Overwhelmed

[Fish35]

Hi, first time posting. I have 4 kids with the oldest 2 (13 and 15) currently unable to even be in the same room with each other. Husband of almost 18 yrs refuses to seek any help for himself despite me asking for the last 2-3 years, has no real relationship with his sons (the 13 and 15 yr olds) and has never had help to deal with his own parents death at the age of 21 and 23. 

I do all the appointments for the children (paediatricians, psychologists, OT etc (11yr old daughter has Autism and school refusal for last 18m-2 yrs)). He is always too busy despite the 15 yr old begging him in tears to teach him how to be a man and saying he doesn’t show any emotion other than happiness or anger.

He’s taken off his wedding ring 3-4 times in the last few years and thrown it at me telling me to “deal with them” (meaning the kids) when I have asked him to walk away because his behaviour has escalated into yelling and recently trying to physically remove the 15 yr old from the room. 

I work pretty much full time (as does he) but I am the one who gives up my days to attend appointments/parent teacher meetings etc even though I don’t get paid sick/holiday pay. 

Our family is at breaking point and I can’t keep doing everything to hold everything together.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your 2 older children need separation IMO at least until they get a little older and they might gravitate towards each other again. The answer to that could be a small caravan in the back yard if you have a yard. Your eldest might grab at the opportunity. Remember, as years go by they get to adulthood quickly and leave home (sometimes) so your family might dwindle and the caravan could come in handy for holidays.

Denial for those with issues is very common. As you have tried getting your husband help and he refuses, I suggest not asking him again, that will just make him angry. It could take a calamity before he'll act, if ever. 

Although physically man-handling his son isnt good, we all have breaking points and your husband like you hasnt got the answers- hence he is also desperate. 

I also suggest you delegate a chore for him to do that would relieve you of some activities and free up your time. Does he mow the lawn? do the rubbish? Service the car? Play sport like golf? Does his work involve physical work? All these things can wear someone down. Allocating some chores like mowing the lawns to your eldest or second eldest is a wise move.

Two more things- you and hubby need to remove yourself from the house for a 20 minute walk when things get out of control.

Lastly. I have an important post below, you only need to read the first post from me and if you both did those directions in that post your lives will improve.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/relationship-strife-the-peace-pip...

Repost anytime

TonyWK