dog at inspection time, there are definite ways around it. I think once you have that, you can really start to think about what you really want to do career-wise or what type of job fulfills you. Sometimes it’s better to start working to find out what you actually like. I think a lot of young people make the mistake of going to uni straight out of school (I did) and end up changing degrees (I did) because they don’t actually understand what the job really entails. Or you could just end up staying at the job that pays your bills and explore hobbies in your spare time (that’s what I do). You just seem to be existing now rather than living and as much as I hate work sometimes, I wouldn’t have been able to travel the world, buy a house with a nice backyard to grow veggies, have a pup and all those great experiences without it. You’re too young to give up before you’ve even started xx

[Guy1985]

Hi,

Its 15/09/2022. I am feeling much similar to something you went through. I really hope that you are managed to overcome from most of your negative feelings. I would like to know how are you doing now after 5 years?  

[Lyn_Dog]

It's 2024 and my heart goes out to you bluebee. I truly hope your situation has improved and you are living a life you are happy with. 

I relate to many things in your post. I am turning 40 this year and am childless. My partner doesn't want to have a kid with me. Nor did my previous partner. 

I know I need to stay in the moment and be grateful for the wonderful things in my life. It's hard though and it isn't getting easier as the years tick by. 

I truly hope you have found a partner and have one or more children. I hope you are in work you enjoy and live in a magnificent house. I'm 8 years too late with my reply. Just know you are understood, seen and heard.

[Riri]

Hi, I feel this every day. I'm 40 and childless. I work as a teacher and get asked everyday from strangers (as I'm a casual teacher) do you have kids ? As if to check that I acturally have cred the degree just does not seem enough. I try not to be bothered by it but it does get to me and I feel inadequate. Im one of four children the middle child that is the only childless female in the family. And I'm always made to wait on those women ( not the children) and if my family knows I'm out enjoying myself say going on the holiday they will simply refuse to inquire or give my life any air...because look at how hard the others have it( the ones with kids). I just stop sharing because there is no genuine interest from any of the family in my life. It's unfortunate but it's pointless untill I have the child and have ' fore filled my womanly duty". I'm not in to traditional wife rolls at all its just me. But my family definitely meet the job description of a 1920s house wife. I can feel the disgust when I'm at family events and it's very hurtful especially as my partner is left out as part of it. It's hard out there. I hope we all find our way. Stay strong