Abandoned on Christmas Eve

[Paintdrops]

My husband has bipolar and left me on Christmas eve, after he lost his job  in may  and I found out things he had lied to me about. I was so upset about the lies  and his psychiatrist told him to make things up to me. He instead left on  Christmas eve in a horrible way, and has not been in touch since. I am in limbo not knowing what is happening. My heart is shattered. I just would like to talk with him. I would like to think he misses me, as I thought we were both so in love. He was I thought my soul mate. I would never had thought he would do this to me. 😞 I am still hoping he comes home. And gives us a chance. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It is a testing time for you.

I have bipolar and it is a roller coaster way to live. The most ideal medications, lifestyle and so on means you still tread the boundaries of falling into upsetting episodes and normality.

Sorry if I doubt that the psychologist told him to "make things up to you".  It doesnt seem to be a direction that is realistic. I say that because it is a direction and I havent heard of such an action from such a professional. He might have suggested it but being told to is another thing. If it is accurate it could explain the corner he feels he has been put in. Another reason could be that if he has lied to you and you've found out, he could feel guilt or he's let you down. Regardless what I'm eluding to is something could have tipped him over the edge. Sensitivity is usually a part of the bipolar makeup so when he has an argument with his closest family member his reaction could be serious. Tact is always needed when talking to bipolar sufferers, lots of it.

Re:  " I would never had thought he would do this to me. ". I think it is an example of how bipolar works, it isnt that he wants to punish you, nor doesnt love you, it is more that for whatever reason he has found that the circumstances upon which he left were intolerable- for him. But could have been tolerable for someone without bipolar. I'm basing that on my experience. Family disagreements can be catastrophic for we bipolars.  

 Do you know where he went? Can you communicate with him eg text?

I'm sorry you have been suffering about this and we are here to listen. 

TonyWK

[Paintdrops]

Thank you Tony for your reply. I really appreciate it. He doesn't answer texts I have sent  nor phone calls. I limited them to give him space. I am not totally sure where he is. The appointment with his psychiatrist was on the phone  with me. He told him all that he had done, and I was distressed so he listened to both of us. Made a plan with my husband to make it up to me. He said show her each day how much you care and love her. She has been terribly hurt and doesn't feel loved, you need to show her and it won't be a quick fix. We have ridden the roller-coaster for 16 years. He was diagnosed not long after meeting me  and he has had the same psychiatrist all that time. Thank you for the insight, I truly appreciate it. Do you think he will come back, after having his break? I have let his psychiatrist know I want him back and love him  and feel things just got out of hand.

I am not sure where he is staying  but could be his sisters  as I tried to call her  but she wouldn't pick up. He always kept us apart  segregated his family from me. 

He told our gp  that I kicked him out, I didn't. He tells so many stories  I don't know if he remembers which one is true.

I am usually very tactful, but his usual tell-tale signs of cycling were not there. I just didn't see it coming. I am suffering something terrible  as it's hard when you love someone  and they just ignore you, like I was never his wife. I am so very stressed.

Tee

[white knight]

Hi Tee,

Yes, I read your pain. It's real and it can be minimalised somewhat but is comparable to separation and such grief is not dissimilar to experiencing a death of a loved one.

So there is a few reasons why he hasnt returned-

• To seek change from you
• To permanently separate
• To teach you a lesson
• To get space

To seek space or teach you a lesson would mean he intends to return. The other two reasons he has no intention returning. What is clear is that he has either poor communication skills to convey his intentions, immaturity, or even revenge, I dont know him so you would judge all that speculation.

The important thing is try not to guess, only he knows at this point. To SURVIVE these ordeals isnt easy however distraction is one of the best methods.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

All the dwelling at the moment is tearing you apart and is anxiety filled. Worry produces ulcers, nothing more.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

I would like to mention the lying. Some people with mental health issues have unusual behaviours and they adopt them all their lives. They find it natural for them and believe they will always get away with it. While it isnt acceptable from a partners viewpoint, some of these behaviours have to be accepted to maintain stability unless they become an extreme problem. E.g In one of my relationships I spent too much money which was a symptom of my illness. Mania from ADHD, bipolar etc can cause this out of control spending. It only became a problem when bills and expenses werent being paid or planned savings were eroded. However, my then partner herself became obsessed with the most minimal spending, like a hawk watching every cent.

It would be a hard problem to live with this lying and I dont know the boundaries that would make any lie acceptable, hence my limitations there. One is either honest or dishonest right? So are white lies acceptable? Well no, because they have the intent to elude, defraud etc for a purpose. So can you change a liar to the extent they will no longer lie? I dont know, I doubt it, you wouldnt ever trust them would you?

So I think behaviour is to a small extent can be tolerated, it is whether you can tolerate it, whether you can tolerate the lying, the deceit. 

I've left you with a lot of questions. 

What do you love about him?

TonyWK